Dear Mr. Smith,
I feel that I owe you a major apology. Last year I wrote a blog about how you were a sell out for losing weight and that you should remain fat like all of my other childhood idols, like: John Belushi, Chris Farley, and John Candy. In said blog I jokingly wrote:
“…he decided to lose weight, depriving me of laying guilt on my kids
(whenever I have them) if they over eat. I can’t say, “You don’t want
to end up like Kevin Smith now do you?” A Farley, Candy, or Belushi
reference would be way over their heads, Kevin Smith is current and
talented. Because Kevin Smith is losing weight all I have left to
reference is Horatio Sanz and who honestly wants to reference him? Plus it is removing talent from the equation if I mention Sanz.”
The other day you said you were the fattest you have been in a long time, and you cited the fact that you are just lazy. However I feel that I should own up to it and take responsibility for this, I basically cursed you.
I didn’t really realize the power I had… There were signs of it when I buried Andy Dick and he ended up in rehab or my months of ripping on Paris Hilton and her ending up with herpes. Personally I just thought those people were ripe for the picking and it was bound to happen, I didn’t realize that I was personally responsible for their downfalls.
I am a big fan of your work, well except “Jersey Girl” and will continue to support you. So I am going to take back what I said and hope that you live a long and wonderful life, hopefully you will even be able to take more nude pictures of your wife for all of us to see. (Really I can’t bitch about that.)
All the best in the future.
Now on the flip side of this I have a fucking kick ass power to curse random people. I need to redirect this and really take down some people that just annoy me.
I have to say I hope you come down with a case of the crabs…. Wait you are sleeping with Tila Tequila, well I guess my work is already done for me.
That Girl on the Cell Phone that answers it in the Library and talks for twenty minutes every day really loud and about stupid stuff
She annoys me on a semi daily basis, I am hoping one day her head explodes like the guy on Scanners while she is talking about one of her numerous favorite subjects: her boyfriend, her car troubles, or shopping.
I just want to make it clear to everyone that Orange is not a naturally occurring skin color. The only curse I can place on Fergie is a horrible tanning booth accident, it would benefit all those out there that fake and bake.
“Hey Sarah are you going to go tanning this weekend?”
“Fuck no, did you hear what happened to Fergie a booth collapsed on her and melted her like the guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark!”
It really wouldn’t be a tragedy as much as a public service.
So is there anyone you want me to use my new found powers on?