“I’m Amurcan” and Other Observations from My Trip to Pennsylvania

As you know, Donk went to rural Pennsylvania this weekend for a friend’s wedding. It was a great time, and I picked up a few humorous tidbits and a couple of longer stories while I was out there. Today, let’s talk about the tidbits:

1. My friend’s dad comes from hardcore redneck stock from generations back. This guy can tell story after hilarious story in his deep southern drawl, and has a million one-liners, so many that I still to this day seem to hear new ones everytime I see him. We refer to him affectionately as “Abs.”

Anyway, as we were all getting fitted for our tuxes, the middle-aged, proper East Coast woman that was assisting us noticed his accent and asked innocently, “That’s a very interesting accent you have there. Where are you from?” Abs looked at the woman as if she might be a little retarded, and, scrunching up his face, deadpanned the following: “Where do you think i’m from? I’M AMURCAN.” Needless to say, this brilliant nugget became the catchphrase of the entire trip. A couple of other Ab-isms from the trip:

- When asked how his dinner was: “Well, I reckon It’ll make a turd.”

- When threatening one of my friends with bodily harm: “Boy, I’ll pound you so flat you’ll have to pull your socks down ta take a shit.”

2. One of the friend’s of the bride was this really thin guy. He was really nice, but he had the most annoying nervous laugh of all time. It was so loud, and so obnoxious: just cringeworthy.

One morning at the hotel, Donk had just come down to breakfast and was still out of it. I stumbled over to the coffee bar and started to fill a cup with the sweet aromatic nectar, when from behind me I heard two of my friend’s talking. One of them suddenly started into a sarcastic, annoying laugh, which is sort of a schtick that my friends and I always do for some odd reason. Without turning around, my head still groggy with sleep, I began to mimic the laugh, as we’ve all been doing with eachother for years.

Imagine Donkey’s horror when he turned around to find the bride’s friend standing there, staring at me as if I’d just punched him in the solar plexus! Too stunned to say anything, I shamefacedly walked away. I’d made an ass of myself yet again.