2007 March | Pointless Banter

Archive for March, 2007

We might as well go back to bartering

Published by Kevin on March 30, 2007 in Current Affairs. 0 Comments

By now everyone probably has heard about the massive id theft from TJX, the company that operates T.J. Maxx and Marshalls.

I was watching the ABC news last night and of course they showed some man on the street type reactions, which is always a sure way for me to lose my faith in all of humanity. When one person was asked if she would shop there again she replied, “The reward to save a few dollars isn’t worth the huge risk.”

Another shopper said she was only going to carry cash around when shopped at retailers that she, “didn’t trust.” Isn’t this going a tad far people?

While ID theft is a serious thing, isn’t this just a known risk at this point? We can do all we can to protect ourselves but the bad guys, if they really want to, will find loop holes in the system. It’s not that we shouldn’t expect companies to improve their security measures but we need to come to grips that this is a risk just like when we drive a car we could get into an accident. Or that if a guy wears hot pants people might think he is gay.

My question to the overly concerned, why not just take it all a step further? As I continued to watch my question was answered, somebody did take it a step further, here is what I saw:

(Shows a close up of Bob Miller, which an ABC microphone in his face.)

Miller: Yeah you know I just totally can’t trust our entire monetary system at this point, I have decided to just revert back to bartering. You know exchanging goods or services without the use of money? I have been doing it for a week now, in fact I just bought this new car.

(The camera pans back to show Bob in a new Land Rover. His family populates the vehicle with him, his wife in the passengers seat and his two daughters in back, one is crying heavily.)

Miller: I just exchanged my 16 year old daughters virginity and a year of sexual indentured servitude for this fine automobile.

(Miller’s wife is beaming with pride, while she extends her hand to the thigh of their distraught 16 year old daughter.)

Miller: In fact they even threw in the under coating for free, if I promised that she would lose 5 pounds before she turned 18 when our end of the deal takes effect. (Bob looks into the rear view mirror at his daughter) Remember honey, no more carbs for awhile! I was a little worried that I was giving up to much, in fact we tried to make the deal with her older sister but they would only give us a used Ford Festiva. Who can blame them, just look at her…

fat teenager

(The Miller family drives away in their new Land Rover.)

After seeing this piece on the news I cut up all my credit cards and burnt my cash, I am all about the barter system right now. So I have decided to upgrade some of my possessions. I am willing to trade my cootie boxer shorts for something….

cooties

(fake crap stained toilet paper not included)

I am totally serious about this, what would you exchange for my cootie boxer shorts? (I am really aiming for a private jet.)

Second question: Does the man on the street interview make you laugh or fill you with utter fear that these people inhabit the same planet as you?

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My entry into the student publication… My first erotic fiction piece ever

Published by Kevin on March 29, 2007 in Sex. 1 Comment

The other day I saw a posting on campus where they are accepting submissions for the student publication for this year. I figured that this would be a great opportunity to branch out and write in a style that I am not used to. For the publication they ask for either poetry or prose.

Now I took a shot at writing poetry this fall and I don’t think it is at the level they would want. If you want to read that failure you can see it here. Looking at my blogs I would hardly consider them quality prose, I don’t think a blog would translate in this medium very well. So I have decided to branch out and write my first piece of erotic fiction from a guy’s point of view, I hope you all enjoy this. This is the just the opening to it…

*****

I was sitting at the end of a smoke filled bar with my friend Karl, we were drinking and talking about the news of the day when she walked into the room.

“Take a look at her,” Karl said as he elbowed me in the side.

My head looked up and I soaked her in, finally opening my mouth to say, “Man I bet you she takes it in the ass.”

Karl, nodded in agreement, “I’ve got a hundred bucks that you can’t get a blumpkin from her.”

“Are you kidding, I am the blumpkin master,” I replied with overwhelming confidence. “You are on my friend, if you want, why don’t we throw in a dirty sanchez for another hundred.”

Karl, inquisitively asked, “Honestly, I don’t know how you are single, you are truly a romantic… How can a woman ever let you go? I will accept the sanchez stipulation because I know that is how you like to say goodbye.”

“I don’t know my friend, I don’t know, my heart has been broken so much. Maybe I call girls too soon, who knows. My last girlfriend abruptly broke up with me after I gave her a strawberry shortcake… I just don’t get it. That is what she said she wanted for her birthday dessert, but when I gave it to her she acted all upset and even called the cops.”

“What a bitch, you were only giving her what she wanted,” Karl became animated and upset. “You are such a good guy, I can’t understand how anyone could do that to you. Well slugger, I think this could be the one, go and work your charm.”

I got up from the bar and headed down to where the tall blonde with a massive rack was sitting, when I got next to her I pretended to drop money on the ground so I could smell her rear. As I rose to stand I took in one deep inhalation of her scent. This fine example of a women must have heard me and turned around.

“Can I help you?”, she asked with a tone filled with utter disgust.

“Oh, I just dropped some money from my pocket, you can help me actually, are you good at math?”

She moved her head up and down with a sly smirk on her face.

“Good because I have a little problem for you, let’s add you and I, subtract your clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.”

The smirk was wiped off her face and was replaced again by the look of utter disgust. I quickly recovered and asked if I could buy her a drink which she begrudgingly accepted. We started to converse she asked for my name and I told her, she replied with hers but I quickly forgot because I was studying her figure. Then she talked about how she had a tough week at work or school or at home, I really wasn’t sure which because I was just waiting to get my chance to talk again. Finally she took a sip of her drink, I recognized my opening and decided to cut to the chase.

“Are we going to screw or what?”

“Well, uh… I just met you, why don’t we see how things develop, will you order me another drink while I go to the rest room?”

Even though I was upset because I was going to have to spend another seven dollars on her with no definite sign of getting laid, I accepted. She headed to the bathroom and I looked down the bar at Karl, who started to laugh and look at his watch. I knew that I needed to close the deal soon, so I reached into my pocket and pulled out two little pills. When the bartender returned with the drink I dropped the roofies into the glass and quickly stirred it with a straw. Shortly there after whatever her name returned from the bathroom and tapped me on the shoulder.

“You know it has been a rough week and I really need to have some fun. Since the only two guys at the bar are you and that mutant looking guy at the end of the bar I figure that I might as well just go home with you and save all this time,” what’s her face said as she reached for her drink.

Not wanting her to be a limp noodle I jerked my hand to knock over the drink…

“Oh sorry about that, we can pick up a bottle of Schlitz at the corner store on the way to my car.”

“Are we going to your place or mine?”, she asked as she grabbed her purse.

I shook my head in disbelief, “Didn’t you hear me? I said we are on the way to my car. Women fucking never listen, hurry up before the viagra I snorted at lunch wears off.”

So do you guys think this is a good start, should I submit the finished product? And ladies on a scale of 1-10 how turned on are you at this point?

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A treatise on the Suicide Girls

Published by Kevin on March 28, 2007 in Sex. 3 Comments

The other day I took a shot at the Suicide Girls in my blog about tattoos and got a few messages about it, nothing huge. I was kind of hoping for more so it would set me up for this blog but it didn’t happen that way.

First I want to say this was inspired partially by a blog written by Kristen Ferrell, who by the way is an amazing artist you should check out, she has a ton of talent. She talked about the exploitative porn machine is that is the Suicide Girls but I will touch on that only a bit here.

Before I explain how the Suicide Girl trend irritates the ever living shit out of me, I want to take a second to discuss something positive about it because I don’t want them to get lost in my overall opinion.

suicide girls

The Good Thing About the Suicide Girls

The models show us there is more to the concept of beauty than the traditional idea of beauty. Some of the girls on the site are truly beautiful and I think when some of the people see them it makes them reconsider what they think true beauty is. Plus they give me something to flog the bishop to when I am sick of looking at the regular stuff, it’s nice to see a girl tied up with “super freak” tattooed above her ass crack. Also the whole neo-pinup thing isn’t exactly a bad movement.

Also I have no issue with the girls posing, what a girl wants to do with her body is none of my business. So I don’t want anyone to think I am saying porn is bad or anything in that ilk because that is the last thing I think. If you ever looked in my closet and under my mattress you would understand that I am a major supporter of the industry.

Now onto everything else.

The whole suicide girl trend annoys the piss out of me more than anything I have seen in the last… ~~year~~, ~~month~~… how about… day.

1) Porn is porn lets not disguise it as something else.

I hate the fact that the whole suicide girl scene markets themselves as an empowerment for women or being this alternative lifestyle. When really what it boils down to is just another type of porn, another segment of people that the porn industry can market to. Let’s not give it any more credit that it deserves… You have Playboy if you like airbrushing, Penthouse is you like the girls slightly skankier, Hustler if you want to see some slightly more dirty stuff, Perfect Ten if you like them barely legal, Swank if you want to see a womens small intestines, and the Suicide Girls if you like your girl with a different type of look.

There is nothing wrong with different types of porn (well except for some Japanese videos but that is another blog for another day), why hide what you really are?

Plus is it really empowering to women when the business lies and says that it is a woman owned company, when really a male is listed as the president and it is owned by two couples?

2) *SOME* of the female fans are the posers of the worst kind

If you go to their “blog” or advertisement for their porn site, however you want to interpret what they use their myspace page for, you see girls longing to be on the site. But you go to their individual pages and they state that they are anti-everything and bragging how they are essentially individuals of the highest order or “counter culture”.

As humans we all want to belong to something, we all want to be part of a larger group, whether we like to admit it or not. These girls would lap up the urine of any of the girls on the site in order to get on there and be a part of the Suicide Girls, which there is nothing wrong with that. At least admit to it, admit to the fact that you want to be apart of it, and that really you aren’t an individual in the least, if you were truly an individual you would do your own thing.

3) In the end isn’t it all about marketing and exploiting your workers?

The Suicide Girls are a successful brand and have done well in marketing their product but at what cost? They pay their models very little and own the rights to their models work, also they put in a solid non-compete clause into the girl’s contract limiting them on other modeling opportunities. So “Angelika the Screamo Cutter” can’t go and pose for islicemyinnerthighbecausedaddydidntlove.com without getting sued. Frankly I don’t know why she would want to pose there though because that url is a little long to remember. Meanwhile the Suicide Girls can sell her likeness and do with it whatever they wish.

Now with the companies contract with content distributors they can sell the modeling content to other porn sites, content which the girls have signed away. This could be considered a questionable business practice which I find ironic because on one supporters myspace page they have a blog destroying Wal-Mart.
Their front about being this alternative, woman owned, women supporting group, is just a bunch of bullshit, they are just like most businesses concerned with the bottom line and how to line their pockets. They aren’t any better than Nike, Wal-Mart, and any other company people love to loathe.

So if you want to support a real woman owned, women supporting porn, sign up for club Jenna, so you can fund whatever drug habit that has shrunk Jenna Jameson’s face to make her look like Skeletor.

What do you think about the Suicide Girls? And should we really even care?

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Unfinished Lists

Published by Kevin on March 27, 2007 in Pop Culture. 1 Comment

Usually when I run out of things to write about or don’t have a lot of time and want to post something quick I resort to lists. Well I have some lists lying around that I never completed so I figured I would just throw some of them out there because I felt like sharing I guess.

I would rather lick my ball sack than eat the following foods:

Peas/Mashed Potatoes/Cooked Carrots

peas

It is totally a texture thing with these. I don’t know if it makes me feel like I am eating paste or I feel like a lump of this mushy shit is going to get lodged in my throat and make me choke to death. To be honest that is really the last way I want to go out choking to death on a wad of mashed potatoes, I wonder if they got stuck in my throat would it dry like cement? The thing is I will eat potatoes cooked in about a million different styles and I will eat regular carrots but once they hit the mushy stage all best are off.

But peas…. I have always hated, no matter what form they came in.

Cute little side story on the peas, when I was little I was forced to finish my dinner. So I would sit there until I was done, no matter how much I protested. Finally I figured out a method where I could hide the peas in the centerpiece of the table and return to get them later to throw them out. It worked for about a year until the one time I forgot to return and get the peas, they were discovered a week later due to a smell coming from the ceramic center piece.

Cheesy Crackers with Peanut Butter

lil debbie peanut butter

What hideous cheese are these constructed from? Because my taste buds do not know a cheese that tastes like these orange crackers do. The thing is after you eat these you have the fake mutant cheese after taste in your mouth for at least four hours, no matter how much gum you have or what you drink you can still taste it in your mouth.

Things that make me a total pussy:

The water works come on every time I watch Searching for Bobby Fischer

searching for bobby fischer

Old Yeller- I don’t even react
Titanic- I laugh my ass off

For some reason I get a little weepy every single time I watch this movie. I can’t explain it, there is no event in the end that is ultimately tragic but I ball like a 9 year old girl after you use her Raggedy Ann doll for perverse sexual acts and return it to her with holes cut into the no no spot.

The only other movie that got me that bad was when I saw “Million Dollar Baby” in the movie theater the opening weekend it came out. I didn’t go in knowing the big twist or that there was anything remotely like that going to happen. I was fighting the water works as I left the theater, thank God I saw Jon Lovitz going into the shitter because it made me recover.

jon lovitz

Things I need to see before I die:

The reunification of the Digital Underground (w/o Tupac for obvious reasons) with a one shot performance

digital underground

If I could see them do the entire “Sex Packets” album from start to finish I would be a happy man…

Is he Shock G?

shock g

Or is he Humpty?

digital underground

THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON

Shit blew my fucking mind when I was in seventh grade.

So answer all or one or none of the questions: What food utterly disgusts you and why? What movie makes you cry like a bitch? And what thing do you want to see happen before you die, and no weepy shit!

Also you can admit that you didn’t know Humpty and Shock were one of the same.

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Bad Ink aka what the suicide girls have

Published by Kevin on March 26, 2007 in Pop Culture. 5 Comments

I was talking with my friend Leah the other day via IM while I was in the library, a girl walked by me with a barbed wire tattoo on her bicep. Not original by any means but the thing was the tat was just on the front of the bicep, it didn’t go all the way around. Leah informed me that the inner part of the arm is really sensitive so she probably balked at the pain.

We decided that it was kind of selling out, like you are there you might as well go the full nine right? It is kind of like getting in a plane ready to go skydiving and then at the last minute deciding you will only do a tandem jump. Or you are about to violate your cell mate in prison and decide only to lick his nipple, what is the point you know?

This led to a whole conversation of what is bad ink? The one thing that I have noticed since I moved out here to Southern California is just the ridiculous amount of bad ink people have out here. After much discussion I think we can break bad ink down into a few categories.

1) The cliche- Tribal tattoos, roses, barbed wire and tramp stamps all have officially fallen into the cliche category. Now if you have had any of these for more than a year you are okay but going forward I think we can safely assume that it is no longer cool to get any of these. Although I do love the tramp stamps, I have a weakness for them and I am not ashamed to admit it. That and belly chains, I don’t know why but I will come out and say I adore them both.

tramp stamp

2) The sentiment now ruined- Wedding bands, anything with an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend, the name of a band that quickly became uncool, the number of your favorite player that ended up getting traded. There is nothing that is more likely to curse and make something totally good go to shit than getting ink of it. The best is people that don’t tell the other person that they are getting it done and then have to tell them. Which 9 times out of 10 really leads to an uncomfortable situation.

“Linda I really love you, in fact I love you so much I got your name tattooed on my heart.”

“I just had a three-some with your brother and uncle.”

“Shit.”

finger tat

3) It’s not your culture- Anything with Asian symbols, flags for countries when you are really only 1/4 of that ethnicity, and anything written in Gaelic. Yeah I could go with the stock joke that it probably says “I like fat chicks” in Chinese on your arm but why go there? This might be one of the worst categories because people always try and tell you a story to back up what they got…

“Yeah I got stabbed once so I decided to get the Chinese word for pin cushion tattooed on my arm.”

“I had a life changing event so I went with the ying yang symbol.”

“Well my grandmother is like half Navajo so this wind talker, that is my heritage.”

Right…..

chinese tat

4) The what the fuck was I thinking tat- Flaming bananas behind the ear, the giant gecko lizard on the forearm, a frog… anywhere, the giant arm sleeve of every Kiss album cover…

These are my personal favorite tats because really soon after people get them their friends start giving them shit about it they always justify that they can get it removed. Of course they don’t understand the cost or pain involved but you can see the doubt creeping into their head the more they get shit about it.

“Rebecca I can’t believe you got a tattoo around your neck that says, “Death to the Establishment” aren’t you in college to be an accountant?”

“Well my boyfriend said it looked good, besides I am young, when I am ready to get a job I can just go and get it removed.”

“You know it takes like 6-12 visits and it costs like $400 per visit.”

“Well what is $4,000 when I will be a high level accountant?”

“Not with that shitty tat you won’t.”

“Well I guess I could always strip.”

“Not with that shitty tat you won’t.”

“Well I always could be a suicide girl, they will take anybody.”

What do you think is the worst kind of tattoo, and what do you think is the best?

Just for the record I vote Henry Rollins bar code tattoo on the back of his neck as the best…

neck tat

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My Plan … If I Ever Have a Daughter and another announcement

Published by Kevin on March 25, 2007 in Things I Think About. 0 Comments

I was out picking up dinner the other night when I saw a girl that could not have been older than 13 years old. She was wearing a short skirt and a shirt revealing her stomach, basically she was dressed like a hooker. Now it’s not that I mind girls dressing like hookers, in fact I encourage whole heartily, but I just got a really creepy feeling when I saw her dressed like that. I sat there for a second and thought, “Man, what does her dad think?”

Of course as soon as that thought crossed my mind she sat down at a table with what had to have been her family. Apparently dressing like a total whore was genetic and daddy was resigned to the path his daughter was going down. This scared the shit out of me, I began to think about what if I had a daughter down the road? What would be my plan in raising her and protecting her from the evil of teenage cock?

1- Get her involved in competitive gymnastics at an early age.

gymnastics

Fact- Girls that are involved in competitive gymnastics don’t menstruate until a later age.

So I figure if I keep her on the uneven bars until she is 18 not only will her growth be stunted and but she will probably not have any hormonal interest in boys. Plus she well have dealt with the pain of stress fractures and other damaging repetitive injuries so hopefully she won’t walk right making her less appealing to men.

2- Go to one of those father daughter Christian commitment dances aka Purity Proms.

creepy dad

I figure I can go there and scope out all the families to keep my kid away from. Daughters swearing to their fathers that they won’t have sex until they get married and fathers pretending to be there totally for them just creeps me out. All I can think about is Jessica Simpson’s father who used to be a preacher doing the same thing than ten years later asking his daughter to get breasts implants and telling her that she isn’t showing enough skin at magazine shoots.

Plus we know these repressed girls always turn out to be the largest whores of the bunch. I don’t want my kid taking it up the ass at 15 because these girls tell her that it isn’t sex, because you know down the road I will find out. “Dad I never had vaginal intercourse but I can shit a mack truck out of my dumper.”

3- Gain 30 extra pounds and make continued sexual advances on her mother in front of her all the time.

springer

If I make sex look like the most disgusting thing in the world hopefully she will be emotionally scared and never want to have it. Plus this will have the added impact of my wife thinking that after all our years of being married that I can’t keep my hands off her. Little does she know I am trying to psychologically disturb our daughter to be repulsed by sex.

4- Home school her

When you think about it home schooling is the only way to go.

Public School- Too many idiot kids influencing her.
All Girls School- She ends up doing crazy lesbian things that get reenacted on Cinemax at 1 am.
Catholic School- repression + dirty little skirt= well she could never have friends over to the house
Hippie Charter School- She ends up sleeping with the teacher

So there you have it, my game plan if I ever have a daughter.

father of the year

For those of you with a daughter what is your game plan?

**** ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT *****

What does Perez Hilton, RuPual, Bobcat Goldthwait, Kato Kaelin, Batman, and that gay Asian guy from Entourage have in common with me?

We all did or will have done Ring My Bell….

I have been asked to go down to LA to appear on the Ring My Bell call in show. It is an internet TV show that basically has me take calls for an hour. So if you guys want to call in it starts at 11am PST on Tuesday. It airs live on their website and then they archive it as well.

Anything goes… so if you guys want to call up and ask questions or just chat about poop it is all good.

The day: this Tuesday
The time: 11am PST = 2pm East coast time
The website: ringmybell.tv
The number: 323-603-6312

Basically if you are home or have a job where you do nothing give me a call so I don’t look like a jackass.

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