Starlets whose Crotches I DON’T Need to See

In the past 5 years, the celebrity crotch shot has become almost a rite of passage for young female celebrities. From Lindsay to Paris to Tara Reid, the bearded clam expose is guaranteed a young starlet some much-needed press. Call me jaded, but part of me thinks they do it on purpose just to get noticed. And that’s OK, because I really, really like looking at vaginas…

That is until Britney Spear’s recent stir-causing crotch shot. Her junk looks like a chewed up Fruit Rollup and she looks all dank down there – the smell of dirty socks and spoiled shrimp comes to mind. And call me nuts, but to me a C section scar just doesn’t cry out “bang me.”

Which got me to thinking: which hollywood starlets would I least want to see a paparrazi-snapped crotch shot of. Here are the top 5 I came up with:

5. Rosie O’Donnell

Her crotch must look like a honeyglazed ham wearing a toupee. I honestly don’t think I could recover if that image was burned into my retinas.

4. Meatloaf

OK, so he’s not a exactly a “starlet,” but I ask you this my friends: would you like to gaze upon the mighty Loaf’s Meat? I thought not. The only glimmer of hope is that his “Gock” would probably obscure most of his naughty bits in the picture.

3. Dakota Fanning

Because even the Donk has SOME standards and morals my friends.

2. Star Jones

That thing must be ashier than a 19th Century chimney and look like an old pair of brown stage curtains. And we won’t even get into the stretchmarks issue…oh the humanity, the humanity.

1. Jessica Alba

I fear that one small glimpse of my sweet Jessica’s love cave would sear my eyes out with its piercing beauty, and melt my face like that dude in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And that’s definitely not a good look: