Vagina and John Carpenter

There are two things on my mind tonight: Vagina and John Carpenter.

First things first. The other day I heard two women talking about how disgusting penises are. “They’re hairy.” “They smell musty.” “They look like Gene Hackman” (I never understood this one). I’ve heard this discussion time and time again over the years, and it never ceases to puzzle me.

Our Savior Jesus Christ says: “Let Ye Without Sin Cast the First Stone.”

In other words ladies, have you taken a look downstairs lately? How dare you cast aspersions on our “gear” when you have what appears to be two slices of roast beef and a helmeted bump twixt those beautiful thighs of yours. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE vagina, absolutely LOVE it. I have no idea WHY I do, but I do. My point is simply this: PENIS IS AWESOME.

Uhhhhh, that didn’t come out quite how I meant it. But you get my point ladies. You should be thanking Allah every day that guys can’t get enough of that sweet pleasure hole, no matter how disturbing it may look.

Now on to John Carpenter. I was watching They Live last night, an awesome film, and it inspired me to think of my top 5 favorite Carpenter films. So here they are!

5.

In the Mouth of Madness – 1995

Carpenter’s last truly great movie before his long slide into obscurity. This Lovecraftian film is well-acted by Sam Neil and has some truly creepy scenes.

4.

Big Trouble in Little China – 1986

One part Kung Fu movie, one part Western, one part Science Fiction. 100% funny. Kurt Russell turns in a great John Wayne impression in this goofy film.

3.

They Live – 1988

This is an underrated cult classic. WWF wrestler Roddy Piper spouts one-liners and kicks some major alien ass. His 7 minute fight scene with Keith David is legendary (it was even parodied on South Park). The kicker is that the film also has a really cool message about America during the Reagonomics era.

2.

Halloween -1978

Duh. A brilliant minimalist horror film that can still creep me out in a dark room. Served as a template for SO many films in the decades after it.

1.

The Thing – 1982

This is hands down the greatest horror movie of all time. Carpenter brilliantly shoots the film for maximum claustrophobia. It’s not so much a horror film as it is a study of human nature and paranoia. The FX are cutting edge even today, with some of the most elaborate and realistic gore effects ever put on film. If you haven’t seen this film, you NEED to.