Lessons that I have learned and want to pass on
(Tomorrow we will construct our letter to my new convict love interest. Until then I have decided to share some of the advice that I have received over my lifetime. Here are some quotes that will stick in my head forever and how correct they actually are.)
On work and careers
The KH theory of work
“You but your ass for the first three months on a job, rarely socializing or seen slacking off. After that they think you are such a great worker that they ignore it if you slack off for up to two years.”
Validity of the quote: 100 percent correct. This has worked everywhere I worked except for when I was a Chippendale’s Dancer.
The MC flying under the radar rule
“See the key with any job or activity is to always make yourself look busy. Perception is reality.”
Validity of the quote: Totally true. Always have something at your desk that looks important and read it when someone higher up than you walks by.
My friend Eric
“Never dip your pen in the company ink.”
Validity of the quote: 100 percent correct. What is even worse is having a threesome with two girls you work with at a the company Christmas party.
On fashion and personal hygiene and general life
KR on sleeveless shirts
“Only douche bags wear t-shirts without sleeves.”
Validity of quote: Pretty much true. Do you know any guy that wears a sleeveless shirt that isn’t a douche?
An ex-girlfriend on pubic hair grooming (after seeing shaved balls)
“If I wanted to fuck a 12 year old I would nail my cousin. Guys shouldn’t shave their balls.”
Validity of quote: That is still up in the air.
Spilly the bartender
“Softball players don’t drink woodchuck.”
Validity of the quote: If you don’t want to look like a chick you drink pitcher of beer with the boys. This is totally true… Hey I was 18 and liked the cider.
On relationships, sex, and dating.
The DH Theory on Women
“All women are whores, liars, or psychos.”
Validity of the quote: Uh… how many of my readers are women? Yeah I am not touching that one.
The KP Theory on Blowjobs
“Fat girls give the best head. Because they do it like they are never going to see the dick again.”
Validity of the quote: The first part I think is correct.
My Uncle on Marriage
“Never get married, it will just lead to years of misery.”
Validity of the quote: I haven’t been married yet but judging by my friends it doesn’t seem like that good of a time.
Adam Allerton on date rape
“You can’t rape the willing.”
Validity of the quote: Well considering he was in 8th grade and telling a girl in 6th grade that. I just kept my 7th grade mouth shut and sat there in the bleachers. I think he felt her boobs.
The KH theory on Asian Girls
“Once they fuck a normal guy they will never go back to rice dick.”
Validity of the quote: I have yet to sleep with an Asian girl so I have never had the pleasure of turning one to the other side.
Life in General
On letting someone know their zipper is down
“Never tell someone in front of a large group that their zipper is down. It is best to pull them aside.”
Validity of the quote:
In seventh grade I had to take chorus in school. We were sitting there in chorus one day and one of the eighth graders Peter was dying laughing because the chorus teacher had her zipper down. Mrs. Lefebre was a probably close to retirement, she had the old lady flap arms, and wore polyester clothing from the sixties. She was also one of the least liked teachers in school because she was constantly yelling at us.
So word was kind of getting past around as more and more people noticed that her fly was down. Nobody was saying anything to her until I finally decided to raise my hand.
Mrs. Lefebre: WHAT KEVIN?
Kevin: (sheepishly) Uh… Mrs. Lefebre (I point to her crotch)
Mrs. Lefebre: WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?
Kevin: Uh your barn door is open?
Mrs. Lefebre: What? WHAT!
(she looks down and quickly covers her crotch with sheet music and runs into her office….)
which brings me to my final lesson
“Never yell and someone until you know what they are trying to tell you.”
I think this was a good example.
What lessons have you learned in life?
