How far would you go to get laid?

Cops say grave robbers had sex on their minds

On their way to dig up a grave in rural southwestern Wisconsin, the Grunke brothers and a friend stopped at a Wal-Mart to pick up some condoms, authorities said.

Three days later, on Tuesday, twins Nicholas and Alexander Grunke, 20, and Dustin Radke, 20, were charged in Grant County with attempted theft — and attempting to have sex with a corpse.

“In different schools that teach you about bizarre behavior, necrophilia is one of those things that you hear about, but never think you’ll have to deal with,” said Grant County Sheriff Keith Grovier.

A Cassville police officer arrived at the St. Charles Cemetery on Saturday night after a neighbor alerted police to suspicious activity, according to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday. The officer found an abandoned vehicle parked near the cemetery. Minutes later, the complaint stated, the officer saw Alexander Grunke walking toward the vehicle, dressed in black and sweating profusely.

After being questioned, Grunke told the officer his brother and Radke were trying to dig up a grave, according to the complaint.

The two drove into the cemetery to find the partially dug grave of a 20-year-old woman who was killed in a motorcycle accident Aug. 27 in Cassville. The diggers had only managed to reach the top of the grave’s concrete vault.

Nicholas Grunke and Radke were arrested Sunday morning in Beetown, about eight miles from the cemetery.

The complaint said Radke told police that Nicholas Grunke had asked him to help dig up the Cassville woman’s body and take it to Grunke’s house, so that Grunke could have sex with it. On the way to the cemetery, Radke said, they stopped by a Dodgeville Wal-Mart to buy condoms “because Nick wanted to use them when he had sex with a corpse,” the complaint added.

Grovier said the three did not know the woman but had seen her picture in a newspaper obituary.

The Grunkes are from Ridgeway, while Radke is from Dodgeville, both in Wisconsin’s Iowa County, about 50 miles northeast of Cassville.

Grovier said the woman was “very well-liked, very popular” in Cassville, a Mississippi River town of about 1,100. “The community is very upset,” the sheriff said. “They can’t believe it.”

“The family, they’re people of faith, but this is still a difficult time for them,” the Rev. John Norder, pastor of St. Charles Church in Cassville, told the Associated Press on Monday. “We’re all pretty shook up that something like this could even happen. It blows your mind how anyone could stoop so low.”

Radke and the Grunkes were being held Tuesday night in the Grant County jail. The Grunke brothers were assigned a $1,000 bond, while Radke had a $1,500 bond for previous misdemeanor charges of resisting arrest, Grovier said.

Each could face nearly 5½ years in prison and a $17,500 fine.

Wow, what the hell do you say to that?

I mean I have sooooooooooooooooooooo many questions here.

1) How hot must this girl be? I mean these guys didn’t know her and they got motivated to do this by an obituary picture. Can you even comprehend that? I mean I look at a Playboy and don’t even get all that riled up to flog the bishop. Let alone drive to a different county and dig up a grave.

Although if it was Christie Brinkley in her prime I would consider it.

2) They felt the need to stop and buy condoms.

I’ll let that sink in for a second.

In their master planning they decided to make sure they had safe sex. How strange is it that they actually thought, “shit, we better stop and buy some rubbers.” Yet they never thought the idea of banging a corpse was wrong. This could be the most missed matched logic ever.

It’s like wiping your ass before you shit. What point does it really serve?

3) This got me thinking what would be my top 3 dead people I would like to dig up and bang…

JUST KIDDING

I am not a sick fucking hick from Wisconsin that is a necrophiliac but for shits and giggles let’s say I was. Also we will totally discount decomposition because that would totally be a turn off.

So without further adieu:

THE TOP THREE CHICKS I WOULD DIG UP AND RAIL:

3) Eleanor Roosevelt

Why: She drove the ladies insane. In fact she had a lesbian affair and cheated on the most powerful man in the free world. Of course he was a cripple but that is neither here nor there. Plus I always wanted to compare penis sizes with her.

2) Marilyn Monroe

She slept with the greatest baseball player of her generation. Also one of the greatest writers of her generation. Plus the entire Kennedy family, in fact she made JFK cheat on this:

Her vagina must be paved with gold. Or she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose I will lean towards the second one.

1) Joan of Arc

NO not Joan Van Ark… She isn’t dead yet. Her career just is.

Joan of Arc, you know, she had visions from God that told her to recover her homeland from years of English occupation? Doesn’t ring a bell?

Okay she is the chick that led the aerobics class in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Now you know why I want to nail her, she’s a hard body!

(Note: When talking to the esteemed DonkeySosa briefly last night he wanted to share his top three and how could I refuse. This is type of riveting information blog readers crave. Screw talking about social security, immigration, middle east politics, or anything like that, people want to know the top three women two guys would want to dig up and give a hot beef injection to.)

DonkeySosa’s List:

3) Mary Todd Lincoln

This may seem like an odd pick, unless you know the following about me: - I’m a notorious chubby chaser, - I really dig crazy chicks, - I am obsessed with Abraham Lincoln. So really Mary Todd is the perfect choice for me on just about every level.

2) Grace Kelly

No gag here really. Grace Kelly was one of the hottest chicks to ever walk the planet. Sure, she died at age 52, but even then she was hotter than most women will ever be. Just for added fun, I would dig up Alfred Hitchcock’s bloated corpse and make him watch as I banged the broad he wanted but could never have. Is that wrong?

1) Dana Plato

A pre-pubescent Donk’s loins stirred for the very first time while watching Dana’s brilliant acting work on Diffrent Strokes. They stirred again years later while watching in stunned silence as Dana got it on with a chick in the Soft-Core porn movie Different Strokes.

And there you have it… Now you know two more people that are going straight to hell.

Of course… I can’t forget to mention

This week on the Pointless Banter Show we have Erin Fitzgerald

She is a talented voice actress that has worked on countless cartoons, video games and anime projects. Her current gig is on The hit show Ed, Edd N Eddy, the longest running cartoon to ever be on The Cartoon network. Check out her website here: www.exploredemo.com She might be the cutest chick to ever hit the world of all things geek! So come join us this Sunday September 10th at 8pm PST and make Erin feel welcome, won’t you?