Whoops I crapped my pants

There was a point in time where I had a job of some importance. I was the head corporate consultant for a computer firm in Rochester, NY. In fact I was so important that I had my own office, it was great to dance to Locomotion in complete privacy.

Money was rolling in and I was doing well. I was still living in a college town and trying to do the college town nightlife drinking pretty much from Wednesday to Thursday. It’s really amazing what a young body can handle.

After going out for my friend Mark’s 23 birthday I struggled to get out of bed the next day for work. There is no way I could miss work, I knew that I had an important conference call and that I had an on-site consultation at the end of the day. So I got up drank a shit ton of water and headed off to work.

By 11am I had already crapped three times at work. My stomach was rotting out and I felt like complete and utter shit. I was trying to write down what I had drunk the night before and get atally. (As you can see I was really productive at my job.) I decided that it would probably be a good idea to eat and put something in my stomach I headed out to get a sub to eat before my conference call.

The conference call was rather important it was with Intel about our proposed laptop program. It was something I couldn’t miss. While sitting there in my office listening intently to someone from Intel speak I had a little gas in my stomach. It was time to let a little fart go. I muted the phone just incase I ripped one and slowly let it leak out. About halfway through the leak out it erupted into a loud forceful fart. My eyes lit up as I realized that it wasn’t just a fart, it was an anal eruption on the scale of Mount Vesuvius.

Now I was presented with multiple questions
-How bad was it?
-How do I get off this important conference call?
-Is it going to be possible to clean this here?
-How can I be 24 and shitting my pants?

I could tell the call was winding up. Sadly I knew I had to complete the call. About three minutes later the guy speaking finished up. (Yes I sat there in my own shit.) They threw it back to me to see if I had any other questions, which I had a list of about ten things I needed to know, and I just told them that everything was good and I had to run because my next appointment was here. Quickly I untucked my shirt to make sure it hit any leak through to my khakis and headed down the hallway to the private bathroom.

When I arrived I stripped down and washed my boxers in the sink. To my horror I noticed a little patch of leak through onto my pants. I was totally screwed there is no way that I could finish the day out like this, I needed to change my clothes.

After drying the boxers the best I could using the hand dryer I got dressed and headed down to Jennifers office. Jennifer was the HR person/Accountants payable person, where the following conversation took place:

Kevin: Jen I need to go home before my meeting today.
Jen: Why?
Kevin: Its just really important that I do. I dont want to talk about it.
Jen: Kevin, that isnt a good reason.
(I turn around and lift up my shirt showing her the stain on my rear.)
Jen: (laughing) Did you shit yourself?
Kevin: Yup.
Jen: (crying/laughing) How old are you? Get the fuck out of before it runs down your leg onto the floor.

(There was no response to this, just turn around and run out of the office.)

I went home showered and changed my clothes. Jen covered for me and told them that I had to run and meet with a customer to discuss their bill. Nobody knew what happened and the secret was safe between us.

Of course until I was a total jackass and decided to blog about it, so this begs the question when was the last time you crapped your pants?