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Using OJ Logic

By: Bobby Finstock on 11/15/06 @ 5:48 pm

Well for those of you living under a rock OJ Simpson has a new book coming out about the murders he didn’t commit. Here is a little snippet from the AP wire story:

“O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes,” the network said in a statement. “In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade.”

Oj Simpson
I love this logic. In fact it might be the greatest thing to ever happen. Soon we’ll have a guy step forward in Colorado saying, “Well I didn’t kill Jon Benet Ramsey but if I was going to this is how I would do it.” This logic sets a precedent that is just astounding to me.

Imagine the possibilities when it comes to spousal arguments. “Honey I didn’t cheat on you and give you herpes, but if I was going to do it this is how it would go down.” With her response being, “Well I mean I didn’t fuck your best friend but if I did do it this is how I would have done it, gotten away with it, and then divorced you taking half. But these are all theories my dear.”

You could conceivably admit every wrong doing you have ever done to get it off of your chest while never REALLY admitting it. In fact there are a couple of things I would like to clear up.

To my sister: I never stole that twenty dollar bill out of your room when it was a mess. If I was going to do it this is how I would have done it, I would have entered your room while in disarray and just sneak it out of your wallet. Of course because of the disarray I wouldn’t be blamed for it missing and when you would go complain to mom she would just scream at you for your room being a mess. Also I bought that box of baseball cards with money I got from dad, honest.

To my biology teacher: I never cheated with the entire back left corner of the biology classroom. If we were going to cheat we would have just written answers in pencil on the middle of the black lab tables and erased them at the end of class.

To my old housemate: While I know you are still wondering who shit on your pillow I would just like to say that I had nothing to do with it. However if it was something I was going to do I would wait until you decided to get a slice of pizza after a night of drinking and rush home to leave an awesome steamer on your pillow. Then I would make sure I ran down stairs and made out with a girl I pulled out of the bar on the couch so you would never suspect me when you got home. Of course when you found said shit on your pillow which led to you getting cock blocked, I would feign fake disgust and say something like, “That is really fucked up man.”

Is there anything you would like to talk about you didn’t do but want to explain how you would do it?

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

One Response to “Using OJ Logic”

  1. Brian says:

    Ever since I was first over-exposed to the OJ trial, I have firmly believed that there was no possible way he could have committed those murders. He is simply not that smart. Period.
    And thank you OJ, for writing this book and proving me right!!!!

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