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The return of Seventeen Magazine’s Questions Answered

By: Bobby Finstock on 09/11/06 @ 6:28 am

(I haven’t done a Seventeen Magazine’s questions answered in awhile. So I decided to whip it out today, well not whip IT out, I mean the gimmick. As always these are real questions taken from seventeen.com, I just help these girls out with the correct guidance.)

Q: I’m 18 years old and I have been having a pretty serious fling with
this guy. He’s very nice and respectful, but the problem is that he is
my father’s friend through work. He’s only 25 years old, but that is
still a pretty big age gap. I’m also afraid that my dad will find out
and be mad at me, or even worse, at the guy. What do you think I should
do? If you suggest I break things off, how should I do it?
–Hannalore, 18, Boise, ID

A: There are so many issues here that I don’t know where to start. First of all you are 18 and writing into Seventeen which leads me to believe you are still in high school. If you were in college you would have moved onto Cosmo and you would be thinking that you were the next Carrie Bradshaw drinking your appletini, banging any guy thus making the age question mute. So the fact that you are still in high school makes dating a 25 year old guy creepy.

Since you live in Idaho I am going to assume your father owns a gun of some kind. You may want to consider this before telling him you are dating his younger co-worker. You have to look at it this way, your dad works hard to put a roof over your head, food on your table, and clothes on your back. The last thing he wants to do is go to work everyday to provide for his family and look at the guy that is plugging his daughter on the weekend. In fact I would imagine your dad would have anger building up inside him daily finally ending in tragedy when he guns down everyone in the office screaming, “You want to fuck my baby? How about you? How about you?”

If you want that on your shoulders continue to date this man, otherwise you probably should consider dating somebody else that isn’t currently employed with your father.

I’m only 13 years old, but I’m naturally skinny–very skinny. People
always comment about it, and it really bugs me. Sometimes at school,
kids who I don’t even know will just grab my arm to see how skinny it
is! Some people may not realize this, but talking about how skinny
someone is can be just as hurtful as talking about how overweight
someone is. How do I handle this?
–Haley, 13, Greenville, NC

A: There is an easy solution to this. Find the fattest girl in your school and hang out with her. This will help you out for a number of reasons.

nicole richie

1) If she has a poor diet you could have the opportunity to put on a few pounds by copying in.
2) People will tend to make fun of the fat person first. So she would be like a buffer against thin jokes. Other girls aren’t going to want to make fun of you if they have an easier target.
3) You will look that much more attractive. Thin is in babe, standing next to the big girl will only make you that much more attractive.

If none of this works just start sleeping with all the boys in your school. That way you can be known as the slut so the thin jokes should roll right off of your back. Wait you are 13? That might not be the best advice. Just blow a lot of boys. I wouldn’t want you to grow up too fast.

Q: I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. We’ve only been
going out for a few months now, but even so, I get jealous really
easily. I don’t care if he talks to other girls, but for some reason I
can’t get ideas about him and his ex-girlfriend out of my head. How can
I get myself to realize that he’s with me now and that I shouldn’t worry about it?
-Leah, 14, Louisville, KY

A: Wait you guys are 14 and you are concerned about his ex girlfriend? You know what I totally understand. At 14 this guy could be the love of your life, you don’t want this harlot fucking up your marriage plans. The only way you will feel better is to take this bitch out of the equation.

You need to cut the break line to her bike.

messed up bike

If you do it the right way you can make it look like an “accident”. Nobody would be able to trace it back to you. You would need to go to the funeral and support your boyfriend putting on a good public face. After the funeral you should embrace him and whisper in his ear, “I did this and if you ever leave me the same will happen to you.”

Hey if it worked for Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

fatal attraction

Wait it didn’t… Oh maybe this wasn’t the best advice.

Do you need advice? Does your teenage sister need some? Is she legal? For one time and one time only I will answer you advice questions below in the comments! *

*( I would like to point out I have no idea what I am talking about so if you actually follow my advice you should be shot.)

Filed in: Questions Answered

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

One Response to “The return of Seventeen Magazine’s Questions Answered”

  1. Marie says:

    Im 13 but i weigh over i am only 134 pounds my friend looks skinny she is so heavy i need help i trying to lose at least 90 pounds but how can i lose weight i wannalook skinny and feel skinny plz i need help im a 13 year old and over weight try to figure it out i would be happy if u found something to help me out i wanna weight atlest 95-105 pounds plz help me

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