I haven’t done of of these in awhile. For those of you who haven’t read one of the Parade Magazines Questions Answered entries let me explain a little. Parade Magazine is that dumb little magazine that you get in the Sunday newspaper. The question and answer section in the opening cover is full of the dumbest questions, which are probably sent in by publicists for their clients to promote their latest project. Anyways I like to take these questions and give them my own little spin to them.
Q. As a James Bond fan, I’d like to know who was the tallest 007.
-G. Martinez, Jamaica, N.Y.
A:This might have been the hardest question I have ever had to answer. I don’t trust the stats Hollywood Agents give out I had to send someone in undercover to meet with these men face to face. Since I have alienated most of the women in my life I had to turn to family and send in my aunt Gertrude to seduce them all and get their official height.
In a trip that lasted two weeks, costs thousands of dollars, and included a lot of roofies, my Aunt reported back to me with her findings:
Sean Connery- 7 inches
George Lazenby- 6.5 inches
Timothy Dalton- 6.5 inches
Pierce Brosnan- 9 inches
Roger Moore- 6 inches
Daniel Craig- 3.5 inches
Sadly when I sent my Aunt Gertrude on this mission I asked her to find out, “How big are the actors that played James Bond.” This is all my fault because I gave shitty directions. So sorry G. Martinez, I really didn’t answer your question.
Q. It’s 10 years since Emilio Estevez’s film D3: The Mighty Ducks. What’s he been doing?
-Paul P., Lansing, Mich.
A: He has been working hard on trying to get another Men at Work made. I caught up with Charlie and this is what he had to say:
“Yeah I have Keith David all lined up to reprise his role, I was shocked that he was available but there are still some small things to overcome. First of all we can’t get the right script and most of the screenwriters we have approached have laughed at us. I think we have the inside track on Lost creator JJ Abrahms but I can’t be sure.
Also my brother Charlie keeps getting work. I figured after the divorce and the revelation that he has a massive porn addiction that he would be ready to go but he still has a show on CBS. Maybe next year.”
Q. Why did Jill Marie Jones leave the hit sitcom Girlfriends after six years?
-C. Strickland, Saucier, Miss.
A:Jill Marie Jones? Girlfriends? I have no idea what you are talking about. Can you show me a picture of the cast?
Huh… I must have never gotten that issue of Jet. What station are they on?
Q. Where did Allison Fisher, the women’s pro billiards champ, get the nickname “The Duchess of Doom”?
-Rick Garrett, Charleston, S.C.
A: Funny you should ask.
Allison Fisher actually used to be a man.
She used to wrestle as one of the members of the Legion of Doom.
After severely damaging her hip she came off the road and decided to come out of the closest getting a sex change, dropping 200 pounds, and living her/his dream of becoming a professional pool player. As a shout out to the past she has the nickname “The Duchess of Doom”.
Q. It didn’t take Rosie O’Donnell long to drown out the conversation of the other ladies on The View. Will they stand for it?
-Laura W., Atlanta, Ga.
A: Elizabeth Hasselback has stated that Rosie O’Donnell’s addition to the View was a tactic by left wing Hollywood liberals to silence her conservative viewpoints on the view.
When they talked to Barbara Walters about it she said that she would be requiring both ladies to start wearing one of these:
In other news Joy Behar was ecstatic because people would now have to give a shit over what she has to say.