I Think I May Be Eating Too Much
I think I may be eating too much. It might be time for me to consider going on a diet or something, but I’m not 100% sure. So help me out. Below you’ll find a list of everything I ate this Saturday. Read it over and let Donk know what you think.
9:00AM – Breakfast – 5 raw eggs, a stack of 10 pancakes with extra butter (sugar-free syrup though), 4 Pop Tarts, a Gallon of Whole Milk, a package of Twizzlers, and a Liter of Mountain Dew.
10:30AM – Snacktime #1! – An entire box of Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets, A Snickers Bar, A bag of Ranch Doritos, and 5 GoGurts.
12:00PM – Lunch – 2 Extra Large Pizzas with Sausage and Pepperoni, a six-pack of Dr. Pepper, a vat of Lard, a whole Pumpkin (with seeds), a box of Cheez-its, a dozen Dunkin Donuts, and a bicycle tire.
12:45PM – Snacktime #2! – A Kiwi
1:30PM – Snacktime #3! – This is a fun one. I rummaged around in my neighbors’ garbage looking for anything edible. I then deepfried whatever I found and slathered it in Ranch Dressing! Oh Yeah, and I ate a Granola Bar.
4:00PM – Snacktime #4! – A live Chicken, Goat’s milk straight from the teat (5 Cups), a bag of assorted Fun Size Candybars, some Peanut M&Ms, and a bottle of Mild Salsa.
7:00PM – Dinner – 18 Veal Cutlets, a Full Rack of Ribs, a newborn child (preferably male), some thumbtacks, 2 Lobsters, a keg of Samuel Adams, my own feces, a bowl of French Onion Soup, a Kit Kat, a Rasberry Entemann’s Danish, 2 cans of Fancy Feast (beef in gravy, them shits is goood), A Banana Daquiri, a dozen roses, some Mud Pie (seriously, it’s literally mud), a package of Grape Kool Aid, and 1 washed-up child actor (I’m starting to run out of em though, so I think I’m going to switch to something easier to find. Guys Paris Hilton’s banged perhaps?).
9:00PM – Snacktime #5! – 2 undocumented immigrants, a herd of cattle, and a small piece of Utah state (like anyone’s gonna notice). Oh yeah, and a jar of urine (don’t ask me from where).
12:00AM – Snacktime #6 – The midnight snack. The most important meal of the day. I finish off the day with a light meal of Cool Whip, a box of Cocoa Crispies, and a few hairs from my vast public mane.
So what do you all think? And BE HONEST. Does the Donk need to scale back his eating habits or not?
Also, a sidenote. Yesterday was Mrs. Donk’s 30th Birthday (yep, almost time for me to trade up). For months now she’s been begging me to go and get a pedicure with her. And, you guessed it, I broke down and went with her as part of her birthday gift. One of her big selling points has always been how “she sees guys in there with their wives all the time getting them done.” Yeah, well, guess how many men I saw in the place the entire 2 hours I was there? That’s correct: 0. Congratulations are in order – My wife’s quest to completely emasculate me took a huge step forward yesterday folks. The only upside – The Asian girl working on my feet had a low cut top on and I got to stare at her jiggling funbags for an hour. That fact allowed me to BARELY cling to my manly pride.
You guys out there, PLEASE tell me that some of you go and get this shit done to your feet.
As a resident of Western Colorado, I ask that you give up the entire thing and just stick to pieces Utah. You will fill up on shame and judgment, instead of empty calories and carbs. Plus Vegas will be that much closer for me!!!!!!!
Um, Chicago rocks. You don’t know what you’re missing. Really, you don’t. Oh, and I’m not stumped, I merely realize the limitations of this forum for ranting about the plethora of issues you portray for us to ponder. Oh, and suck down that alliteration, biatch!
OMG Donk, you are a pig…haahaahaa
ROCKABILLY – I love your logic here. Donk eats all of Utah and them somehow the plates shift and Colorado is next to Nevada?
PAGAN – You are a Poetess, and you didn’t Knowitess
SASS – Oink Oink baby
First, let me say this; clean the pumpkin before eating. Those seeds will sustain the undocumenteds for months, and you don’t need that. I too have had a pedicure. The poor little asian girl that did mine asked if I always painted my big toe nails. I said, “Nah, that’s a fungus.” She quit. Too bad, she had a bra that didn’t fit, and I got the nip shot a couple of times.
You had me at GoGurts…you had me at GoGurts. For the record, I swear, I have NEVER seen a man getting a pedicure when my GIRLFRIENDS and I go. And trust me, if we ever did…many the jokes would be spewing about. WOW! coughDoYourFeetFeelPretty?cough
No wonder mrs Donk doesn’t want to slob the knob. What you eat diectly effects the taste of your man juice.
HALON – Nip? That’s a racist term fella
MZ CRAIG – Thanks for healing my wounded male pride….ass
STARLESS BLUE – Damn, that probably means my jizz tastes like an undocumented immigrant, or worse yet, my own feces
OMG! That comment by Starless Blue might be the best ever!
I don’t know, the kiwi sounds like a bit much. You might want to scale back on the fruits so you don’t get the runs.
JEREMY – point taken. No more Kiwis
“…ass” LMAO!!!
coughfootfagcough
Are you getting ready to start your period?
Now there was only you eating all this food – or the rest of your neighborhood? I’m confused lol
MANDY – No, I just finished it actually
LUNA – just be baby, just me! too much?
you might need a colon cleanser , but do it on the weekend the 1st 2 days are frightening , if you ate a crayon or an army man when you where a child be prepared to see it again…
AMBER – Drano is my colon cleanser
Man oh man, my stomach started to churn outta control when you got about half way thru your “daily” meal diary there Donk…..i think you should scale back the chomping on human beings, and human bodily fluids (feces and urine) then i think you’re good..LOL..:P
Dude you better calm down before you kill yourself….An the only man I’ve ever heard of getting a pedicure was a Veitnam Vet.. And you kow they’re all screwed up in the head.
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