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The Ultimate Debate…

By: Bobby Finstock on 03/16/07 @ 8:11 am

Growing up most kids know about the various forms of torture that are made available to them: Indian burn, purple nurples, the tittie twister, and the wet willie. They pale though in comparison to the two aces of pre-pubescent bullying, the wedgie and the swirlie.

Today I would take to break down the two and have us settle once and for all which is worse.

(Note: If there is feces or urine in the toilet the swirlie is automatically the worse of the two, the “dirty”swirlie is possibly the worst thing that can be done to another person. It was used as the worst possible torture at Guantanamo Bay.)

The Wedgie


What makes it evil-

1) It makes you feel totally uncomfortable for rest of the day, even if you pick it out it still feels like you but a door stop into your ass.

2) It always happens when you are wearing underwear that you are personally embarrassed to own, still sporting the Aquaman under-roos a year too late? A wedgie will always expose it.

3) Personal violation, people have to reach into your pants to grab your underwear. While it might not be molestation for a young kid it is the first time someone is reaching into their pants besides a parent or Father O’Mally.

A Great moment in wedgie history-

After seeing Bjorn Schuster get the largest wedgie ever in 6th grade he started crying and said, “This is designer underwear.” That one phrase removed all guilt from the person giving him the wedgie because what 6th grader wears designer underwear?

The Swirlie


What makes it evil-

1) You have to function the rest of the day after being soaked, which is never a good feeling. On top of that you have to explain why your head is wet to other people for at least the next hour after it happens, adding to the embarrassment.
2) You get dunked into toilet water which has a negative stigma to it. No matter how clean toilet water is people consider where it is housed and have a lot of negative feelings towards it. So as much as you claim that, “it’s just water.” It is still the place where someone dropped a deuce that wraps around the bowl and which they are really proud of it.

3) The threat of drowning is in the back of your mind. Because you are told by your parents growing up that you can drown in even a few inches of water the threat of drowning in the toilet grips you while the attack is going on.

A great moment in swirlie history-

After getting a swirlie, Bill Bastion turned to the rest of the guys in the locker room and walked in a dignified manor away from the bowl with water dripping down his face. Everyone fell silent as if they had just seen someone get shot until his back was to the entire locker room and we noticed on his Boomer Esiason jersey that on the player’s number someone in pen wrote, “SUCKS.” So between the name of the player and what was written on the jersey it read, “Esiason sucks.” The room erupted in laughter adding to the indignity of it all.

Yeah that really has nothing to do with the swirlie but I still thought it was funny.

So which is worst, the swirlie or the wedgie?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

5 Responses to “The Ultimate Debate…”

  1. Definitely the swirlie. There is physical evidence after the incident, and it is a lot less sanitary. Plus there is about a 50/50 chance that there will be shit in a public toilet.

  2. justin says:

    the wedgie. its painful and embarasing

  3. Lol. WEll with a swirly ur head can g4et stuffed int o a toilet with crap and piss in it. And wedgie just hurts. If the wedgie is either Atomic or squeeky clean. then wedgie. If the toilet has crap and piss in it. swirly. But try getting a swirly in a crap/piss toilet, And getting a huge wedgie at the same time.

  4. Stephen says:

    I would say wedgie. swirly isnt painful. wedgie is.

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