My Wife is Controlled by Spiders
For years now I’ve tried to figure out what is wrong with my wife. She’s ornery, opinionated – hell, some would say she’s just downright evil. Here were some early theories I had as to why she acts the way she does, along with the reasons they turned out not to be true:
- She’s possessed by the Devil
Not true because: Doesn’t spit pea soup and I’ve been unable to locate the mark of the devil on her.
- She’s the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler
Not true because: No wacky Hitler Mustache, loves the Jews.
- She secretly hates me
Not true because: I’m just SO goddamn loveable
So the mystery went unsolved…until over the weekend. Mrs. Donk and myself were out with my sister Claire and my Brother-in-Law Farmer Vincent’s Fritters. We were at my nephew’s piano recital, and the place was so packed that we were leaning up against a thick windowsill in the back of the room. Suddenly, Mrs. Donk looked behind her and her eyes got wide. I followed her gaze and saw three tiny spiders crawling around.
About ten seconds later, Mrs. Donk moved away from the windowsill and found a chair to sit in. When I looked again at the windowsill, THE SPIDERS WERE GONE. Poof, just like that, they vanished. After the recital, when I explained what happened to Farmer Vincent, he made a startling realization – my wife is not human at all, but instead some sort of android that is run my thousands of spiders operating little tiny controls. The spiders we had seen were actually new members of her team, and they disappeared quickly because they apparently crawled into one of her gaping orifices and scurried off to fulfill some unknown role.
When he said this, it all came together for me. Years of bizarre and angry behavior suddenly made sense. OF COURSE she’s controlled by spiders. The evidence is astonishing:
- Spiders are angry. My wife is angry.
- She walks in a herky-jerky, robotic way. Sometimes she will just pause at a standstill for minutes.
- I always thought Mrs. Donk seemed almost TOO AFRAID of spiders. All along it was only a ploy to keep me from discovering the truth.
- I’ve been bitten by spiders thousands of times in my sleep.
- My wife is a terrible driver. Spiders can’t drive.
- Her favorite snack: live crickets.
- Her vagina is room temperature.
- She’s always insisted that our first-born be named Charlotte (Think about it).
- She always cries at the end of Arachnophobia and Eight-Legged Freaks.
- She won’t give blow jobs. Spiders HATE giving blow jobs.
Now that I know this information, I’m not sure what to do with it. It’s probably too late for me. She’s spun her web around me and I’m stuck for life. But my message to single men is this: I don’t think my wife is the only one. My best estimate, based on solid research, is that up to 50% of women are Spider-controlled. So for Christsake, be careful out there fellas. Be careful. And whatever you do, don’t get married. You know what female spiders do to their mates…
I’ve heard that one before. My ex boyfriend was hygenically challenged and would want to get a little somethin somethin from me even when his nuts were rancid. “No way, I don’t stink!” he would proclaim, “I smell like roses!” Ugh. Just wash your dirty ass.
Hey, at least she’s not one of those kinds of spiders that eats you as a post-coital snack.
LIZ – That’s why I stopped defecating altogether. I now wear a colostomy bag instead!
I never realized that my love of giving head could be used to prove that I wasn’t controlled by spiders… you learn something every day.
You were obviously traumatized by all of the black widows that were around when we were growing up. But, still. . . you do make some valid points. . .
STARLESS BLUE – Are you single?
CLAIRE – Cmon, you KNOW I’m right on this one. There can be no other explanation.
You’re wife is going to bite off your head if you keep flirting. And I’m not talking about the one in your pants, big guy.
YOUR WIFE HAS A GAPING ORIFICE?
If she reads this, she is going to eat you after you mate next time.
Best thing I’ve read in awhile…and every word of it THE TRUTH.
STARLESS BLUE: OK, fess up. You’re either 1) Another Spider-Controlled woman, or 2) My Wife or 3) both
TRISHCUIT: actually, it was plural: Gaping Orifices. I’m a big guy
FARMER – You do realize that you signed your own death warrant that day, right? And mine as well.
1)Not spiders, horomones. They’re even scarier than spiders.
2)Not your wife. Judging from your ten point list in your blog the only thing we seem to have in common is anger and finding you entertaining.
3)neither.
hahaha this is definetly some funny shit. I love it.
STARLESS – Where on my list does it say she finds me in the least bit entertaining?? 11) Spiders don’t have a sense of humor
AMBER – Very easy for you to say when you’re not living with a thousand spiders surrounded by human flesh
What really should of given it away to you was when you looked up at that crazy spider web on your porch which had the words, “Die Donk Die” in it.
when you skin your knee because you fall of the skateboard, does she clean it with peroxide or her tongue?
SPINDER – you’re right, but i thought maybe a bunch of random spiders just decided to hate me or something
POPE – she sucks on it lovingly. i thought she just really loved me or something
Donk, I’m inclined to think that this is some sort of paranoid delusion…but…Something that haunts my myspace memories is a blog that you wrote a few months back about your father the spider whisperer. Could it be that the spiders are trying to study you through observing you in your own habitat and through “human” interaction? Put simply: are the spiders pretending to be people in order to see what makes Donk tick. You may find that there are actually no real people in your life at all. That its all an elaborate hoax, a staged life in the aid of furthering spider-human communication and education. In which case, can you trust us? Am I human? IS ANYONE HERE HUMAN? or are we all just responding in a “human like manner” in order to study what would happen should donk discover the truth? Something to think about…
GESTAPO – You just rocked the very foundations on which i’ve built my life. even today, it would seem, the widows haunt my every move.
With the all the trouble you have getting your wife to do you sexual favors, I’d say you just blew your chances of ever getting laid again, EVER. Don’t let her read it, Donk. Don’t let her read it.
Hey man, beware of those spiders. Their bites can be fatal.
okay then, all we have in common is anger. I think you’re funny
My husband is controlled by spiders too, not to mention my son Dakota who wakes me up in the middle of the night to get one. He plays on the pc til weeeeee hours in the am only to see what would visit him if he were sleeping. So I drag my sorry ass out of bed, go to the closet and get the vac, put the 2 plus foot extender on the hose and go in for the kill, sucking that bastard that disturbed my son, that posed the trickled down effect to me. The spider is now in dust heaven, hopfully mating with the mites and anything else that might be in there. Personally I would not know, for the only thing I have ever used the vac for is sucking up spiders, I leave the rest for the cleaning crew. I love the awesome power a tiny spider has. Its bite says it all.
Dolby, hey I love you donk
VOICES – i’ve just about given up at this point anyway.
DOLBY – Science has shown that only women can be spider-controlled
Wow, reading this makes me wonder if maybe _I_ am a spider as well…
Ok , now I got it! Whew, now I know I am not controlled by spiders because I am a great driver and I also give great I mean I hate live crickets But I still have to worry about them trying to take over by crawling in my ear and I still feel the imaginary ones crawling up my legs.