"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."

Nov
07

An open letter to women: Please stop with the handjobs

By: Bobby Finstock on 11/7/06 @ 7:15 pm

Today I am going to break down a topic that has bugged me for years: Women giving men handjobs. Before I get into this subject I would like to first give a couple of exceptions to what I am about to say.

1) If you are 17 or under and haven’t had sex yet handjobs are ok.
2) If you are flogging your man’s bishop while doing a little suckie suckie… it is ok.
3) If you are on a first or second date and things were getting passionate but you just don’t want to go that far… it is ok.
4) Strippers can give them.

If you do not fall into one of those four categories above it is not alright to give your man hand relief. There are three inputs for my penis to go, your hand is not one of them.

Before everyone gets all up in arms about this let me lay out the logic for you and make my case that women should stop attempting to do this act.

1) We know our own equipment better- A woman giving a handjob is like a world class auto mechanic taking his car to a shitty dealership to get it fixed. Why would a mechanic take it there when:

  • He probably knows the equipment better
  • He can get it done in a faster amount of time
  • He is just more qualified to do it himself

Women kind of lose site of this because they outsource so many things when it comes to their bodies. Sure they can pluck their eyebrows, do their own nails, and wax their own taints but in general they rather pay someone to do that.

2) You are never in a comfortable position- It is always done in an awkward position and it looks like we are breaking your wrist. The angles are just poor and you can’t get a good motion going. It’s just not fun for anyone involved.

3) “It’s not a bottle cap, you don’t twist it. It’s a dick, you go up and down.” -Andrew Dice Clay

The horrible technique that women have for hand jobs is dumb founding. You meet a girl and she can suck a golf ball through a garden hose yet can’t handle your stick of love at all. When you think about it … well it is depressing. If monkeys and 13 year old boys can figure it out in seconds why does it take a woman years to learn it?

handjob
(Translation: For those with carpel tunnel.)

In summation, ladies please think twice about attempting to give a handie.

I am not reaching out to you to be a jerk but out of love. Think of me as being the guy that tells you that you have a piece of broccoli in your teeth as opposed to the one that lets you walk around with it all day.

You are welcome women of the world.

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

7 Responses to “An open letter to women: Please stop with the handjobs”

  1. says:

    Someone had to break it to them. Thank you. Finally. Hand jobs are no fun!

    *Message not addressed to minors.

  2. says:

    thank you kevin, thank you.

    this is probably too much info, but as an “uncut” man, i gotta tell ya, if its not done right, it fucking hurts!

  3. says:

    Don’t wanna know the search terms you had to use to find the pic of the handjob robot.

  4. T says:

    I love when women pay attention to my junk. That said, I have NEVER in my life had a good hand job from a woman, only myself. Like the other commenter said, it usually hurts, and you’re trying to grit your teeth & suffer thru it so as not to appear ungrateful or wreck the mood. It’s ok, ladies, we’d much rather a little head, or anything but a handjob, unless you’re VERY good and use some lotion, spit, whatever. I hope we’re not this bad when it comes time to go down on them.

  5. oidono says:

    I can totally understand how it can NOT be fun, but perhaps you aren’t helping your women to do it right? Do they, for example, use lube? Do they use two hands? My Fiance and I do handjobs mostly (not that I object to going down on him), because we can be closer that way. We lie side by side, sometimes facing each other (I like that best because then we can make a tent and I don’t get the covers wet with the lube), sometimes not.

  6. Brian says:

    this is 95% true. i had a girl that gave a handjob in school once and she reallly knew wat she was doing. she also gave me a blowjob and let me fuck it in school, after she said that she really liked my “material”. but that was like 10 minutes after the handjob.

  7. smokeblack says:

    I must disagree. My wife does a phenomenal job of stroking my member and I am crazy about it. I can’t get enough of feeling and seeing her hand slide up and down in a twirling motion and using many techniques to make me explode. I guess to each his own.

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