Parade Magazine Questions Answered

Q. You always do Top 5 lists. How about the all-time top TV dogs?
-Steve Hartland, Portland, Ore.

A. All time might be hard to do since I haven’t been on earth 60 years or anything like that. How about the last twenty years?

5. Joy Behar
4. Mindy Cohen
3. Shannon Doherty
2. Nicole Richie
1. Marsha Warfield

What you meant like Lassie? What fun is that?

Q. I was disappointed that you didn’t include any African-Americans in your list of the five most beautiful actresses over 45. Can you explain this glaring omission?
-Lajuana Tyson Hilton, Rockville, Md.

A: This isn’t the first time Parade has been accused of racist practices when they did the list of under hot actresses under the age of 25 it was also lilywhite. I asked their editor in chief for a comment.

To which he replied by burning a cross in my lawn.

Q. As a big fan of Westerns, I’m curious: Which actors were the best riders?
-Connie Dillon, Wichita, Kan.

A: You know I said I wouldn’t make them anymore but fuck it. It is too easy.

I heard they liked to ride bareback.

Ok really, I am done with them, for real.

Q. What became of the members of the popular ‘50s-style group Sha Na Na?
-Deb Leonard, Huntsville, Ala.

A: I’ll give you a hint.

Q. You asked readers if they agreed with Oprah Winfrey’s decision not to invite Whoopi Goldberg to her Legends Ball. Given Oprah’s huge popularity, I assume she won the poll. Right?
-Flora Westfield, New York, N.Y.

A: If you are the center square on Hollywood Squares at any point in your career you do not deserve to go to the Legends Ball. Well of unless of course you are Paul Lynde.

Just for the hell of it the top five Paul Lynde quotes from Hollywood Squares.

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn’t have the right part?

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, “Dinah (Shore)’s in top form. I’ve never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a…” A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body– what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!

Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, “whistle while you work”?
Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell…or Linda Lovelace.

Peter Marshall: In “Alice in Wonderland”, who kept crying “I’m late, I’m late?”
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

Q. Why does Mariah Carey always wear those short skirts and plunging necklines?
-S.D., Harrisburg, Pa.

A: It is official this has now been installed as the single dumbest question ever asked in Parade Magazine. It’s too easy to even take a shot at.

You know what why don’t you guys answer the question. We’ll read the best answer on the show tonight.

(Remember to watch on musicplustv.com the pointlessbanter show tonight at 8pm PST. Tonight it is all about Sex… It should be interesting.)