Of Blow Jobs and Broken Windows
Some time ago I wrote a blog describing a disastrous high school relationship I had with a girl I like to fondly refer to as Fem-Whore. To read the original story, click below.
Fem-Whore
As you may recall, Fem-whore was pregnant when I met her, and was therefore in the midst of a sort of “come to Jesus” phase, a phase made more likely seeing as her parents were the Baptist-Christian brainwashing type. Nevermind the fact that before she had become pregnant, and after she launched the little ne’r-do-well out of her fuck-chute, she was a raging drug addict sociapath. During the time I was with her, she was Christ’s little Angel.
Thanks to this newly found prudishness, Fem-Whore refused to have sex with me. Never mind that only a couple of months before the entire Sophomore class had been be-bopping away in her cervix…now she was pure before the Lord, her gaping vaginal opening left lonely, sullen even, it’s battered petals reluctantly accepting my probing fingers as a poor substitute to the hundreds of pulsating rods of its richer times. No, there was no sex for me.
She sure could suck a dick though.
Why is this, by the way? Why is it that so many holier-than-thou girls seem to have no moral dilemma with devouring your meats? And not only that, but seem to actually enjoy doing it more than any other girls on the planet? Such was the way of Fem-Whore. She would give me a BJ anytime, anyplace, at the drop of a hat. In her room? No problem. In the park? No problem. In the back of a half-full school bus? No problem (true story). Her mouth’s one and only task in life seemed to be to make my teenage penis happy. And who was I to deprive it of that happiness?
Call me a hopeless romantic if you will, but one of my favorite places to receive a nice, relaxing BJ from Fem-Whore was in the back of my parent’s hideous-looking car. That old shit-heap (a brown and tan mini station wagon with no hubcaps and a sagging ceiling) was a regular fellatio-mobile. Just drive it to any ol’ dark place, park it, and it would wait dutifully while I received my much-needed Nob polishing. And let me tell ya, while I was with Fem-Whore, the fellatio-mobile worked overtime.
One night Fem-Whore and I were parked in one of our posh, romantic hideaways – the public park. Good ol’ Fem-Whore was, well, doing what she did best, and I was reclined in the back seat, pondering some of life’s greatest mysteries. As things were beginning to…uh…come to a head, I heard the bubbling of a small motorcycle engine as it drove right past the fellatio-mobile.
Fem-Whore looked up like an artist from her pallet. “What was that? Maybe I should stop.”
Now, if you’ve ever known, or BEEN, a 17 year old boy, you’ll know that NOTHING is going to get in the way of him blowing his load. Hell, that car could’ve exploded into flames and I would’ve calmy instructed her to go back to her masterful skinfluting. Which is exactly what I told her to do. She looked unsure, but in the end her insatiable appetite for my cock won the day.
About 30 seconds later, I once again heard the motorcycle approaching, this time from the rear of the car. Just as it passed us, there was a huge crash. A big rock came smashing through the back window of the station wagon and flew into the front seat of the car. Fem-Whore screamed in fear and I did what any boy on the cusp of manhood would do – I cowered in fear. A minute passed, the tinkling remnants of the back window the only sound. Soon it became apparent that the motorcycle was not coming back; it had just been some asshole’s idea of a prank.
I gently stroked Fem-Whore’s hair as she sat there sobbing in fear. “Shhhh,” I reassured her lovingly,” it’s OK now, he’s gone. You can go back to giving me head now.”
Hey, what can I say? I had to try, didn’t I? Needless to say, Fem-Whore was unimpressed. It seemed that for one of the few times in our 1 year relationship, she did NOT feel like smoking the peace pipe.
So with great reluctance I limped back into the front seat and drove her home, my set of blue balls grumbling at me all the way there. To this day I’m not sure which is worse: the fact that I never got to finish receiving my blow job, or the fact that for the rest of the year I was forced to drive around in a tan early 80s station wagon that now had a makeshift cellophane back window that would puff out in the wind like the bubble of a reluctant fart as I cruised around town trying to look cool.
My friends, life is sometimes cruel.
Anyone else have some good young lust stories, or just want to comment on the sad state of Donk’s high school sexcapades?
Fizz-iz-irst!
[Comment ID #2821 Will Be Quoted Here]
Sizz-econd
My best friend lost her virginity in the backseat of my car while I was in it. The sad thing is I didn’t know it happened until it was over. Three pumps and a grunt. LOL. The other sad thing is that he was in the front seat with me five minutes earlier! LMFAO! He went back there to her because I wouldn’t put out. Oh well. I had better sex than she did that night and I didn’t even get laid.
[Comment ID #2823 Will Be Quoted Here]
That might be the hottest story I’ve ever heard.
I can tell you why the holier-than-thou girls like to smoke the pole…if there’s anything in the Bible about that particular talent…it isn’t spelled out in plain ole English like it does fornication. Seems like a lot of the goody two shoes girls have this talent…
[Comment ID #2825 Will Be Quoted Here]
But I like smoking the pole because it makes for a great christmas card.
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You know, it was pretty hot until we started fighting over him. We could have had a threesome had we not been so naive.
[Comment ID #2825 Will Be Quoted Here]
a lot of them even seem to have no problem giving up the buttocks!!!! Although I wasn’t so lucky as to experience that with Fem-whore.
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I will be emailing you my address and expect to be on your Christmas mailing list…
You know what, you are right Donk.I live right in the middle of Mormonville (aka Hell on Earth) and those little Mormon girls are some serious freaks (hence the term “Oral is Moral”)And they run around claiming to be virgins while more hot meat has passed through their lips than an Arby’s drive-thru window.I just don’t get it.
[Comment ID #2827 Will Be Quoted Here]
um yeaaahhhh, you just made it even HOTTER. Don’t stop now…
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yeah, mormon girls are LEGENDARY for being horny little BJ-givers. Just another example of religious hypocrisy I guess
You are soooooo freakin’ lucky FemWhore didn’t bite your weiner right off!!
[Comment ID #2833 Will Be Quoted Here]
Naaahhh, it’s as thick as Popeye’s forearm…no mere mortal’s mouth could penetrate it
That is a great story. I have a similar (if a bit less climactic) teenage BJ story I may tell at some point.
I agree with you on the Baptist girls and BJs. So true. I was happy to at least get that back then.
“…her gaping vaginal opening left lonely, sullen even, it’s battered petals reluctantly accepting my probing fingers as a poor substitute to the hundreds of pulsating rods of its richer times.”
Poetry.
[Comment ID #2836 Will Be Quoted Here]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. As retarded as it may sound, I think that’s one of my favorite sentences I’ve ever written. So is “I was forced to drive around in a tan early 80s station wagon that now had a makeshift cellophane back window that would puff out in the wind like the bubble of a reluctant fart as I cruised around town trying to look cool.”
I just had one of those “high school sex moments” tonight….even though I’m not in high school. hmmm…though it differs a little. the car was a hottub, and the fem-whore was a cop. go figure.
Donk, you are my hero because of two reasons:
1) You tried to get her to go back to blowing you. Men often go to great lengths, when interrupted during such an act, to get rid of the problem so the act can resume.
2) “battered petals”.
Damn pranksters.
I don’t have anything to add, except that it’s a great story. Sorry about not getting to finish. Hope you made up for it later.
[Comment ID #2839 Will Be Quoted Here]
who threw the rock in your scenario?
[Comment ID #2844 Will Be Quoted Here]
hey listen, I needed to finish damnit
[Comment ID #2849 Will Be Quoted Here]
it was you, wasn’t it?
[Comment ID #2850 Will Be Quoted Here]
I have never finished since that episode. My nuts are the size of grapefruits
I’ve never seen so many euphemisms for BJ and vagina in one page.
So did you oblige her back and lick the kitty ? Oral is moral after all .
That’s just great.
High School sex story… hmmm… does humping in the back of a car while someone esle was driving count? I still wonder if they knew what we were doing….
[Comment ID #2853 Will Be Quoted Here]
You knew by the sound of my Kawasaki?
kaaaa-waaaaaaaaa-saaaa-keeeeeeeeee
Did you ever find out who threw the rock? And what did you tell your parents?
lol
That’s why I never go to church. I like being a fem-whore and a slut. And if Jesus was in your “position” what would he do? Same damn thing.
Amazing! Hysterical, and not so innocent! She may not have been able to bite it off…as you stated, But any bite from shock wouldn’t have been too pleasant! Do you think her satanic ex/baby’s daddy(?) boyfriend owned a motorcycle?
Its quite possible that the rock being thrown into the window made you ride even COOLER!
At least you had high school sexcapades.
About 10 years ago I dated a woman who was 42 and I was 24. One of my fondest memories was of her blowing me at a state park,mid-day,summertime,while sitting on a tree stump next to the parking lot.It was an enthusiastic blowjob too-the kind involving licking,hand actions,and moaning too. dammmnnn…that woman loved to suck cock! As she was gobbling my goo in the warm outdoor air,I couldn’t help but hope someone would catch us.this added to the excitement. we were not caught,but I’ll never forget the boldness of that woman and that incredible BJ.
I have NO IDEA why the previous post had someone else’s avatar-where is my avatar at?????? Shitttt.
That’s why God doesn’t want you having sex before marriage, you ‘tard! It was God who threw that rock. Yes, God rides a motorcycle and he hates guys getting head.
End of story.
Actually, all of your high school stories make me wistful for “Somewhere in Time” by Maiden and my pouty high school girlfriend who hated/loved me.
When I was in high school, I must have been 15, I took a class at a local community college to try and get ahead. The professor was one of those crazy old guys who tried his damndest to be hip and cool. He wore banana republic-y type clothes and he said fuck and shit all the time in his lectures. Sometimes he’d bring his dog to class. One of those professors that everyone says hi to when he was walking down a hallway. Now, this was the first “college” (if you think community college counts) class I had ever taken and I was hellbent on doing well. I would come to class early every day and I’d never ditch. I paid attention intently and took detailed notes and asked a million questions during the lecture. One day after class he asked me to come to his office because he had some comments about a paper I wrote. I was very nervous because I was sure he was going to tell me my paper was really shitty and that I didn’t belong in college. He actually just wanted to fuck me. What a relief, right? That pervy, old disgusting man wanted to fuck me. First when we got into the office, he sat next to me instead of across from me in back of his desk which I thought was weird. Then while he was talking to me he started stroking my hair and playing with it. It was a really bright, yellow blonde back then. I remember being really stiff and wondering if college professors were all that casual and friendly in a tactile way. Then he tried to kiss me and I turned my head away and got really scared but I didn’t get up because I didn’t know what to do. Then he put his left hand on my left boob and I burst out crying and stood up. Naturally he started apologizing profusely. I ran out of his office and I never went back to class. Needless to say, I got an A though.
[...] (Also Donkey Sosa wrote just a damn funny blog last night: Of Blow jobs and Broken Windows [...]
[Comment ID #2855 Will Be Quoted Here]
mission accomplished
[Comment ID #2857 Will Be Quoted Here]
abso-frickin-lutely.
[Comment ID #2858 Will Be Quoted Here]
SOOOOO hot. If I know anything about highschool sex, it didn’t last long enough for them to notice
[Comment ID #2863 Will Be Quoted Here]
Nope, never did. Must have just been some random asshole.
I just told them I came outside to drive home and found it that way
[Comment ID #2866 Will Be Quoted Here]
guaratee Jesus would have finished…in her mouth
[Comment ID #2869 Will Be Quoted Here]
HOLY SHIT!!! I never even thought of that! Maybe it WAS him. or maybe he summoned some lesser demon from hell to do his bidding?
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Yeah well, if it’s any consolation, I don’t have any anymore and haven’t for years
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What an absolutely heartwarming tale. Reminds me of the time I got blown on top of a mountain after a hike. good times
[Comment ID #2886 Will Be Quoted Here]
“Lost somewhere in tiiiiime, Lost Somewhere in Tiiiiieeeyaahhahhhahhhme”
did I mention i had a full-on mullet at the time?
[Comment ID #2887 Will Be Quoted Here]
Jesus Christ, what a scary story. God men are such fuckin sickos. It must really suck to be a chick. On the brightside, you must be pretty hot at least!
I had an on and off relationship with my first BF for about 4 years. I offered to give it up when I was 17, but he was holding out. When we went out together, I was sure to carry a condom, just in case. But a couple of times he found them in my pocket and got mad.
On my 18th b-day, my friend had a low-key party for me, which actually consisted of three of us hanging around in her bedroom drinking. I called the BF and he decided to cruise over.
After several beers, he and I were groping on one of the beds and slobbering all over each other. In the other bed was my friend and the other person, a cute younger guy we kind of passed around when we needed a date for a dance.
The lights were out and only the glow from the stereo provided any illumination. BF and I were both toasted and oblivious to the couple in the bed 4 feet away from us.
During his groping, he started checking my pockets, finally demanding to know where the hell the condom was. I didn’t have one because I hadn’t planned on seeing him.
Needless to say, teenage lust won out over common sense and we did it anyway. I bled all over the blankets on my friend’s bed. How freaking embarrassing!
And while I thought my friend and her partner were engrossed in their own activities, they were actually lying still listening to us and trying not to giggle. Two virgins drunk off their asses trying to make this memorable. What a joke!
A friend of mine worked at a summer camp one year and hooked up with one of the instructors there. He asked her what year she was, and she told him a junior. She failed to mention she was a junior in HS.
So, they had their fling, screwed each other’s brains out whenever they could and then parted company with no regrets.
When school started in the fall, she walked into one of her science classes and noticed a familiar face at the front of the class. Yep, it was her summer fuck buddy. He turned white and looked like he was going to pass out.
After class, he pulled her into his office, babbling about how he had no idea she was in HS, that they should have never had sex and if she said anything he would lose his job.
She just smiled and said she had no intention of saying anything, but she had a feeling she would be doing very well in the class. She never cracked a book, but she got an A.