Last year I did a year in review making fun of all the things I forgot to talk about. I was planning on doing a year in review for this year but everyone has done one. Since I feel the need to be different I am going to offer up a personal year in review because I know everyone out there really wants to know these gritty details of my life. I went through my personal journal, I keep one on my computer like Doogie Howser, and picked the highlights and lowlights of the year.
January- I had a bowel movement on January 15th that would set the bar for the rest of the bowel movements of the year. This bowel movement coincided with the announcement of Kevin Federline’s new album and the leak of his single.
February- On February 5th I felt the need to begin to search for a Valentines Day date, so I signed up for J-Date.com. Due to the fact I am not Jewish and I can’t date a girl that doesn’t enjoy giving oral sex the experience overall was a failure. So I ended up spending Valentines Day watching “Dickman and Throbin versus the Delta Sigma sorority house”, I consider this a win.
March- I ran into a burning building to save a single mother and two of her kids. When the press arrives and asks me what I want in return I answer, “A mustache ride from Tom Selleck, he doesn’t have anything better to do.” My exploits are never told in the media and Tom Selleck doesn’t get any work.
April- Nothing fun ever happens in April.
May- I see Sarah Silverman at Doughboys while eating lunch with my friend Michelle and her baby. Silverman keeps staring at the baby who I am holding, in my mind I convince myself that she is really checking me out because I am more attractive than Jimmy Kimmel. Her stare goes into my spank bank and I reconsider the whole J-date.com thing.
June- Slowly I become panic stricken at the idea of me fitting into my summer bikini. I don’t eat anything for two weeks and run wearing glad garbage bags under a sweat suit. Then for two weeks after that I vomit anything I do eat. Of course it is all for naught when I do go to the beach in my bikini and get beaten to an inch of my life.
July- Still in hospital recovering living in a drug induced haze, receive fantastic sponge bath from a candy striper and then believe that I am in love. Sadly when I get out of my haze I realize that Dana was neither a candy striper or a female but will admit he had fantastic hands.
August- I make my standup comedy debut and peak while making fun of Andy Dick. Then I get shunned by the black community as I make one too many Def Comedy Jam jokes. What can I say, “white people ARE crazy!”
September- Begin my final year of school and realize that there is zero change of me nailing a freshman college girl ever again. Weep for a month realizing my better days are behind me.
October- Thought it would be cute to dress up as a giant toilet for Halloween until a defensive lineman from the football team decides to try out the giant toilet thinking it would be, “just right.”
November- I catch a ton of shit for making a really bad Goldylocks joke in October. Also I get really tired of driving on the way home from Thanksgiving and run another care off the road. I phone it into the police and blame a drunken Tracey Gold, yet again.
December- I get a really lame idea for a blog and about halfway through decide that is a poor idea but commit to the idea and refuse to back out.
So there you have it. My personal year in review, I realize how riveting that was.
What was your personal highlight/lowlight from this year?