2006 October | Pointless Banter

Archive for October, 2006

Spousal Abuse : A How To Guide

Published by Kevin on October 31, 2006 in My Wisdom. 4 Comments

Spousal abuse is something very serious, today (Halloween) is one of the biggest days for spousal abuse (source: Nipsy Russell).

nipsy russell

I think spousal abuse aka domestic battery aka “keepin’ yo bitch in line” is one of the most cowardly acts a man can do. With that being said if you are going to do something, you might as well do it right, so here are some quick and easy tips to make sure that you do.

1) Own a house or rent an apartment with stairs- If you don’t have stairs the typical, “I tripped over the dog and fell down the stairs” excuse won’t work which will force you to be creative. If you are kicking the crap out of your wife you probably aren’t that creative so we need to make it easy on you. I real man would come up with more creative ways to torture their loved one like sticking it in their ass when they aren’t expecting it or complex psychological abuse.

entry stairs

2) Don’t wear rings- Rings potentially can leave identifiable marks that can really screw you over in a court of law. So all you NFL players out there remember to take off those pesky Super Bowl rings!

3) Have some fun with it- What is the point of hitting your domestic partner without being able to have some fun with it? Play some games and share your results with your friends, here is one called “Will she piss herself”. When your dinner is cold just pick up the plate and chuck it into the wall. Start to scream and wait to see if she pisses herself, if she does you win! Of course you should let her know that you are just screwing with her. But remind her to clean that mess up or there will be consequences and repercussions.

So there you go some simple and easy tips for you on this Halloween, does anyone have any that I should add?

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Published by Kevin on October 29, 2006 in Food. 87 Comments

I saw this on yahoo news this morning….

Because we don’t already have enough fried foods..

Fri Oct 27, 8:34 AM ET

A new fast food is making its debut at U.S. fairs this fall — fried Coke.

fried coke

Abel Gonzales, 36, a computer analyst from Dallas, tried about 15 different varieties before coming up with his perfect recipe — a batter mix made with Coca-Cola syrup, a drizzle of strawberry syrup, and some strawberries.

Balls of the batter are then deep-fried, ending up like ping-pong ball sized doughnuts which are then served in a cup, topped with Coca-Cola syrup, whipped cream, cinnamon sugar and a cherry on the top.

“It tastes great,” said Sue Gooding, a spokeswoman for the State Fair of Texas where Gonzales’ fried Coke made its debut this fall. “It was a huge success.”

Gonzales ran two stands at the State Fair of Texas and sold up to 35,000 fried Cokes over 24 days for $4.50 each — and won a prize for coming up with “most creative” new fair food.

Now other fairs in North Carolina and Arizona are following the trend, and other people are trying to emulate Gonzales’ recipe.

Gonzales gave no indication of the calories in his creation and said he would not patent it.

“The best I can hope for is that it’s the original and hopefully the best fried Coke out there,” he said.

But Gonzales said the success of his fried Coke had inspired him. Next year’s fair-goers can look forward to fried Sprite or — for those watching their weight — fried diet Coke.

“We are trying to cut a lot of the sugar out of it. It has less calories but it’s still very, very sweet,” he said.

Ray Crockett, a spokesman for Coca-Cola Co., said: “We’re constantly amazed at the creative ways folks find to enjoy their Coke and make it part of celebrations like fairs and festivals. This is one is definitely different!”
_____________________________________________________

I have expressed my love for the deep fryer before in this entry: Derek Jeter and the Winter of the Deep Fryer.

But things have officially gone to far. First the deep fried Twinkie and now this? I sat here for close to twenty minutes trying to think of things that would be as unhealthy or even worse than this.

All I could come up with is:

Deep fried cotton candy- If you can deep fry a liquid you can deep fry sugar and air.
Deep fried big macs- I wonder if the lettuce will retain it’s consistency?
Deep fried eight balls- Someone has to look out for the drug addicted out there, why not be fat and an addict?
Deep fried Hufu- What is better than deep fried tofu that resembles human flesh? Hufu for “cannibals who want to quit”. This would go over huge in fairs in the South Pacific

Can you guys think of anything worse to deep fry?

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The wheels go around and around but sometimes they fall off

Published by Kevin on October 27, 2006 in My Life. 71 Comments

Yesterday I gave a little introduction to this piece in talking about my favorite car ever, Big Amanda.

Big Amanda went through many experiences with me. We were almost destroyed by a snow plow, we caused a man to run a red light to get away from us after we gave him the finger when he cut us off, and Big Amanda was present for the worst group date in the history of mankind.

In the winter of 1995 I was hanging out with a girl from another school named BH (I would list her name but I googled it and she was the first person that came up, I could just change it but I am way too lazy at this point of the evening). BH was attractive, intelligent, blond, athletic, well off, classy, and totally out of my league. I still would run into her from time to time up until I moved out here and I would think, “what the fuck was she thinking?”

Anyways, we lived about ten minutes away from each other in small towns south of Rochester, NY. In the dead of winter during a horrible snow storm we decided to get together and drive up to Rochester to hang out and do something. What this something was escapes me in my old age but I am sure it was one of the following:

1) Go up to the ghetto and score some rock
2) Get a hotel room and have a massive orgy
3) Drive around pretending we have someplace to go but because we were high school kids we would probably end up at Denny’s ordering something really cheap off of the menu

crack

BH told me that she had two friends that she was hanging out with and that I should round up a couple of my buddies. I called Mark and Marty (remember Marty is the guy that screwed the retarded girl, if you need to get caught up on that story you can read it here) and said that BH had two friends and wanted to hang out, they knew the quality of BH so I figured they wouldn’t say no. Both of my friends were down for it so we headed over to BH’s friends house to pick them up. All of this is so pure and innocent to this point, it all changed as soon as we pulled up.

While I am an asshole, Marty is a supreme asshole, he always was a supreme asshole and because he is such an asshole our friendship is null and void at this point in my life. Back then I just ignored the level of asshole that he was, he wasn’t just an asshole he was a RACIST asshole. When we pulled up to BH’s friends house we noticed that one of her friends was Asian. Marty immediately started saying things like, “Oh great I get stuck with the shovel head.” This was not a good sign because Marty likes to carry things to far, you know like screwing a retarded girl. So when they got into the car he talked about shoveling his driveway for ten minutes, each time he mentioned the word shovel he over emphasized it. The thing is I couldn’t call him out for it without making everything even more uncomfortable than it was so the night had started out shitty.

None of us were supposed to be going up to Rochester this evening because there was a massive snowstorm hitting the area. Since we were cool and utterly stupid we all decided to ignore our parents and go up there anyways. Things were going well after the rocky start, we all were talking about what we could be doing and other important topics such as gossip about the bitchiest girls at BH’s school. The night was going well and the idea that maybe I would get to feel some tit over the shirt began to dance in my head, when all of a sudden my car began to wobble a bit.

My back left tire shot off the car and rolled through traffic as sparks shot from the back. I managed to pull the car over safely as Mark said, “Your tire… it just… fell…. off.”

tire
A police officer pulled over and called a tow truck for us. As we sat there and waited we just figured that the tow truck driver might be able to attach the wheel back on and we would be on our merry way, ah the ignorance of youth. When he pulled up and looked at the car he informed us that, “You guys are totally, utterly, and completely screwed.” He towed the car to his station and dropped us off at the bowling alley down the street, which was in the heart of the ghetto.

Out of the 100 people in there 15 were white and of those 15 we were 5 of them. BH and her friends being from the richest school district in the county where we lived were probably were seeing African Americans for the first time (ok that is a bit of an exaggeration but none of us went to racially diverse school districts). We sat in the bowling alley and debated who would call their parents to come pick them up. Since none of us were supposed to be up in Rochester nobody was exactly stepping forward.

Then a guys pager goes off and BH pulls a Julie from the original season of the Real World and asks, “Do you think he is a drug dealer?” This was loud enough for everyone around us to hear it, you could cut the tension in the room with a knife at this point. I was sitting there thinking that I was about to get the shit kicked out of me because princess over here had never seen a black person. (See living in California for two years did pay off. I got to see people with different skin colors, oh and the LA Riots.)

la riots

The debate continued about how we were going to get home. One idea was to have Mark’s sister drive us but she had a smaller car and when called said, “I’ll take you home but not those stuck up bitches.” So this left us with a choice to make we could get the ride home and get the hell out of the bowling alley, in the ghetto, at 1 am or we could say no and hold out for a way to get everyone home. Mark told his sister he would give her a call back so we could figure this out. Our debate lasted all about five seconds when one of the girls said, “We shouldn’t have to call our parents at all because we shouldn’t be the ones getting in trouble. It’s all the boys’ faults.”

Mark was on the phone shortly thereafter and one of the girls had to call their parents. I had survived a date with Ava Braun, lost my car, and was about to be grounded for a month…. and no over the shirt titty feel. It was the worst group date ever.

What was your worst date ever?

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Published by Kevin on October 26, 2006 in My Life. 2 Comments

The second car I ever owned was a 1980 Monte Carlo. My first car, a crappy ass Cavalier that I had purchased for $750 had a major oil leak and me being the dumb high schooler I was decided to see how important oil really was in the up keep of an automobile. (Just for future reference it is rather important.) After an engine seizure and a lecture on how stupid I was it was time to move on.

I needed a car to still get around so my dad landed me a 1980 Monte Carlo that was pretty close to the end of it’s life. (I think he traded some beads for it maybe a shiny rock.)

monte carlo

(Note: it was nowhere near the condition of this one… the shitty blue color was the same)

This car was the single greatest car I have ever owned. Here are the reasons why:

1) The Nickname- My friend Jerry was dating a girl named Amanda at the time. Since she had a fat ass and my car had a fat ass, the name was an easy fit. We called my car big Amanda… Of course I think we ended up causing Jerry’s girlfriend to start an eating disorder but that is not important.

2) Three wheel motion- Back when I was in high school Dr. Dre and Snoop had just hit the scene. Living in the middle of nowhere in Western NY we didn’t have people rolling in cars hitting the three wheel motion. The shocks were so bad on my car it rode and looked like it had hydraulics. So when all my friends and I would ride to our summer league baseball games we felt all gangster, to quote the Outsiders we were “tuff”.

3) The decor- The lining on the ceiling of the car was always falling down. To combat that my friends and I poked holes in the lining and when we were finished chewing a piece of gum we would stick it in the hole and punch the ceiling. If that isn’t classy and creative I don’t know what it.

4) The stories- Big Amanda was the catalyst in what was possibly the worst high school group outing ever. Which is the story I will tell tomorrow the title: “Sometimes the wheels go round and round and sometimes they fall off”

What was the worst car you ever owned? Or what was your favorite nickname of a car?

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When ornaments go horribly wrong

Published by Kevin on October 25, 2006 in Current Affairs. 0 Comments

Tarah sent me this yesterday and well… read it first and I will give you my reaction.

From the New York Post —

A new Yankee Christmas ornament sanctioned by Major League Baseball and bearing the team’s official logo features a beaming Santa waving - as he pilots a plane.

“My reaction at first was, ‘I don’t believe it,’ ” said Midtown lawyer Denis Guerin, who yesterday received glossy literature touting the “Yankees Victory Plane” - “a limited-edition annual holiday treasure” - in the mail.

Guerin shuddered as he recalled the horrific events that unfolded Oct. 11, when Yankee pitcher Cory Lidle was killed after crashing his small plane into an Upper East Side high-rise.

Guerin said he and his wife were “shocked and dismayed” again when they opened the mailing featuring the Yankee Santa in a plane. He said the plane appears to be “going into a Christmas tree.”

According to the advertisement, “The 2006 Annual Yankees Ornament makes the ideal gift for every New York fan on your Christmas list.”

“Your team spirit will soar” with the plane on your tree, it says.

“We looked at it with our mouths open and said, ‘How could this have happened?’ It’s very insensitive,” Guerin said.

“I don’t think it was intentional,” the season-ticket holder added. “It’s just a terrible mistake and terrible coincidence.”

MLB honchos agreed.

“All I would say is, the timing’s unfortunate,” said spokesman Rich Levin. “I’m sure this was done well before the Cory Lidle incident.”

Yankees officials refused comment.

“I’m not going to comment on it at all because it has nothing to do with us, it didn’t originate with us,” a spokesman said.

Officials of Danbury Mint in Norwalk, Conn. - the company peddling the $19.95 “fine porcelain” ornament under a licensing agreement with MLB - did not immediately return calls seeking comment.

A woman answering the phone in its sales department said the ornaments “are developed over three or four years.

“This actually was developed probably over a year ago,” she said.

Still, Guerin and an expert on collectibles questioned how the ornament could have even been allowed to be marketed since Lidle’s death.

“It’s just awful,” said Pete Siegel, owner of Gotta Have It Collectibles in Midtown.

He said the experience should be a lesson to organizations such as the Yankees that use licensing agreements.

Siegel said he expects Yankee fans to balk at buying the ornament.

“It’s almost sacrilegious about the incident,” he said.

Guerin said he couldn’t imagine anyone buying it, either.

“You’re going to have a Yankee plane on your Christmas tree?” he said. “Who’s sanctioning this stuff?”
______________________________________________

Must have been a slow news day. Guerin is almost acting like this company rushed out in the last two weeks to produce this. It is just a messed up coincidence. I went to their website to find the ornament but it wasn’t on there. But uh, just a tip guys, if people are pissed off about this you may want to consider removing the Yankees toy plane:

plane

I am not even making that up, check the url of the picture. Sometimes comedy is really that easy folks.

In reality though I have seen some pretty bad holiday decorations in my day.

1) Baby Jesus coming out of the birth canal

babyjesus

It was back in 1985 when they had the “who can show baby jesus at his youngest” ornament arms race. Hallmark went so far as to have his head poking out of the birth canal. I thought that was in rather poor taste.2) The Hitler held menorah

When Hitler was a rising star in international politics before the start of World War 2 a small Swiss company put out a line of menorah’s held by various world leaders. This was considered a gross miscalculation. George Allen, David Duke, and Mel Gibson are rumored to own the remaining three.

3) The Dahmer hand carved collection

dahmer

Back in the late eighties and early nineties Dahmer put out a hand carved “ivory” collection of Christmas ornaments. He sold them at flea markets throughout the year. He had to get rid of the bones somehow.

4. The “Kevin is a Sexy Bitch” holiday pajama set

I don’t think this needs explanation.

Have you guys found any horrible holiday items?

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The anal beads story

Published by Kevin on October 23, 2006 in My Life. 4 Comments

This is a story that happened to a friend of a friend. I know the friend of the friend and I don’t consider him the most truthful person ever so I always took this story with a grain of salt, in fact I always considered this story an urban legend or something. As always the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

WARNING: This story is slightly disgusting and sexual in its nature.

My friend Jason came over to my apartment before we were all headed out to go drinking. Jason was really animated about something that had happened and he obviously was really excited to tell us his story. He sat down in our living room and told us the tale of his friend Ben’s recent trip to Buffalo.

Ben had been in the military for a few years, he was home on leave and wanted to drink pretty much every night. We all kept up with him but eventually broke down and had to stop hanging out with him for the good of our livers. Desperate to go out Ben headed an hour and a half away to the University of Buffalo to meet up with some high schools friends at a party. When he arrived at the party he had beaten his friends there and decided to just wait for them so he started drinking.

After consuming some drinks Ben had socialized and had gotten comfortable at the party. It became evident to him that he was getting ditched so he decided to keep drinking and find a girl to hook up with so he had a place to stay.

For the most part Ben did ok with women but a drunk Ben was slightly annoying and on this night drunk Ben was annoying at a party with people he really didn’t know. He was getting shot down left and right, in fact he attempted to call Jason to come to Buffalo and get him. (Jason thought Ben was calling to go out so he ignored the call.) Ben sat around for a bit more when he noticed a girl at the party.

This was back in the late nineties, I guess she would be labeled almost a goth type girl. She had gages in her ears and defiantly stuck out like a sore thumb at a party in Buffalo.

goth girl

Ben decided to start talking to her and they hit it off. She was in an altered condition and was pretty receptive to Ben’s advances. He explained his situation and she invited him back to her apartment, of course Ben accepted and went home with her. When they got back to her place they started making out right away, clothes began to peel off, and they took the action into the bedroom. Our goth chick decided to uh… go down and visit his bits and pieces. All of a sudden she stopped and said she would be right back.

A drunken Ben laid in her bed waiting for her to return, realizing that he was way drunker than he though… Return she did with a strand of anal beads fresh from her freezer.

With a little cajoling and returning to gobbling his knob Ben relented and she placed the beads in his Hershey highway.

Quick riddle…

carson karnack

Q: Ben’s balls, goth girls chin

A: What’s hanging and where they’re banging.

(Sorry back to the story)

As they went on she slowly began to remove the strand until Ben reached climax and then she ripped them out quickly…. And Ben shot… Out of uh… both ends… When he came he shit himself and pretty much half of the bed… It was like Spud in Trainspotting.

spud

Well Goth girl wasn’t very happy because not only was her bed covered in feces but she had some splash back on her face. She grabbed Ben’s clothing and tossed it out onto the porch, which isn’t very comfortable in Buffalo in the dead of winter. Ben ended up calling Jason and begging him (and paying him $50) to come and pick him up.

A week later Jason was at our telling us the story.

So was this just another shitty story or was it urban legend?

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