2006 November | Pointless Banter

Archive for November, 2006

I’ve got mail… convict love returns

Published by Kevin on November 30, 2006 in Convict Love. 1 Comment

For the new people around here this is basically a series where I went out to try to land a chick behind bars. Here are the first few entries if you want to get caught up:

The Bachelorette: Prison Style

Convict Conversations

Ten reasons why I am worse than Hitler (in response to a hate blog about what I am doing)

The Letter

Time to mail the letter (another response to how “evil” I am)

For those of you who don’t want to read. Let me just sum it up with picture of my new “love”interest.

Before I go into the transcription of the letter I would like to point out a few things. Since I redid the letter in a more redneck fashion and sent it out I found this women’s profile on multiple prisoner “pen pal” sites. I made some assumptions about that, let’s just say the letter confirms them. (Note: I have fixed the major spelling errors because it was really hard to transcribe it with all the red marks coming up. Let me just say she had some issues with mail and male.) Also I have to say that the letter is rather boring, I kind of figured it wouldn’t live up to the hype. Although the end is good.

TL,

God bless you for taking the time out to write me. Mail always make the time go fast. Thanks for saying all the nice things you did about me.

I really don’t like to talk about where I am at or how I got here. I made a few mistakes in my life that I am not proud of but Jesus Christ has come into my life to help me. Jesus has shown me that I got what I had coming to me.

Your life is much more fun than mine I would rather talk about that. I love anything that goes fast, it is really cool that you are into racing. We don’t get to watch all of the races in her but we still see a few of them. Little E is my favorite and I have pictures of him all over my bunk area.

Sorry to hear about your ex girlfriend and your father. You sound smart so you can find another girlfriend, remember there are always other fish in the sea.

I feel blessed that you have sent me a letter. The letters help me out by giving me something to do. Other than the letters though if you would ever want to send me some money to help me out I would be thankful.

Tell me what you are doing for Thanksgiving, I want to know more about you. Hope to hear from you again.

God Bless,

Rebbecca

Yeah I know, a total letdown. The letter was:

-rather short
-basically a plea for money
-she loves the lord

So this is where I am at with this. Rebecca is obviously on all these sites and probably making a good little income on lonely men writing her. I can’t find ANY information about her crime or what she is in jail for, the only thing I find in Texas under her name is that of a murder victim. So I am starting to believe that this is basically one giant money making scheme. She is the featured profile or one of the first ones that come up on these sites.

Usually I like women to at least tease me before trying to take money from me.

strippers

The question is: Do I bother even responding?

What is the best course of action here:

A) I could continue to press her for information that she doesn’t seem all that willing to give up.

B) Or I could write her every few weeks with like a lone penny attached to the message and see how long she writes back.

C) Write a letter telling her I want to bust her out (but I think prisons screen their messages so this is probably not the best idea)

D) Make up the most outlandish story about something on in my life that is so drama filled and crazy.

E) Just scrap it and move onto something like Jdate.com or the like. I could always create a profile on blackplanet.com in black face and write about how I hate the tv show Silver Spoons… But I have a feeling I might get stabbed for that.

Thoughts, reactions, ideas, suggestions…. Money?

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The Professor with creepiest TA ever

Published by Kevin on November 29, 2006 in Education. 0 Comments

When I was going to school at the great State University of New York at Albany I had a history class with a professor that had the creepiest teacher’s assistant ever. It was a Russian history class and I can’t even remember the professor’s name, however I do remember that he was a dead ringer for Matthew Sweet:

matthew sweet

Well his teacher’s assistant was a middle aged man that had the physical characteristics of the comic book guy from the Simpsons. Except he had an awful comb over and no pony tail.

comb over

He also had a mustache that was slightly larger than a Hitler style mustache but still cut in that block like shape. It had Cliff Clavin like thickness… (Yes I just referenced a show that has been off TV over ten years.)

Anyways I don’t want to say that it was his physical appearance that made him creepy because god knows that I am no Adonis. It was a combination of things with his looks and overall personality traits.

First of all he was one of the only TA’s that I have ever seen that sat in the back of the classroom. It was a large lecture center for something like 200 students and he would sit in the back the entire time watching over us all. You could physically feel him looking at you and starring holes into your back.

If you got up to leave during class he would give you a look like you had just raped his dog while tickling his mother in the ass with his troll collection.

troll doll

Then he would always laugh at the professor, not like how you would figure with the fake laugh that most people would be compelled to give. It was a deep Ed McMahon style laugh that had the speed though of a cackle.

I always felt he was creepy but never gave it much thought because I was one of two hundred students. That was until the infamous bus ride. Where I was on the way back from the mall on the bus. It was cramped as it was the last bus of the evening. At the time I was working at a sporting goods store and forced to take the bus home from work, being a freshman we were unable to have cars on campus.

When I got on the bus it was packed, I started to walk through to find an empty seat and spotted one, of course it was next to the creepy TA. The 15 minute ride was the most painful 15 minutes of my life. At first I thought maybe we would just ignore each other, which is what happened for about the first five minutes. That was not meant to be as he kept eyeballing me before saying, “I know you from somewhere.”

The next ten minutes were filled with him talking about his love for the Professor and how much everyone should love that class. He had a look in his eye that reminded me of Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.

silence of the lambs

I kept praying the entire time that he wasn’t going to try and abduct me so he could sacrifice me on the shrine he probably had at home dedicated to the Professor. Thank god I made it of the bus, as for the sacrifice he probably took a virgin girl or the token black guy… isn’t that the way it is supposed to work anyways?

Who is the creepiest person you have ever met?

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Things I will never wear

Published by Kevin on November 28, 2006 in Things I Think About. 0 Comments

While I don’t consider myself fashionable in anyway, shape, or form I do have some sort of basic sense of what I shouldn’t wear. Here are five items that you will never find in my closet.

5) Zubaz- The NFL fad from the early 1990s. I never owned them and even back in an era where hypercolor shirts were cool, I knew that these wouldn’t be.

zubaz

(what says team loyalty like Zebra stripes on sweatpants?)

4) Leather chaps- I don’t ride a Harley and I don’t hang out at gay clubs so I am pretty sure that I will never have to decide if it is appropriate for me to wear these or not. I am pretty comfortable leaning to the no side of things.

chaps

(I don’t think they will look any better on me.)

3) A Hoodie- I haven’t owned a hooded sweatshirt in over ten years. For some reason I hate wearing them, I always feel like I am being choked. Since I never actually put up the hood I don’t see the purpose of having one.

hoodie

(Black hoodie=socially dysfunctional.)

2) Crotchless panties- Regular panties maybe… but crotchless? I just can’t see that working out for me.

panties

(I think my hips are much hotter)

1) A dashiki- Yeah it isn’t all that funny but it took me like 15 minutes how to correctly spell the name of this item so it is going in the blog. I don’t see me looking good in any garb from the sixties or that primarily worn in Africa. Although I would be receptive to a mumu.

dashiki
(That blue would really make the color of my eyes standout.)

What is something that you can never see yourself wearing?

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Propranolol: no it is not roofies it’s a memory drug

Published by Kevin on November 27, 2006 in Current Affairs. 0 Comments

I was cruising around the internet this morning looking for low grade free porn sites like I do every Monday morning. (Okay it sounds much more entertaining than I was reading Monday Morning Quarterback by Peter King.) And I stumbled across this story that 60 Minutes has been working on about propranolol and it being used as a drug that suppresses pain caused by memories.

If you want to watch the video clips of the story you can view them here: Clickie, clickie.

Some of the proponents of the new drug say that this could be a great tool to fight post traumatic stress disorder in troops, a problem which has intensified over the years. Others worry about the misuse of the drug and basically think that we as a nation are way over medicated. (Which I tend to agree with.)

I got to thinking about the pitfalls of the drug and then I realized without a doubt there are some memories of my life I would love to lessen the pain associated with.

-seeing my parents have sex when I was 6
-the time I had a lower GI done
-that time I watched Glitter
-memories of my first girlfriend (really did I need to date someone that seemed to always have a green booger in their nose?)
-the time I fell down the stairs in a lecture center in front of hundreds of other students
-Cop Rock

rupaul

-the first time I realized that RuPaul was a man

So I have two questions to ask you:

If you could take a drug to lesson the pain of memories, would you?

Is this drug something that is morally and ethically right to take for those without extreme circumstances like post traumatic stress disorder?

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How much is too much?

Published by Kevin on November 26, 2006 in Things I Think About. 0 Comments

There are certain questions we all ask ourselves in our lifetime. Questions that are the essence of our being, questions that make us think, questions that make us examine our entire existence. Why are we here? How much alcohol would it take for that girl to go home with me? Is there a god? What is my purpose? Will the Colts cover the spread?

To me the most important question is how much is too much? What makes a person go from eating one cheeseburger to seven? What separates a person that goes see a band five times over the course of their life versus someone that sees a band 34 times on the same tour? What is the driving factor for someone to spend half of their paycheck every week on beanie babies or whatever the current collectible fad is?

Nothing interests me more for some reason. Maybe it is because watching people going psycho over meaningless nick knacks is entertaining to me? Or the fact that people will have complete tunnel vision to feed whatever habit that they have, that they have zero idea what is going on in the world around them? I don’t know what it is? What I do know is most of these people are in total self denial that they are hooked on something. So here are the five tell-tale signs that you are a little to into something and might need some help.

5) You have to install display cases in your house for your collection

barbie

That is an actual picture from someone’s home in Hawaii. The owner has over 5000 Barbie dolls in her home. 5000… let that sink in. Does anyone reading this own 5000 of anything?

4) You are purchasing things that have fallen off or been removed from someone’s body

There are people that collect hair clippings, teeth, finger nail clippings and other removed body parts from celebrities. Isn’t that going a bit far? Well unless it is Brooke Shields’s pubic hair, which I fully can understand.

3) You spend half a year designing your costume that you are going to wear to a convention.

tron

We’ve covered this in my anti Harry Potter blog that I wrote earlier in the year. Basically if you spend months designing a home made costume to wear to a convention including figuring out the best way to use the reclaimed PVC piping from your old septic system, you need help.

2) You learn to speak a fake language but can’t find Iraq on a map.

This is the most dumbfounding to me; people that take the time to learn a language that isn’t even real but they can’t even really function in society. Usually these are the people that sort the mail and other tasks that require very little human contact. These are the people that scare me the most. They are motivated enough to learn a second language that is complex yet totally fake and can’t be applied anywhere but they have issues when deciding to shower or bath.

1) You speak about your hobby as a family member.

I get really worried when people speak about an athlete or a celebrity or a character like the intimately know them. No matter how much you like the Simpsons, Homer is not the third member of your family behind you and the cat. And for the record your collection of cat poop that is the shape of Elvis is not “the kids”.

Now I must go and have sex with my wife:

jenna jameson

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Great lies that women have told me: toxic shock syndrome

Published by Kevin on November 25, 2006 in Dating. 3 Comments

I have decided to start a new series on here (so that means I will write about it twice and totally forget about it) called Great Lies That Women Have Told Me.

Today I want to cover the lie of Toxic Shock Syndrome and how it led to a horrible case of blue balls.

blueballs

Back when I was a young man just out of high school I was making out with a certain female and things were advancing well. I thought for sure it was going to end with me getting the little general into the marshlands.

As clothes began to peel off, everything came to a halt.

“We have to stop,” she said to me as she began to put her top back on.

“Uh, why?” I asked in my least pathetic tone (girls don’t like guys that beg or so that is what I read in one of my uncle’s playboys at the time).

“Well I am on my period. My mom always told me that if I had sex during my period that I could end up with toxic shock syndrome because of my tampon.”

(Yes I realize she could have just taken it out. But logic and debating skills go out the window when you are 18 and women start talking about their menstruation issues.)

She then went on to regal me with a tale of her cousin’s friend that had sex and forgot to remove a tampon. The tampon then ended up getting jammed up further into some body part that I don’t have. It resulted in her having to go to an emergency room, barely fighting off death.

Death, vagina, menstruation, and tampon had all been mentioned in under five minutes which automatically calls for my brain to be shut off and to go along with anything a women says. I put my clothes back on and just felt the pain of my swollen, underused sack.

For the first and surely not the last time in my life, I was destroyed by a lie told to me by a female….

Next in the series (to be posted sometime this week): “If I go too long I will get lockjaw.”

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