Archive for December, 2006

A New Years Resolution We Can All Make

Published by Kevin on December 29, 2006 in My Wisdom. 7 Comments

I had a blog that was set and ready to go for today but I realized that today is going to be my last blog of this year. I couldn’t go out with a blog about the lead singer of Babyshambles, so I went back to the drawing board to write something thought provoking and poignant. Something that would unite us all in the brotherhood of humankind and get us all motivated for the New Year.

When sitting down to write I decided that it would be a good idea to offer up a new years resolution we can make together, something that will make the world a better place.

I propose that in 2007 we all make the resolution to kill all the left handed people of the world.

lefthanded

Now you maybe sitting there and saying to yourself, “Why would I want to kill all the left handers of the world?”

Think about it… Look at the pain and suffering they cause the people of this earth.

1) The annoying ass left handed desk- There is nothing worse than showing up for class late and being stuck with one of the 15 left handed desks in the class room. Why they need to have 15 desks I will never know. The fact of the matter is that they are annoying to write at and if there were no left handers in the world this problem would not exist.

leftorium

2) No more Leftorium references- I don’t care what anyone says, you can start to trace the downfall of the Simpsons when they did the episode about Flanders and his store, the Leftorium. Nothing good comes out of giving Flanders a whole half hour, NOTHING.

3) The awkward banquet or dinner party disappears- How many times has this happened? You have gone out to a dinner with a large group of people or a banquet and get stuck next to the left hander, meaning that your hands and elbows are going to interfere with each other for the remainder of the night, thus ruining your dinner. It has happened to me on more than one occasion, if it was all right handers everything would be in a perfect pattern. Who wouldn’t enjoy their dinner more that way?

Now I know people are going to be all up in arms about this. Some people are related to a lefty or are in love with one. This is about the greater good people! You need to put aside your lame reasons for caring about a lefty and think about society.

Sure I know someone is going to throw out the line, “But what about all the important left handers throughout history?”

What about them?

Robert McNamara
Fidel Castro

lovematch

Richard Simmons
Pat Roberston
Jack the Ripper
Phil Collins
Tim Allen
Tom Cruise
Fran Drescher
Howie Mandel

Now does anyone want to make a case for any of those people? Come on now… Think about it, no more episodes of Deal or No Deal, how can you not be behind this plan?

So how about it everyone, is this something we can unite together and accomplish? A no lefty by 2008 campaign! Who is with with me?

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    • A Personal Year in Review

    Published by Kevin on December 27, 2006 in My Life. 2 Comments

    Last year I did a year in review making fun of all the things I forgot to talk about. I was planning on doing a year in review for this year but everyone has done one. Since I feel the need to be different I am going to offer up a personal year in review because I know everyone out there really wants to know these gritty details of my life. I went through my personal journal, I keep one on my computer like Doogie Howser, and picked the highlights and lowlights of the year.

    January- I had a bowel movement on January 15th that would set the bar for the rest of the bowel movements of the year. This bowel movement coincided with the announcement of Kevin Federline’s new album and the leak of his single.

    February- On February 5th I felt the need to begin to search for a Valentines Day date, so I signed up for J-Date.com. Due to the fact I am not Jewish and I can’t date a girl that doesn’t enjoy giving oral sex the experience overall was a failure. So I ended up spending Valentines Day watching “Dickman and Throbin versus the Delta Sigma sorority house”, I consider this a win.

    March- I ran into a burning building to save a single mother and two of her kids. When the press arrives and asks me what I want in return I answer, “A mustache ride from Tom Selleck, he doesn’t have anything better to do.” My exploits are never told in the media and Tom Selleck doesn’t get any work.

    April- Nothing fun ever happens in April.

    sarah silverman

    May- I see Sarah Silverman at Doughboys while eating lunch with my friend Michelle and her baby. Silverman keeps staring at the baby who I am holding, in my mind I convince myself that she is really checking me out because I am more attractive than Jimmy Kimmel. Her stare goes into my spank bank and I reconsider the whole J-date.com thing.

    June- Slowly I become panic stricken at the idea of me fitting into my summer bikini. I don’t eat anything for two weeks and run wearing glad garbage bags under a sweat suit. Then for two weeks after that I vomit anything I do eat. Of course it is all for naught when I do go to the beach in my bikini and get beaten to an inch of my life.

    July- Still in hospital recovering living in a drug induced haze, receive fantastic sponge bath from a candy striper and then believe that I am in love. Sadly when I get out of my haze I realize that Dana was neither a candy striper or a female but will admit he had fantastic hands.

    August- I make my standup comedy debut and peak while making fun of Andy Dick. Then I get shunned by the black community as I make one too many Def Comedy Jam jokes. What can I say, “white people ARE crazy!”

    September- Begin my final year of school and realize that there is zero change of me nailing a freshman college girl ever again. Weep for a month realizing my better days are behind me.

    toilet

    October- Thought it would be cute to dress up as a giant toilet for Halloween until a defensive lineman from the football team decides to try out the giant toilet thinking it would be, “just right.”

    November- I catch a ton of shit for making a really bad Goldylocks joke in October. Also I get really tired of driving on the way home from Thanksgiving and run another care off the road. I phone it into the police and blame a drunken Tracey Gold, yet again.

    December- I get a really lame idea for a blog and about halfway through decide that is a poor idea but commit to the idea and refuse to back out.

    So there you have it. My personal year in review, I realize how riveting that was.
    What was your personal highlight/lowlight from this year?

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    • We Can’t Let Those Dirty Spaniards Beat Us!

    Published by Kevin on December 26, 2006 in Current Affairs. 1 Comment

    I saw this article on Christmas Eve and I was a little bit more than peeved.

    From yahoo.com:

    Cocaine on 94 percent of Spanish banknotes

    Traces of cocaine can be found on 94
    percent of banknotes in Spain, a country that has one of the
    world’s highest rates of users, according to a study published
    on Sunday.

    The 100 notes tested were collected in gyms, supermarkets
    and pharmacies across Spain, where increased affluence and
    falling street prices have made the drug more and more
    accessible.

    Cocaine now sells for as little as 60 euros (40 pounds) a
    gram, or 5 euros ($7) a line, and it is regularly used by 1.6
    percent of Spaniards, up from 0.9 percent in 1999, a government
    report said this month.

    Law enforcement agencies say cocaine is getting cheaper and
    more popular in Europe because of efforts to boost production
    by Colombian paramilitaries and rebels who need money for
    weapons. Spain is a major entry point to Europe for the
    smugglers.

    It was not clear how many of the notes had been used to
    snort cocaine and how many had picked up traces from other
    bills, according to the study by the Sailab laboratory,
    published in the daily El Mundo.

    ______________________________________

    94% holy shit, how is that even possible? Is that on all denominations? Do people throw a party and start with small bills and work their way to larger ones?

    Seriously I can’t even wrap my head around that number. In fact I was personally offended by that as an American. Are we now falling behind the Spanish in the coked out currency race? Sure we are behind a lot of countries in education, medicine, and other measuring sticks but this… THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

    Not to be outdone by the Spanish I decided to get the staff at my personal lab to conduct some studies in order to boost the esteem of the people of our great nation. Once and for all we are going to show how impressive our statistics are! Here are some startling facts that we have come up with.*

    -99.9% of all American Motels report to have semen stains when examined under a black light.

    -75% of all Los Angeles police have taken a baton to an African American suspect for, “shits and giggles”

    -68% of the American Public voted for last years American Idol

    -10% of those people voted in the midterm election

    -.9% of the the American Population was fathered by K-Fed

    -15% was fathered by current or former NBA players.

    -99% of the country still can’t point to Afghanistan on a map

    -75% of American Males have yanked it to either the Bush Twins or the Olson Twins

    -5% of all myspace users have bitched about my content

    -90% of the people that read this haven’t made it this far in the blog

    So are there any stats you would want to throw back into the face of the Spanish?

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    • Best of 2006: Ways to Cure Hiccups Without Using a Gun

    Published by Kevin on December 14, 2006 in Current Affairs. 20 Comments

    (I have a day packed with finals so I figured I would dip into the vault and bring up one of my favorite entries from the year.)BOGOTA, Colombia— A Colombian man who tried to startle his nephew from a bout of the hiccups by pointing a gun at him accidentally pulled the trigger and killed him.

    Police in the northern city of Barranquilla said the distraught uncle then ran out of the house and down the street a few yards before stopping and shooting himself. He died from a gunshot wound in the head. According to police, the incident occurred Sunday night after the two men had been drinking.

    —————————————————————————————————

    I don’t even know where to start with this. I am not going to even talk about the stupidity of waiving the gun around, which is common knowledge, well unless you live in Colombia.

    What I want to talk about is the whole scaring people with hiccups thing. This has taken it to a whole different level. Whatever just happened for waiting for it to go away? Apparently hiccups are so dangerous that you need to get rid of them very fast or the
    repercussions could be life threatening. Also I guess scaring the ever living shit out of someone is the only way to get rid of them, since our culture is so desensitized to violence and we already live in a culture of fear, I guess you have to step it up a notch, thus using a gun.

    So the next time your loved one has hiccups here are some things you can to do to help cure them:

    Your wife or girlfriend:

    - Tell her you are going to go to the mini-mart to buy milk, when you leave wait ten minutes, put on all black, a ski mask, kick open the front door and hold a knife to her neck… When she pisses herself take off the mask and ask if her hiccups are gone? Since you saved her life you will probably have hot sex.

    Your mother:

    - Go out into the garage with your father run back into the house and tell her that you need to use the phone because your dad just had a massive heart attack. When your mom runs out to the garage have your dad pop up and ask if her hiccups are gone.

    Your Boss

    - Go into your boss’s office and flip out telling him that you quit and that you can’t stand looking at his weaselie face. Grab his chair and fling it though the window. Then grab your boss and hang him out the window by his feet. Once he has stopped hiccupping reel him in! You will probably get a promotion now that you cured his hiccups.

    Your Husband/Boyfriend

    - Just tell him you are pregnant.

    Your children (ages 3-7)

    - Get all freaked out and nervous saying that you hear something outside. Go out to the shed and grab a Santa hat with ketchup on it that you had planted out there. Return to the house and tell the kids that you had to kill a burglar and place the Santa hat on the kitchen table… Since they will probably be in tears the hiccups will have stopped giving them years of healthy living, plus since you killed Santa you can save money on Christmas gifts.

    Your friend (female)

    - Tell them that one of the following things has happened: Lifetime Network went out of business, Dr. Phil got killed in a car accident, Oprah was mugged and murdered outside of her studio, Brad Pitt came out of the closet, or tampons have been discovered to shave ten years off of your life.

    Your friend (male)

    - Congratulate him and then tell him you heard from your girlfriend that his girlfriend is pregnant. Then ask, “Oh didn’t you know?”

    You see curing the hiccups is a rather fun exercise. Home invasion, fake death, lying, holding people out of windows all to cure something that webmd.com says will go away within a few minutes to at worst a few hours. I guess you could take the pussy way out and drink a class of water fast or breath into a bag, but come on now. Sure maybe my tactics are extreme, but I guess putting a gun to someone’s head is the progressive treatment.

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    • No Plans for New Years? Let Me Help!

    Published by Kevin on December 12, 2006 in No Point. 2 Comments

    (Note: Remember I write humor blogs, I do not take myself seriously.)

    It’s that time of year where people start to put pressure on themselves to figure out what they are doing for New Years. Due to my current relationship status, which you would classify as in limbo or totally fucked up, I figured I should strike and use my international celebrity to make some dough. (I have A reader in Barbados making me international bitches!)

    So I am going to auction myself on ebay.com as a potential running mate for New Years. Now you notice I didn’t say date, I want to keep this open to straight males as well because everyone needs a drinking buddy. (Plus I don’t want to cut my market in half, that just isn’t good business.)

    Here is the contents of the ad:

    -No plans for New Years?
    -Recently divorced?
    -Unlucky in love?
    -Looking like you are going to be left alone while all your friend have dates?

    Have no fear, internationally known blogger (he has 1 reader in Barbados) and general celebrity (he has gotten more work than Jim Varney in the last year), Kevin’s “Freaking” Whatever will go out with you on New Years!

    With your winning bid Kevin will fly to your city and be your New Years date/drinking buddy/dirty hooker! Can anyone think of a better way to spend New Years than a night on the town with Kevin?* He will then depart the next day in the afternoon.**

    Kevin can hold conversations with people from all walks of life and is a natural socializer.*** Plus he is a barrel… Ok… a can of fun!

    What can the winning bidder expect?

    The benefits for a male bidder:

    -Kevin loves strippers! He once went to a bachelor party and arraigned a lapdance that he is legally not allowed to talk about!

    -Kevin will jump on a hand grenade for the boys. While attending the University of New York at Albany, Kevin won the wingman award two months running. Highlighted by him taking one for the team while his friend Dennis landed a hot chick. Kevin fought off her friend Jen and proceeded to drive home not knowing where he parked his car for three days. Dennis did get laid though while Jen attempted to stalk him and sexually harass him for months on end.

    Here is an artist’s rendering of Jen:

    hunchback

    -Kevin also loves to drink, has knowledge of gambling and sports, also he is a great darts player. Perfect for any hustling that you would like to do at the bar!

    The benefits for a female bidder:

    -Kevin has a crooked penis that bends up and to the right slightly. It is sure to hit a special spot and make you swoon. (Plus he is a damn good kisser.)

    -Kevin will probably not piss your bed.

    -He is a total piece of ass.

    -He will actually listen to what you have to say, hell he is getting paid to do it!

    -At one point he will make a totally inappropriate comment to a friend or roommate making at least the next half hour totally uncomfortable!

    It all sounds good to be true doesn’t it? But wait there is more!

    For both sexes Kevin will also:

    -Autograph at least one body part so you can get it tattooed.
    -Will carve, “Red was here” somewhere in your apartment/house/jail cell.
    -At one point he will ask, “Does the carpet match the drapes?”
    -On New Years Day, he will pray to the porcelain gods at least once, probably getting some vomit on the seat for you to keep for years to come.

    So get out your credit cards or sign up for a new one with a fresh credit limit! This is a once and a life time chance to have someone with some perceived importance out with you for New Years!

    *(Note: Kevin is not responsible for making plans, nor is guaranteeing a good time. A winning bid does not mean you will get laid and it will probably lead to Kevin pissing off family members or long time friends.)

    **(Note: This will give you ample time to wash the feeling or regret and remorse off of your body.)

    ***(Note: Kevin is not ulitmately responsible for anything he says, after a certain point it WILL be the alcohol talking.)

    RESIDENTS OF TEXAS ARE NOT ALLOWED ENTRY.

    So there you have it folks:

    Do you have any questions?

    What should I set the reserve bid to $2.00?

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    • The Enemies List

    Published by Kevin on December 10, 2006 in Hate Mail. 0 Comments

    Over the last year I have had new people come along and start reading the feces that I write. I think now would be a good time to clear some things up and get everyone on the same page. Here is a list of enemies of the state of Kevin (I normally don’t refer to myself in the third person or as a state but I figured I would try it on for size and see how it feels.)

    Here is a good primer for newer readers so you know where I stand on very important topics, plus I am really bored of doing school work and decided to piss away time on this.

    Paris Hilton

    paris hilton

    Why- I pretty much regard her as the Anti-Christ. She has proven that if you don’t have talent and if your parents have enough money for a lot of plastic surgery you can become famous. When I hear her talk I want to take a pair of child safety scissors and attempt to cut of my ears.

    Andy Dick and Patton Oswalt

    andy dickpatton oswalt

    Why- I had a run in with Andy Dick one night and he basically acted like the biggest asshole ever. (you can read about that here) Then I wrote about it and Patton Oswalt decided to call me a “douchebag” in an e-mail exchange with someone that reads my blogs. (you can read about that here)

    Infantilists aka dudes that wear diapers

    diaper

    Why- If you get turned on by shitting in a diaper and having someone change it for you well then you and I are going to have issues. I think it is something that is really funny and I will make fun it of. You will probably posts links to my blog on bdsm message boards and have friends send me death threats. I wrote about this before and it was taken down by myspace, you can read it here now.

    Johnathan from Blow Out

    johnathen

    Why- Look at the picture, tell me you don’t think he is a douchebag? Plus I got sucked into a show on Bravo, how is that possible?

    Adult Harry Potter Fans

    adult harry potter fans

    Why- While it is ok for me to make jokes about abortion, racism, death, maiming, and other subjects. When I took on Harry Potter people didn’t seem to like that, here is the myspace blog with all the people freaking out.

    People that are pissed off at me in return:

    Fall Out Boy Fans
    Other Bloggers
    Inmate Rights Advocates
    Canadians
    Hookers
    The mentally disabled
    Southerners
    Michael J Fox fans
    About 12 ex-girlfriends
    Freddie Prinze Jr. Fans
    Cheerleaders
    Sex Offenders
    Steve Guttenberg
    Seventeen Magazine

    Is there anyone else that you feel we should include on either list?

    Would anyone like to make a case why anyone from here should be removed?

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