Great Moments in Drunk Dialing History

(NOTE: These have been reconstructed via re-tellings by the called and from CSI like investigations the next day.)

When I drink I usually have some issues with the whole concept of moderation, I go from 0 to 75 with no looking back. The issue is I hold my alcohol rather well, I am at times rather composed for being totally shit faced. One of the issues is I lose large portions of the evening in my memory when I drink a ton, usually it is during these times that I feel it is a good time to use the phone. So without further adieu here are some of the great moments in drunk dialing history:

3) Calling a phone sex number for all of my roommates to hear and talking about anything except sex (I had “anything but sex” in there but that read kind of weird)

For some reason one night I thought it would be funny to call a phone sex line out of the back of Rolling Stone Magazine for two bucks a minute. I of course was really loud when doing this so my entire house could hear my conversation. Being in the condition I was in there was no possible way that I could have flogged the bishop. For shits and giggles I called up and talked about the following subjects:

Can a man’s nuts ever be too big?

My obsession with wanting to piss in the fountain that was in the center of the town.
What is the freakiest thing guys call up to talk about?
Do guys brag about the size of their penis when talking to them. Do they automatically chalk it up to it being a fantasy and assume the guy is really small?
How can I get a job with them because I do a kick ass Swedish accent.

About forty minutes into the conversation one of my roommates cane out of his room laughing his ass off and told me I should probably hang up because that call at this point had cost me around a hundred bucks. He was wrong it only cost me ninety!

2) Calling an ex girlfriend to come over when my current girlfriend was already on the way.

Things I remember two things from this evening:

“You did NOT fucking call her?!?”

and

A diamond tennis bracelet being taken off and thrown at my face cutting me.

You can file this under: Dumbest ways to ruin a perfectly good relationship.
Sub file under: Why I refuse to buy jewelry anymore.

1) The Chef Boyardee incident

When I was going to school at Albany, I was dating a girl that lived back in Rochester. One night after going out I decided to wake my lovely girlfriend and talk to her at 3 am. She told me it probably would be a pretty good idea to eat at this point so I wouldn’t be that hung over the next day. I agreed and decided that beef ravioli would be the way to go. The problem was I was way too drunk to open the can with a hand held can opener.

For about 15 minutes I struggled trying to open the can. It had gotten to the point where she was on the other end consoling me because I was just about in tears.

Apparently I did get the can open. The next day I woke up on the couch with beef ravioli down the front of my shirt and a can with the top pried open with a fork in it.

After investigating I reconstructed the incident here are some facts:

1) I opened the can with a bottle opener that you also use to puncture the top of Pineapple juice cans with.
2) I decided not microwaving it was a good option.
3) You could follow a trail from the kitchen to the living room of ravioli and sauce because I guess I was trying to walk and eat at the same time.

Needless to say everyone thought it was a good idea to buy me a lot of these for Christmas the next year:

So what are some of your drunk dialing experiences?

Also my friend’s film distribution company has started a profile on myspace. If you are a fan of film, a film maker, or just want to help a guy live his dream check out the profile, add them, and subscribe to their blog… They have some pretty exciting plans in the future: Frontal Lobe Films.