For the newer people reading my blog I used to do this weekly where I took the lame ass questions that are asked in Parade Magazine, the weekly little magazine included in the Sunday paper and put my spin on them. I haven’t done them in a long time so I figured it was a good time to break them out.
Q. The buzz on Jennifer Lopez’s upcoming movie, El Cantante, isn’t so hot. Her clothing line, JLO by Jennifer Lopez, also is struggling. Why is she slipping?
-Alexandra L., New York, N.Y.
A: Wait did you just crack a joke in the question? Thanks for totally ruining my shtick.
Anyways I think this is a trend that needs to be examined, we can call it the “Affleck Curse”. If you go through the people he has slept with their careers have gone down hill immediately after getting the Affleck hot beef injection. Not only do we have J-Lo as an example but we have:
After Affleck’s Man Meat: She loses her critically acclaimed network show Alias and stars in a crabby romantic comedy that gets shelled by the critics. Plus now she must mother the demon seed which will probably lead to chafed nipples.
After Affleck’s Man Meat- The only movies that people will go see him in are the Ocean’s Eleven movies, rumor has it that he is going to be looking into starring in a made for tv movie about Richard Simmons that will appear on the Logo Network.
Q. I was surprised to learn that singer-songwriter Phil Collins is dating a TV journalist from New York City. Who is she, and what happened to his wife?
-Jill Clayborn, Phoenix, Ariz.
A: I was totally surprised to. I always thought he was married to one of the puppets from the “Land of Confusion” Video.
(That joke just flew over the heads of about 2500 people, sorry)
Q. Montel Williams wears a black diamond bracelet. Does it have special meaning for him?
-Rosie Davis, Seattle, Wash.
A: Actually yes, it was given to him by his sexual dominatrix:
John Manning of Napierville, Illinois for ten years of service. After a romantic dinner where Montel acted as a human ashtray, Manning extracted the bracelet from a plastic easter egg he had shoved up Montel’s ass via pvc piping last week. When asked for a comment Montel said, “I was offended because he used a pink egg which was rather humiliating, I mean I am a guy and all. But the bracelet really made up for it.”
Q. I heard that Reese Witherspoon now makes $15 million a picture. Is she really worth that much?
-Harley S., Santa Fe, N.M.
A: How is this even a question? Seriously? Haven’t you seen “Just Like Heaven”? She was a workaholic that wasn’t dating anyone and then went into a coma. I thought she was never going to find the man of her dreams until that studly guy moved into her old apartment and she started haunting him ALL WHILE FALLING IN LOVE!!!!!!!! *Sigh* why can’t something like that happen to me?
I have no idea what I just typed.
Tomorrow: The ultimate blog about romance and how to spice up your love life.