Pointlessbanter.net

I haven’t done one of these in a long time. As always these are questions that are directly taken from the Seventeen Magazine website, I help these young ladies out with solid advice.

Q: I’m involved with a married man. He’s only two years older than I am, but he has a daughter and has been married since April of this year. He means the world to me and vice versa. How do I deal with the situation?
–Mary, 17, Detroit, MI

A: Wow 17 and already a home wrecker, they start you guys out early in Detroit huh? Well clearly you have a lot to learn about being the “other” woman. Sure people will tell you are too young to be in a relationship that really won’t go your way but I mean who am I to tell you that? If you want this to really pan out you have a few options.

1-Get pregnant- Now you really force his hand of course you run the risk of ending up at the bottom of a lake.

2-Tell him he need to chose or you are telling his wife- Age old standard, apply some pressure and maybe he will choose you. Of course he will lose half of his net worth and will resent you for the entire four years your relationship will last.

3- Cut her break line- She dies in a horrible tragedy and you get to be the girl that helped him through his “grieving” process.

4- Get hired as their nanny and start breast feeding the baby- Wait that didn’t work in “Hand That Rocks the Cradle”

Q: I feel really self-conscious about my teeth. I have no success with guys because of them. It makes me feel bad about myself when I read everywhere that the first thing a guy notices is a girl’s smile. Any suggestions?
–Roxy, 14, Syracuse, NY

A: This is the easiest question ever…. two words… gold fronts.

Q: My mom loves me being a model, but I hate it. Not only is it keeping my grades down, but now I also don’t have time to spend with my boyfriend and friends. How do I tell my mom I hate my modeling class?
–Jennifer, 13, McAllen, Texas

A: Communicate and tell her you don’t like it? BAH, that is a horrible idea. The move here is to develop a horrible eating disorder that lands you in the hospital. While you are in there you tell your mother that did it all for her to make her proud of you. For the next 10 years of your life you will get whatever you want and you won’t have to worry about modeling ever again.

So start jamming your finger down your throat and all your problems will be solved.

Q: I think I have a trust problem. My boyfriend would never cheat on me, but I get the feeling that he thinks other girls are prettier and would be a better girlfriend for him. I hate always being nervous that he’s going to dump me for someone else. Is this normal?
–Kelly, 15, Quakertown, PA

A: It’s perfectly normal because it is probably true, however don’t get depressed you have options.

1) Get knocked up- It always makes the relationship better

2) Slash the other girls faces with razors- Granted this would be a project and it would take awhile but if every other girl in your school is horrible disfigured you really are going to come out smelling like roses.

3) Learn to give good head- He won’t be going anywhere.

Q: When I was in the first years of my teen life, I did a lot of bad things–hooked up with a lot of guys, got into drugs, etc. I lived my life in the fast lane, but I hit rock bottom and had to re-create myself. My problem is that I’m afraid that people aren’t going to give me a second chance and will forever think of me as how I was back then. How can I be accepted?
–Amy, 16, Ventura, Calif.

A: Ventura California…. hmmm… That is like five minutes from me. This question is probably old so you have to be close to 18, you probably have fallen into your old lifestyle by now…. Um, Amy, what are you doing this weekend?

So there you have it my first Seventeen Magazine Questions answered for the year, do you need any advice that I can help you with?