So here is the deal. It was a mixed bag between me going on match.com and writing a journal of my dates and corresponding with a few ladies behind bars. This week I am going to set up a PO BOX and start doing the prison thing. I don’t know where this is going to go but I think it maybe mildly entertaining. I am going to leave it up to you to craft the letters and do some other things with this. Maybe do a letter mad libs style or have us create a character.
But first we need to find me a woman….
Contestant 1: Julie from California
Her description: “We are two of a kind, searching for the same thing-love, caring, affection, trust, lust, happiness, smiles, laughs. someone to share everything with, from A to Z. As for me, I’m Julie, 35 years old, Scorpio, sexy natural golden blonde, green eyes, 5′6″, 125 lbs. 34C -24-36 curvy in all the right places. I like movies, reading, sunbathing, naked! I love sports especially football, but what I really am interested in is…you!!”
Pluses: Well she is listed as Non Denominational which is good and she is in for robbery so maybe she has money kicking around hidden in an attic somewhere. Also she likes to sunbathe naked which is always a plus, I mean I do need someone to get some sun with.
God knows I need it.
Minuses: Her release date is January 2007….. I need to graduate school without getting shanked.
Contestant 2: Rebecca from the great state of Texas
Her description: “I am a 30 year old sensual woman, who’s very open and honest, passionate, very caring, open minded, energetic and loving, a very giving heart, strong minded, warm, emotional, sincere, white Irish “plus German and Indian” and a little submissive, blonde cutie. I’m attractive with a sense of humor, and blue eyes that stands 5′9″ and weighs at 135 lbs with long legs and arms. I’m childless too, and I love children and in time try to have some ‘If the Lord be willing’.”
Pluses: She is hot. She doesn’t get released until 2029 which is a plus. You know, no nagging, “Where were you last night?” shit like that, no yelling at me to take out the garbage, and I won’t have to listen about her day.
Minuses: Well she’s in for murder, when she gets out I could be staring down the barrel of a shotgun. Plus it looks like she wants to knock out a few kids and she really loves the lord, I don’t know if I want to start banging out kids yet. I can see her yelling at me about my gambling issues…
Contestant 3: Martha from Texas
Her description: “I spend my days in our education department tutoring the E.S.L. class. I’m a very active person who loves to walk and work out. I am looking to make a new friend or possibly more, who’s to say your my destiny.”
Pluses: I need a little Latin flavor in my life, plus she likes to work out so she is going to be yoked when she gets out of the joint. While she loves walking I just wonder how far she can really go? She is in for a conspiracy drug charge… So she knows where to get the good shit, not that I partake. She is locked up to 2016.
Minuses: She is one unit away from her business certification. I bet she will be wanting me to run shit from the outside and be her main contact with Pablo Escobar, I don’t need the Colombians fucking with me.
Contestant 4: Shawn from CA
Uh… let’s move on.
Contestant 5: Alison from AZ
Her description: “I am not your average inmate by any means! I come from a good family and for a variety of reasons I found myself making some very poor choices. I have decided to make this time useful by designing a wellness/fitness program that has now been instituted on all the units.
Upon my release I am going to pursue my Master’s in Counseling at Arizona State University. I spent the last 20 years as a chief financial officer, but am unable to pursue that career due to my crime. I have been fortunate to find a new calling and see this experience as a new beginning.”
Pluses: Look at her stomach. Sure she might be a little long in the tooth for me at 44 but age is just a number right. Plus she is getting out a day after my birthday next year that’s a sign right?
Minuses: Due to the fact she was convicted of Fraudulent Schemes there might be some issues about her trying to get proper employment. In fact she mentions that she won’t be returning to a CEO position anytime soon. Plus I think she might be too in shape for me. She could wrap her legs around my skull and kill me.
So who should I select?
I write about the stuff we all think but don't like to talk about.
