The Yankees should sign Naomi Campbell

I love reading the Smoking Gun and hearing about random lawsuits or celebrities in trouble. Today they posted a lawsuit filed by a former employee of Naomi Campbell that said she was “seriously injured” when Naomi threw her BlackBerry and hit her in the head. This led to the maid needing to get four stitches.

Now I have to say… COME ON… Do we even need this to go to court? Just using logic will prove that Campbell is totally innocent. Let’s examine four simple facts… (Using discriminatory, sexist, and other generalizations that can only prove I am right.)

1) She is British- British people can’t throw… They can toss but they can’t throw. There are 5 things we know about the British:

-They can’t throw
-They have poor dental care
-They all ride in double decker red buses which drive on the wrong side of the road
-90% of the men are gay, the other 10% are soccer hooligans
-They are the only people that think Mr. Bean is funny

2) The velocity needed to do damage with a blackberry is too great for a model to generate- Due to the fact that models are anorexic and have no physical skills except for walking on a stage, making random poses, and vomiting, Naomi would not have the physical ability to throw the blackberry that hard.

3) She is a female- Girls can’t throw. I know there are a lot of girls that play sports here in the United States and they are uber coordinated and can throw but they are the exception to the rule. I don’t see Naomi Campbell playing softball in high school (her thighs aren’t thick enough).

4) Black women don’t throw things, they pull hair or stab- Haven’t you watched Springer or one of those dirty prison movies on Cinemax late at night? If you did you would know that black women always pull hair, slap, or stab while in a fight. Also they do the patented move of pulling out earrings which is something that is beyond impressive to see.

So there you have it… I just solved this case in under ten minutes using simple logic and stereotypes.

Do you need me to take care of anything else?