(Note: My e-mail on myspace is totally messed up right now. So if you have sent me a message in the last week I thought I replied but apparently it hasn’t been going through. If you check your mail through mail.myspace.com it shows up but from your homepage it doesn’t. I don’t get it either. Myspace is “looking” at it so by 2010 my mail should be functional.)
I decided to round out the week with my final hooker story. To me it just seemed right. It’s like Shark Week on the Discovery Channel only with Hookers. So if you are tuning in late and want to get caught up with Hooker week here were the previous entries: (actually it should technically be Hooker Week Guest Starring Patton Oswalt but why give him the credit it would be the biggest thing he has been on in years)
Let’s round out hooker week but before we move on you have to understand two things about me:
1) I am kind of a rube- I grew up in Western, NY in the middle of nowhere. Before I reached college I never lived in a city really so I never saw any drugs harder than weed, any type of violent crime really, and was totally naive to the world around me.
2) The littlest things excite me- Popping a large zit can be considered entertainment for me sometimes. It doesn’t take that much to entertain me.
3) I like big butts and I cannot lie- Sorry I had Sir Mix A Lot in my head.
With those three things being said let’s move onto a story that isn’t nearly as good as yesterday’s.
I was in Vegas a year ago with my family which is kind of a family tradition where a bunch of us make a yearly trip. We were set to go golfing early in the morning on our second day there. I was running behind in meeting up with my uncles and stepfather in the parking lot so we could leave. As I was walking through the Casino I heard a voice.
Hooker: Hey cutie in the blue.
I kept walking not thinking she was talking to the guy dressed for golf. Then I heard the voice again directly behind me.
Hooker: Hey cutie where are you going?
I turned around to see someone that looked approximately like this but anorexic.
Me: Are you talking to me?
Hooker: You are wearing a blue shirt aren’t you.
Me: Oh yeah.
Hooker: Where are you going all dressed up?
Me: I’m going golfing.
Hooker: It’s like 4 am.
(We start to walk together.)
Me: It’s really more like 7 am.
Hooker: Oh I really. I have been partying all night I didn’t realize it was morning already.
Me: Yeah it’s the whole no windows in the Casino thing I guess.
(At this point she starts reaching into my pocket. I don’t know if she was trying to steal my cell phone or trying to fondle my love rod. I would like to lean towards the love rod theory because it makes me feel more like a man but the little logical dude inside of me is telling me otherwise. Let’s lean towards the love rod just to fill my empty soul.)
Her: Are you sure you don’t want to go back to your room and party?
Me: Sounds fun but I kind of have people waiting on me to play golf.
Her: Well I will let you play my back nine. Let’s go to your room to discuss it.
Me: I really can’t…
Her: Aw cutie you are breaking my heart. Well look for me around here I might be around when you get back.
(She removed her hand from my pocket and headed off. I was beaming with the fact that I had my first run in with an American Whore!)
I get outside to see my uncles and step father out there.
Me: I totally just got hit on my a hooker!
Uncle 1: You mean the girl with the brown hair?
Uncle 2: Yeah we ran into her.
(Nothing else was said as we pulled away to go golfing. I called one of my friends back east to tell him about the story, he shared in my excitement. Rest of the ride over my family and I talked about the new developments going up but there is something that has bugged me forever that I am afraid to ask.)
WHAT THE HELL DID THE HOOKER OFFER TO MY UNCLES?
I guess it is something I will never know the answer to.
Have a good weekend everyone.