A New Years Resolution We Can All Make
I had a blog that was set and ready to go for today but I realized that today is going to be my last blog of this year. I couldn’t go out with a blog about the lead singer of Babyshambles, so I went back to the drawing board to write something thought provoking and poignant. Something that would unite us all in the brotherhood of humankind and get us all motivated for the New Year.
When sitting down to write I decided that it would be a good idea to offer up a new years resolution we can make together, something that will make the world a better place.
I propose that in 2007 we all make the resolution to kill all the left handed people of the world.
Now you maybe sitting there and saying to yourself, “Why would I want to kill all the left handers of the world?”
Think about it… Look at the pain and suffering they cause the people of this earth.
1) The annoying ass left handed desk- There is nothing worse than showing up for class late and being stuck with one of the 15 left handed desks in the class room. Why they need to have 15 desks I will never know. The fact of the matter is that they are annoying to write at and if there were no left handers in the world this problem would not exist.
2) No more Leftorium references- I don’t care what anyone says, you can start to trace the downfall of the Simpsons when they did the episode about Flanders and his store, the Leftorium. Nothing good comes out of giving Flanders a whole half hour, NOTHING.
3) The awkward banquet or dinner party disappears- How many times has this happened? You have gone out to a dinner with a large group of people or a banquet and get stuck next to the left hander, meaning that your hands and elbows are going to interfere with each other for the remainder of the night, thus ruining your dinner. It has happened to me on more than one occasion, if it was all right handers everything would be in a perfect pattern. Who wouldn’t enjoy their dinner more that way?
Now I know people are going to be all up in arms about this. Some people are related to a lefty or are in love with one. This is about the greater good people! You need to put aside your lame reasons for caring about a lefty and think about society.
Sure I know someone is going to throw out the line, “But what about all the important left handers throughout history?”
What about them?
Robert McNamara
Fidel Castro
Richard Simmons
Pat Roberston
Jack the Ripper
Phil Collins
Tim Allen
Tom Cruise
Fran Drescher
Howie Mandel
Now does anyone want to make a case for any of those people? Come on now… Think about it, no more episodes of Deal or No Deal, how can you not be behind this plan?
So how about it everyone, is this something we can unite together and accomplish? A no lefty by 2008 campaign! Who is with with me?
Hmmmmm…. come to think of it, my young daughter has had two long relationships – both of which involved left-handed, undoubtedly deviant young men… OK – I’m on board, Kevin, count me in!
I say that we attack them with those goofy looking lefty scissors that they use…..
uh… you can use any scissors both ways
These some time annoyances might be a pain in the ass for you, but try dealing with them all the time. The plus side of a lifetime of dinner elbow wars is that I’m much more prepared to jab you into submission.
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Get rid of the right-handed people! It solves all the problems you mentioned, (well, besides the actual people, but I haven’t heard of them in a while so they can’t be that bad) and it will reduce the population drastically! This in turn will lead to less CO2 emissions, fixing our global warming problem.
Actually, the gene for being left handed is recessive, so right handed people can have left handed children too :O but not the other way around
So really, you should think about killing all the right handed people
Ooh, didn’t think that would bite you in the ass, did you?
Damn it…. back to the drawing board.
“so right handed people can have left handed children too :O but not the other way around”…..
Actually, I have a right handed son, despite my and his father’s left-handedness.
Yea. And what about the ambidextrous people? What do we do with them?
Uhhh… Actually, I don’t really understand why there are all those “left-handed” items on the market. And those desks… good grief, those things are so stupid! Also, I have no idea what Ned Flanders thing you’re talking about, but you’re obviously a fatass couch potato who watches too much of the Simpsons. As for banquets and dinners, what kind of gathering or crappy, tiny restaurant are you going to that people are *that* cramped for someone’s dominant hand to make a difference? You obviously need a serious social-circle upgrade… but then again, that won’t happen until you’re sophisticated enough to set aside your Hitler-esque attitude toward left-handed people.
By the way, I’m left-handed and I don’t need a left-handed desk. Not only that, but I eat with my right hand. Basically, I’m just better than you.