Last March I started a series of blogs about the drunken mistakes I have made in my life… The series has told stories of bed wetters, people sleeping with retarded girls, and various other forms of debauchery that would prevent me from running for President. To read all the old posts just click here to go to a directory of them.
Volume 10: Kevin presides over the Jerry Springer floor on an entire floor
In my original run of college when I went to Albany, I always had all of the Jewish holidays off, which none of my other friends did. So I took these four or five day weekends to go and visit my friends at their schools.
My Freshman year I went back to visit two of my friend’s from high school Jerry and Ken (remember all names have been changed to protect the innocent). Jerry and Ken both went to school at Geneseo, where I would later move to, and were sharing a room together. When I got there I spent the afternoon getting the run down of everyone on their floor, all the hot gossip, and how screwed up most of the people were. Apparently half of the floor hated the other half, once I found that out you could see the tension and see the visible factions.
The group that got along with Jerry and Ken were all going to a party that night. My friend Mike, also from our high school class, joined up with us and attended a pretty good college party. Mike and I stood by the keg most of the night slamming as many beers as possible and of course pouring them for the lovely lady students. As the night wore on it was obvious that we had drank a tad too much as Mike stood there wobbling. When I asked Mike what he was doing he replied, “Dancing man, just dancing.”
I left Jerry in charge of Mike because I had to go fulfill my duty of making out with a random girl, which just seemed like the right thing to do . Jerry came over and cock blocked me about ten minutes later to tell me that we should probably head out because we were all pretty shitfaced. When I started to walk and couldn’t go in a straight line I realized that I was at a level ten drunk stage.
When we returned to their dorm most of the people were up and awake mulling around the common room. Everyone was split into their little factions and I of course decided to share with everyone what I thought.
“What the fuck is going on here, you guys all hate each other and nobody will say shit. Just get it out in the open.”
Everyone stopped what they were doing and all looked at me. There was nobody telling me to shut up so of course I took it as the green light to continue… I decided at that point to go around the room and say something about every person, which was for better or worse the highlight of the year on that floor.
Here are some of the personal favorites of my friend Ken who was sober during this event:
-(To the Goth girl)- You think you are a vampire, you tried to fucking bite Yuki (Ken’s friend) on the neck, what the fuck is that? You know that Rice chick’s books are totally fiction right?
-(To the floor slut)- Listen you are an ok girl, but spreading your legs to every guy on the floor isn’t going to make you more accepted. You are pretty hot, eh fuck it, after I am done talking I am coming to your room.
-(To Jerry’s girlfriend)- I like you, you are good people but Jerry cock blocked me tonight and I think it was because he wanted to get back here to sleep with you so you better give it up.
-(To the slob guy)- Just take your shit out of the washer when it is done, don’t leave it in there all day like a dick.
The personal shit was just flowing out of my mouth, which was not one of my finer moments.
I went around to every single person on the floor, which was close about 20 people. If I didn’t know the person I would say something randomly nice about what they were wearing.
The thing is once I got done everyone started talking shit to the people they didn’t like or they started yelling at me wondering who the hell I was. This went n for the next half hour and I stumbled away to pass out, not in the slutty girls room….
Over the next year I visited Ken like three times and everyone still talked about that night. I feel like I helped facilitate a lot of personal healing… or something. Of course I was forever known as “Ken’s asshole friend” or “Ken’s really funny friend”….
I guess people either love me or hate me….
Time to watch some football…
What was some of the dumbest things you have said while drunk?