After seeing all the attention that Mike Tyson got after he announced that he wanted to fight women in a boxing tour I decided to call my manager and book a tour across the United States. In order to one up Tyson I figured that I would need to bring a little more to the table than just boxing. So I got on the phone to my buddies at Haliburton (I hear they do quality work at low prices) and had them build me one of these:
That’s right…. Thunderdome bitches!
My manager then booked a tour across the United States where I will fight to the death various women. Before you all say, “Well that is just abusive.” I would like to point out that there are weapons involved so the playing field will be leveled. So here is the list of dates and projected opponents. (Please note if by some chance I lose a match the dates will be made up by other people, so their is no guarantee that I will make it to your city alive or with all my limbs attached.)
November 23rd- Los Angeles- Nicole Richie
Preview- I hear the bitching already that I have her out weighed by close to 180 pounds or something like that. Granted I do think she will have a problem picking up a battle ax or lead pipe or even probably a knife if thrown into the Thunderdome, let’s be honest though I need a warmup to get into prime Thunderdome condition I can’t just go against Star Jones right off the bat.
December 25- Las Vegas- Celine Dione (also available on Pay Per View)
Preview- What a better way to celebrate the birth of Christ than a pay per view matchup between me and songbird Celine Dione? Elton John is going to play the Tina Turner role this weekend, it should be a good time. She is really lanky and probably has a longer reach than me so this could be a challenge.
January 31- Chicago – Oprah and one of the Olsen Twins on her shoulder Master Blaster style
Preview- Her people want to call it “High noon at Harpo” but I don’t know if I like that name. This matchup could be the roughest matchup of the entire trip due to my irrational fear of black women.
February 14th- New York- Katie Couric
Preview- Perky, short, athletic Couric is a beast waiting to be tamed. I imagine her fighting like that monkey guy in Bloodsport. (That is a reference that like four people will get.)
So there you have it folks there first four dates of my tour. Tickets will be going on sale at tickemaster in a few weeks and I hear the lines are about to open in Vegas. Rumor has it I am an underdog in the Oprah fight.
Is there anyone else that I should consider booking on the tour?