THE Hooker Story

I went to Germany about five years back to visit my friend Joe (name has been changed to protect the innocent) who was studying a year overseas. While many stories have come out of this trip the most memorable might be the hooker story. (Actually it would be in contention with my drunken first night there where I ended up in Berlin with a drunk Scot who passed out and I had to figure out how to get back to Potsdam without being able to speak a lick of German.)

We went to Prague a few weeks after I arrived in Germany to see Pearl Jam in concert and visit one of the most beautiful cities in the world. I was really excited to go to Prague because of its rich historical content. What I didn’t realize is that Prague is like Las Vegas on steroids. They had Casinos run by the Russian Mafia, “strip clubs”, and booze all over the place… it was my kind of town. One thing they also had were people handing out fliers for strip clubs and other things out in the streets all the time. I of course would take the fliers because unlike Vegas the women were actually nude on them. (It was for my scrap book, honestly.)

While I was in Europe the European Championship for Soccer was going on, which was one of the highlights of my trip, watching matches in pubs and other places with the fans was pretty interesting. I thought watching NFL games in sports bars was fun, this topped it one hundred times over. One of the nights we were in Prague we decided to watch some of the games at a small pub and get shit faced. It was pretty much mission accomplished on both fronts, we left the bar and decided to head out on the town and see what was going on.

As we were walking through the streets we were approached by one of the flier people. They handed us the flier and heard that Joe and I were speaking in English. The Czech began to speak in broken English telling us how beautiful the women were and that we should go. It sounded like a good idea, we headed down the street towards the club. Upon entering the Atlas Club we were greeted by the bouncer where we paid NO cover charge. In all the years of my life I had never walked into a strip club without paying a cover charge unless I knew the bouncer. I found this a bit odd but Joe and I just shrugged it off figuring that the drinks would be expensive (note: expense for Prague would be like two dollars a drink US.)

The club was packed with some of the best looking women I have ever seen, Joe and I were in shock.

The bar was in the front and then there was a separate room for the stage. We bellied up to the bar and ordered two beers which ended up being free. Joe and I looked at each other for a second questioning how this place makes money if there is no door charge and beer is free? We didn’t debate the subject for too long and headed into the second room which was full of customers. Surprisingly the customers were all Japanese businessmen.

Joe and I found an open table finally and sat down so we could take in the show. A girl went up on a super small stage and swayed back and forth to some crappy European Techo. She was up there for one song and didn’t remove any of her clothes at all. As soon as her song finished she walked out in the crowd and joined some Japanese businessmen at a table. We were joking that this was the worst strip club ever. I figured that maybe she had a lap danced arraigned with one of them or something, maybe that is why she didn’t do more than one song. Another girl went up and the same thing happened, also while they were on stage nobody was going up and tipping them. All the clues were there and none of it was sinking in.

Finally a girl came over and sat to the right of me, Joe was to my left. The girl started talking to me and got very excited when she found out I was American. She spoke English rather well and laughed at my jokes about the amount of Japanese Businessmen that were in the room. After a little bit of small talk she cut to the chase and asked me if I wanted to go the back room:

Her: Do you want to go to the back room?
Me: Oh for like a lap dance?
Her: No to sex.
Me:…..

At this point I did the calculations in my drunk ass mind:

-No cover charge
-Free booze
-Girl goes on small stage not to dance but to show herself off
-Lot’s of Japanese Businessmen

WE WERE IN A BROTHEL!!!!!!

I was pretty excited by this fact because I had never been in one before. In fact I have never met or even seen a hooker up until that point in my life. I felt this was rather ground breaking. I tapped Joe on the shoulder.

Me: Uh… dude she just asked me to go in the back room.
Joe: For what a lapper?
Me: Nope, she wants to fuck. We are in a brothel.

Joe looks around the room and he has that look on his face that everything is finally added up.

Joe: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. So are you going to?
Me: Uh, no. This is Eastern Europe I don’t want my dick to fall off. Are you going to?
Joe: Uh, no I have a girlfriend. But ask her how much? I just kind of want to know.
Me: Yeah I do to.

I asked the girl what would be the price and she told me the amount in Koruna which when converted would be slightly less that $40 American.

I knew from that point forward that if I ever got married that my bachelor party was going to be in Prague.

So here are the lessons that we all should learn from this:

-Eastern European girls are hot
-If something is too good to be true it probably is.
-If Japanese Businessmen are prominently involved it must be perverse.
-For $120 bucks I could have had the best night ever.