Best of 2006: Ways to Cure Hiccups Without Using a Gun
(I have a day packed with finals so I figured I would dip into the vault and bring up one of my favorite entries from the year.)BOGOTA, Colombia- A Colombian man who tried to startle his nephew from a bout of the hiccups by pointing a gun at him accidentally pulled the trigger and killed him.
Police in the northern city of Barranquilla said the distraught uncle then ran out of the house and down the street a few yards before stopping and shooting himself. He died from a gunshot wound in the head. According to police, the incident occurred Sunday night after the two men had been drinking.
———————————
I don’t even know where to start with this. I am not going to even talk about the stupidity of waiving the gun around, which is common knowledge, well unless you live in Colombia.
What I want to talk about is the whole scaring people with hiccups thing. This has taken it to a whole different level. Whatever just happened for waiting for it to go away? Apparently hiccups are so dangerous that you need to get rid of them very fast or the
repercussions could be life threatening. Also I guess scaring the ever living shit out of someone is the only way to get rid of them, since our culture is so desensitized to violence and we already live in a culture of fear, I guess you have to step it up a notch, thus using a gun.
So the next time your loved one has hiccups here are some things you can to do to help cure them:
Your wife or girlfriend:
- Tell her you are going to go to the mini-mart to buy milk, when you leave wait ten minutes, put on all black, a ski mask, kick open the front door and hold a knife to her neck… When she pisses herself take off the mask and ask if her hiccups are gone? Since you saved her life you will probably have hot sex.
Your mother:
- Go out into the garage with your father run back into the house and tell her that you need to use the phone because your dad just had a massive heart attack. When your mom runs out to the garage have your dad pop up and ask if her hiccups are gone.
Your Boss
- Go into your boss’s office and flip out telling him that you quit and that you can’t stand looking at his weaselie face. Grab his chair and fling it though the window. Then grab your boss and hang him out the window by his feet. Once he has stopped hiccupping reel him in! You will probably get a promotion now that you cured his hiccups.
Your Husband/Boyfriend
- Just tell him you are pregnant.
Your children (ages 3-7)
- Get all freaked out and nervous saying that you hear something outside. Go out to the shed and grab a Santa hat with ketchup on it that you had planted out there. Return to the house and tell the kids that you had to kill a burglar and place the Santa hat on the kitchen table… Since they will probably be in tears the hiccups will have stopped giving them years of healthy living, plus since you killed Santa you can save money on Christmas gifts.
Your friend (female)
- Tell them that one of the following things has happened: Lifetime Network went out of business, Dr. Phil got killed in a car accident, Oprah was mugged and murdered outside of her studio, Brad Pitt came out of the closet, or tampons have been discovered to shave ten years off of your life.
Your friend (male)
- Congratulate him and then tell him you heard from your girlfriend that his girlfriend is pregnant. Then ask, “Oh didn’t you know?”
You see curing the hiccups is a rather fun exercise. Home invasion, fake death, lying, holding people out of windows all to cure something that webmd.com says will go away within a few minutes to at worst a few hours. I guess you could take the pussy way out and drink a class of water fast or breath into a bag, but come on now. Sure maybe my tactics are extreme, but I guess putting a gun to someone’s head is the progressive treatment.
Sounds advice on how to help fellow men/women, but how would you cure your own hiccups?
[quote comment="1552"]Sounds advice on how to help fellow men/women, but how would you cure your own hiccups?[/quote]
watch your myspace profile get deleted over night
are you gonna start a new myspace?
[quote comment="1553"][quote comment="1552"]Sounds advice on how to help fellow men/women, but how would you cure your own hiccups?[/quote]
watch your myspace profile get deleted over night[/quote]
Is it wrong that I am finding humour in that?
I really thought you were gonna say tell the male friend that you got his girlfriend pregnant. That would also cure her hiccups I’m sure. But since I’m already pregnant, I guess I have to skip straight to the gun to cure my boyfriend’s hiccups? Or maybe tell him we’re having triplets…
I am so sad that your myspace account was deleted, the only reason I kept mine open was to keep up with your blogs. Did you delete it or did “they” do it? I’m really going to miss it. I’m subscribed to this one, but the format isn’t as good. Fight the “power”! “TOM” is an ass!
seriously haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. i loved the mom with hiccups one the best. are you really off of myspace? too sad.
I didn’t do it at all. I wouldn’t cannibalize the biggest promotinal source for me… I haven’t figured out what I want to do yet
Sorry your myspace got deleted Kevin.
haha, good one to pull from the vault – I love this one… and best wishes for your finals
totally agree with Rachel… Kevin was driving traffic to myspace… if anything they should be cutting him checks, not deleting him
[quote comment="1559"]I am so sad that your myspace account was deleted, the only reason I kept mine open was to keep up with your blogs. Did you delete it or did “they” do it? I’m really going to miss it. I’m subscribed to this one, but the format isn’t as good. Fight the “power”! “TOM” is an ass![/quote]
I’ve actually told my boyfriend I was pregnant to cure his hiccups lol
I can’t believe you were deleted! You blogs were so popular, and you are one of the few top bloggers that actually replied to almost everyone’s comments no matter how lame or retarded. I’m sad to see you go
I just told my boyfriend I am pregnant. For Christmas I’m gonna tell him I was lyin – I figure relief is the best gift ever. I’ll have to remember it again in case he gets the hiccups. And yes…I bitched a fit when I couldn’t find you this morning on myspace…..motherfuckers and fathersuckers…..
Yeah, was extremely disappointed about your MySpace. I was just starting to get used to a daily dose of your humor. I’m thinking you must have upset some overly sensitive yet influential whiney butt somewhere, and apparently, the powers that be don’t know a good thing when they see one. Sure glad I subscribed here. Keep it up, Kevin!!!!
Man, it sucks that your MySpace account was deleted man. I opened my page and noticed that my friends page was missing someone, but I never would have thought it was gonna be you. I’ll subscribe here though cause reading your stuff always give me a laugh.
Great blog by the way.
[quote comment="1553"][quote comment="1552"]Sounds advice on how to help fellow men/women, but how would you cure your own hiccups?[/quote]
watch your myspace profile get deleted over night[/quote]
Did they give you a reason? Do you even have a clue as to why? A lot of people are pissed off, if it makes you feel any better.
That’s why I’m boycotting Tom! Fuck him! LOL
I was very disappointed to find your myspace profile deleted … It was very enjoyable to have your blogs nearly everyday. I always find myself amazed that you could continue to come up with new stuff everyday and always looked forward to what you wrote next…I ejoyed the way you would write, alwys thought it was Jim Romesce for some reason, a little raunchier, but without the arrogance or the clones. It wouldnt be too hard to rebuild Kevin Freaking. A new look .. and a new name..How about I,Kevin or The Freaking K…. Besides, comebacks are stylish nowadays. All the cool people are doing them right now..like uh….well … I’m sure someone is trying to make a comeback, why not lead the Freaking charge?
The Oprah/Dr. Phil/Lifetime thing would fix my hiccups but only because I would be too busy screaming for joy to think about them.
funny blog! yeah, it really sucks that your myspace got deleted…was hoping it was just a glitch! it’s ridiculous that some people took your humor seriously and were offended…they really need to get a life because a lot of people are upset now! but i will be coming here to get my daily dose of morning laughter, so keep it up!