No Plans for New Years? Let Me Help!

(Note: Remember I write humor blogs, I do not take myself seriously.)

It’s that time of year where people start to put pressure on themselves to figure out what they are doing for New Years. Due to my current relationship status, which you would classify as in limbo or totally fucked up, I figured I should strike and use my international celebrity to make some dough. (I have A reader in Barbados making me international bitches!)

So I am going to auction myself on ebay.com as a potential running mate for New Years. Now you notice I didn’t say date, I want to keep this open to straight males as well because everyone needs a drinking buddy. (Plus I don’t want to cut my market in half, that just isn’t good business.)

Here is the contents of the ad:

-No plans for New Years?
-Recently divorced?
-Unlucky in love?
-Looking like you are going to be left alone while all your friend have dates?

Have no fear, internationally known blogger (he has 1 reader in Barbados) and general celebrity (he has gotten more work than Jim Varney in the last year), Kevin’s “Freaking” Whatever will go out with you on New Years!

With your winning bid Kevin will fly to your city and be your New Years date/drinking buddy/dirty hooker! Can anyone think of a better way to spend New Years than a night on the town with Kevin?* He will then depart the next day in the afternoon.**

Kevin can hold conversations with people from all walks of life and is a natural socializer.*** Plus he is a barrel… Ok… a can of fun!

What can the winning bidder expect?

The benefits for a male bidder:

-Kevin loves strippers! He once went to a bachelor party and arraigned a lapdance that he is legally not allowed to talk about!

-Kevin will jump on a hand grenade for the boys. While attending the University of New York at Albany, Kevin won the wingman award two months running. Highlighted by him taking one for the team while his friend Dennis landed a hot chick. Kevin fought off her friend Jen and proceeded to drive home not knowing where he parked his car for three days. Dennis did get laid though while Jen attempted to stalk him and sexually harass him for months on end.

Here is an artist’s rendering of Jen:

-Kevin also loves to drink, has knowledge of gambling and sports, also he is a great darts player. Perfect for any hustling that you would like to do at the bar!

The benefits for a female bidder:

-Kevin has a crooked penis that bends up and to the right slightly. It is sure to hit a special spot and make you swoon. (Plus he is a damn good kisser.)

-Kevin will probably not piss your bed.

-He is a total piece of ass.

-He will actually listen to what you have to say, hell he is getting paid to do it!

-At one point he will make a totally inappropriate comment to a friend or roommate making at least the next half hour totally uncomfortable!

It all sounds good to be true doesn’t it? But wait there is more!

For both sexes Kevin will also:

-Autograph at least one body part so you can get it tattooed.
-Will carve, “Red was here” somewhere in your apartment/house/jail cell.
-At one point he will ask, “Does the carpet match the drapes?”
-On New Years Day, he will pray to the porcelain gods at least once, probably getting some vomit on the seat for you to keep for years to come.

So get out your credit cards or sign up for a new one with a fresh credit limit! This is a once and a life time chance to have someone with some perceived importance out with you for New Years!

*(Note: Kevin is not responsible for making plans, nor is guaranteeing a good time. A winning bid does not mean you will get laid and it will probably lead to Kevin pissing off family members or long time friends.)

**(Note: This will give you ample time to wash the feeling or regret and remorse off of your body.)

***(Note: Kevin is not ulitmately responsible for anything he says, after a certain point it WILL be the alcohol talking.)

RESIDENTS OF TEXAS ARE NOT ALLOWED ENTRY.

So there you have it folks:

Do you have any questions?

What should I set the reserve bid to $2.00?