Pyramid Schemes

The other day I got a call from one of my friends back East. He was telling me about the new thing going around in our Podunk little town, a new marketing scheme this time using an energy drink that makes you feel no pain or something. Basically it is another pyramid scheme, and my friend on the phone knew it but had to tell me about the hubbub surrounding it. You would think that is a magic elixir that cures erectile dysfunction, irritable bowel syndrome, and herpes all in one shot. (If it did I know it would help a lot of you reading this.)

I love pyramid schemes though, because every single time a new one comes out I always run into someone that wants me to join it. I’ve never fallen for one but I like to sit back watch things develop because you can almost always see the same things happen. To me it is the cheapest form of entertainment in the world, well that and watching little kids run into things. Here are the same stages you always see when a new pyramid scheme becomes all the rage.

1) They become the expert- After watching some training videos and reading a pamphlet people all of a sudden become an expert on whatever they are selling. It doesn’t matter if they are vastly unqualified to do anything, they watched the video! Sure the other day you were talking to them and they didn’t know why we had thirteen stripes or 50 stars on our flag but now can explain why you should sign up for this special long distance calling plan.

With this new scheme my friend Doug, who has ingested more drugs than any other human on the face of the earth not named Keith Richards and lives on a straight diet of fast food, has become a health expert. For some reason I don’t want a guy that needs a bong rip in the morning to get out of bed advising me of my correct dietary needs.

2) The initial excitement followed by them never speaking of it again- This might be my favorite thing. If you know a few people that are involved in it that is all they talk about when you are around them. Basically they are talking about how they are all going to make thousands of dollars a month, of course there is no mention of how they are going to get there or the work that needs to be done.

Usually about 3 months after they have signed up they stop talking about it out of the blue and when you try and bring it up in conversation they tell you that they don’t want to talk about it. They act like a girl that thought they were dating a great guy until one night she came home and found him waltzing around the apartment in her panties. Because it was such a stupendous failure they get very embarrassed to talk about it.

3) Rinse and repeat- There is always someone that falls for a second one, where they didn’t learn from their first experience and promises that this time it will be different, of course it never is. After they fail at it a second time they always find religion, usually Scientology. I guess both groups kind of pray on people with the same mindset.

There is no such thing as getting rich quick in this country, alright I am off to go buy $100 in lotto tickets.

Do you have friends that have fallen for pyramid schemes? Or will you admit that you have?