Two phrases you never want to hear
After spending some time with my family this weekend and seeing my cousins, uncles, and aunts for the first time in awhile I learned a few things that I would like to pass on to all of you.
There are two phrases that when you hear them nothing good EVER follows them.
Phrase 1: I have to tell you something.
I have to tell you something is never followed by anything good. You never hear:
I have to tell you something, we won the lottery.
I have to tell you something, Paris Hilton got ran over by a Mack truck.
I have to tell you something, you have the largest penis I have ever seen. (Okay I get that one once in awhile…. ok I am lying.)
Usually when you hear I have to tell you something this is what you hear:
I have to tell you something, I have herpes.
I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
I have to tell you something, you parents died it a car wreck because your father veered off of the road while your mother was giving him road head. (True story, why do you think I am so emotionally disabled?)
Phrase 2: Remember that time….
Remember that time is another phrase you never want to hear. Not only for the fact that nothing good will follow it but also because it is always brought up in front of a girlfriend, boyfriend, or someone that shouldn’t hear what follows.
Remember that time is never:
Remember that time you hit a home run?
Remember that time you got an A on your test?
Remember that time you went swimming with a sting…. (wait it is probably too soon.)
Remember that time is usually like this:
Remember that time you slept with that fat girl and got the clap.
Remember that time you got so drunk that you crapped your pants in the bar.
Of course for me this weekend I was hit with this in front of my entire family.
Remember that time that bored housewife drove back behind that building we were working at and made you feel her fake tits? This was brought up in front of my dear old mother.
Tomorrow’s blog: Remember that time that bored ass housewife cornered me and made me feel her fake tits.
