Altoids: Sign of a whore or breath freshener?

Today I would like to unleash upon the world one of my patented Kevin theories.

I have a few of them that I have kept secret as I have been conducting hard hitting sociological research, on par with Dr. Peter Venkman and his research into ESP. For the first time I will reveal one of my studies that I have been working on for years, Altoids are they the sign of a whore or just a breath freshener?

For those of you who don’t know about the altoids blow job technique, well… it gives you a great sensation let’s just leave it at that. The technique is world renown as most males experience it between the ages of 18-26 at least once.

My theory is that women that carry around these curiously strong mints are well aware of this technique and keep these on their person just in case the need arises to drop down to their knees and make like a circus seal.

The evidence:

1) Altoids ad campaigns flaunt this fact:

Let us look at a few of the magazine ads for altoids, you tell me if they are flaunting the whorishness of their female users:

The people behind altoids know the truth! In fact I decided to call the manufacturer of altoids I was transfered to their public relations officer Mary Couch. Here is a transcript of our conversation:

Kevin: Hello, Mary? I was transfered to speak to you about the allegations that a woman carrying altoids is a true sign that they are are whore. What is your response to this?

Mary: aragaghagh, mmmmm, arararagghagagh

Kevin: So you are not denying this?

Mary: ssssssslllllluuuuurrrppppp

Kevin: Exactly.

2) Every girl that I have dated that has carried around altoids has had a “casual moral attitude”

If you examine the last twenty girls I have dated the ones that have carried around altoids have without a doubt had a much more casual moral attitude than the ones that didn’t.

In fact I believe that many altoid users would have sex on the first date, not that there is anything wrong with that. But the fact remains the most whorish girls I have dated, altoids users and usually not the type you want to bring home to mom, just to swingers parties.

Summation:

In closing I ask the men out there to think about the women they have been with and if they were altoids users.

And for the ladies out there, go check your purse, do you have altoids in there? Then take a look in the mirror and consider what has been covered here. Be brave and step forward admitting if you carry altoids, let the world know.

Then give me your phone number.