Headlines: Reese Witherspoon shoots Young MC while Bill Gates looks on

For some reason I have been having a ton of problems sleeping lately. I can’t figure it what the cause of it is, although I have narrowed it down to a few possible causes:

-my meth addiction
-the nightmares about my last tour in Nam
-the bitches that be banging on my door
-the new pillow that I have that I hate

I am pretty sure it is one of those four? Would you like to attempt a guess on which one it is?

Because of this sleeping issue I have been waking up at really weird times and having problems getting back to sleep. Since I can’t sleep I decide to hop onto the net to read the latest news or sports headlines. There was something I noticed today when looking at the headlines.

I am totally convinced Reese Witherspoon has signed a deal with Satan. It is either that or she has a horseshoe jammed so far up her ass that it sets off every metal detector in an airport when she walks through.

The thing is nobody notices this because everyone loves Reese Witherspoon, well except for Ryan Phillippe but we get into that a bit later. She is a movie star that I never see on the cover of tabloids and never gets shit talked about her on the radio, it’s like she has been given a free pass which is something that is just unheard of.

I always had my suspicions about her but events in the last week have totally confirmed my theory.

This week she filed for divorce from her husband, actor Ryan Phillippe, which normally would be fodder for all the gossip rags, late night television jokes, and those crappy TV shows like Extra. Of course she filed within 24 hours of Trailer Park Magazines 2004 Couple of the Year:

Basically this ensures that nobody will talk about her divorce unless of course we learn that Phillippe was taking her to sex clubs and asking her to perform fellatio on Lou Ferrigno.

(Ferrigno is so cool he made Chuck Norris his bitch.)

Sometimes though getting up so early can lead to issues. I am so tired and groggy that I misread a lot of the headlines which leads to my confusion and outrage until I actually read the story.

For example this morning these are two headlines that I read that I got confused on:

“Young D.C. sniper gets life”

I read it as:

“Young M.C. sniper gets life”

(He has a greatest hits album? Who knew?)

I just sat there and thought, “Wow I guess Young M.C. went off of the deep end, how did I not hear about this?”

I thought I was out of the loop on a psycho Young MC taking out a McDonald’s or something.

The other headline was:

“Gates named nominee for Secretary of Defense”

This is what popped into my head:

I knew at that point it was time to try to go back to sleep.