The Time a Guy Stared at My Dick in a Public Restroom
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 31 years on this planet (and there may indeed only be one thing) it’s this: PEOPLE ARE CREEPY. I got a chance to find out just how creepy about 8 years ago, when I caught some guy staring at my dick as I took a piss at a urinal.
I remember every detail vividly. I was working the counter at my job, when in saunters this really tall, middle-aged Native American gentleman. For the purposes of this blog, we will call him “Chief Peepsalot” (yeah that sounds racist, but I’m 1/8th Native American, so eat me you asshats). I say saunter, but it was more of a stumble really, for Peepsalot had been drinking this fine afternoon. In addition, he was very obviously homeless – he was dressed in ratty clothes that were smeared in layers of dirt and he was carrying an olive green army duffle bag. As he passed my desk, I caught a strong whiff of booze and 5-day-old piss.
Now in the line of work I was in at the time, I was quite accustomed to the homeless coming and going as they pleased, so I quickly returned to helping the customer in front of me without another thought about Chief Peepsalot. A couple of minutes later, another employee came to relieve me from the desk. As I left, I realized that the 10 cups of coffee I’d drank that morning had finally caught up with me and I needed to take a massive leak. So urgent was my need that I decided not to wait to get to the staff restroom but to use the public one instead.
Mistake. I walked into the public bathroom with its welcoming aroma of shit and urinal cake and made my way to the fly-infested urinal. To my immediate right was the lone bathroom stall, which was occupied. I unzipped my fly, rolled out my massive penis like a party streamer, and began showering the back of the urinal with gallons of Donkey water. It felt good folks. As I pissed, I stared down at two cigarette butts that were at the bottom of the urinal, bobbing up and down next to the urinal cake. Some guy actually had time to finish two cigarettes while taking a leak?
As I pondered this conundrum, a prickly feeling came over me. Something wasn’t right. I looked up and to the right just in time to see a face that had been peering at me through the gap between the wall and the bathroom stall quickly pull back and disappear. My bladder instantly clenched up, my immense penis shriveling to the size of a normal man’s. Sweat sprang to my skin in beads as my mind reeled. Did I really just see that? Was that some guy’s face? Nah, couldn’t be, could it?
After a few seconds, I sheepishly began to pee again. Thank God. It was just my imagination. But no sooner had I started up again than the face reappeared in the gap. And there could be no doubt this time because I was STARING RIGHT AT IT. Chief Peepsalot’s bloodshot eye was staring right down at my man-meats, a half-crazed glee behind it. I’m pretty sure he knew I had caught him too, but old Peepsalot was just too worked up to care at that point. My mind shudders to think what was going on in that filthy stall of his (hint: he may have been masturbating).
I froze, not sure what to do. I’m not a tough, angry guy by nature. Am in fact quite non confrontational. I was more embarrassed and shocked about the situation than anything else. That being said, I was damned if I was going to let Peepsalot finish his business and walk out of there. So, I gathered up my courage and took action.
“Hey!” I said in a deep, raspy, and fake voice. “What the fuck are you doing?”
Chief Peepsalot must have known that the gig was up, but he still couldn’t tear his gaze from my glistening member (which I could only really HALF blame him for). I gave it another try:
“If you don’t get the hell out of here, I’m going to beat the shit out of you!”
In reality, I probably would have just slunk out of there and added an extra session to my already extensive counseling schedule (5 times a week!), but Peepsalot didn’t know that, and this did the trick. He bolted out of that stall and stumbled out of the bathroom. Shaken, I finished up my piss and washed my hands (there’s a first time for everything). By the time I left the bathroom, Chief Peepsalot was long gone. And he never, ever came into the place again.
It was an extremely invasive, creepy experience, and one that sticks with me to this day. Yet still, every so often, as I’m taking a leak in the restroom of some greasy spoon diner, I’ll look up at the gap between the urinal and the wall and think: Where are you now Chief Peepsalot? Why didn’t you JUST ASK? We could have been something special, you and I. Then I burp up some vomit into my mouth and wonder just what the hell is wrong with me.
OK folks, if you have creepy restroom stories of any kind, now’s the time to share em.
lol I *knew* you would call me on that…I’m not referring to the Donkey Kong itself, my good man….just the ‘eye’ itself. Boo-yah. Oh and sorry for cussing. I normally don’t do that in people’s comments. 16 days of contractions and I’m gettin a bit tetchy. A thousand pardons.
You usually add visual aids. Where are the visuals here? We need to see what Chief Peepsalot saw, then maybe we can comment better. ;-P
~Shawnda~
STARLESS BLUE: That’s a great story. The ironic thing is that the toilet water, in this instance, probably DID in fact get his clothes cleaner than they were.
JEN – Matbe she just wanted some hot Lesbo action. Ever think of that? I have, and me likee
BECKY – don’t worry, it grew back to it’s regular size. In fact, since then it’s gotten even bigger
MAYOR – I’ll never fuckin forgive you.
And my peepee hole is the size of a half-dollar
“rolled out my massive penis like a party streamer” LMAO!!! Good God! Its so sad but I live for lines like that. And wow…I’ve never seen the word “massive” used so often in one blog!
You too could of made magic!
Thanks Donk. I shudder to think what he was washing out be it bodily emmissions of any kind to creepy crawlies. Ick Ick Ick.
POK – I’m used to that. Many people live for my “party streamer”
This blog leaves me with only one question…just how massive is it?…like, do you need a ham key to roll it back up in your pants?
MANDY – usually i just wrap it around my waist
Yikes! I am fortunate that I have no public toilet horror stories. I’ve been reading these comments and they’re all just aweful. Hillarious but aweful. Thanks for making me laugh people.
At this point I just wish an old Indian man would stare at my penis.
well donk once again you left me speechless well except for this….I can recall a time in my early 20’s i was playing with a band and we were just playing some local bars. there was this one evening and we had just finished our second and final set of the night and the beers had been flowing like the flood waters of the damned. I should mention at this point that the place we were playing that night was near a beach location during the summer where most of the patrons wore bathing suits or shorts etc. Well my bladder could no longer withstand the growing pressure and i made a lighting shot to the restroom as i enterd i noteced one stall and 2 urinals so i head for the urinals as they were not occupied at the time. Well in my haste to relieve myself of the gallons of used beer that were consumed i failed to notice the gentleman in the stall who was on his hands and knees vomiting into the toilet well apparently his upset stomach was effecting both ends of his twisting body. I heard him retch uncontrollably and as i looked back to see what this noise was i happend to look down at him mid spew and at the same moment as he was vomiting down his leg out from under his swim trunks was a nice watery brown shit stream pouring from this poor mans rectom. Well as this was happening it startled me so, that i must have pulled away from the urinal and was now pissing on my own leg… Though i feel i made out much better in this situation. I still check stalls now before using the urinal if all doors are closed i feel safe.
Thinking about it now though with your situation i guess closed stalls can be just as dangerous
You’re lucky you’re guy! Chicks get followed by homeless men who scream the things they’d like to do with your body or just call you “ugly/hot”, depending what drugs they are on at the time.
Your story is creepy but I got my own haha
Wow, I guess being speechless means something different for ~Eric~ than most people. Never had a really traumatic creepy bathroom experience. I think the fact that many men stand at urinals instead of behind doors accounts for a higher incidence of creepy behavior because their junk is made more or less public…but creepy people will find even creepier ways of being creepy if you install barriers to their interests, as many of your readers have shown stall-related creepy behavior.
This explains the Native American squaw fetish porn DVDs littered all around your house. Also now I understand why you ask everyone to refer to you as “Dances With PeePee”.
FERDINAND – give me your email address. I’ll see if i can track Peepsalot down
ERIC – Christ I SO didn’t need to hear that story
PAGAN – Hope you’re settling in well out in Chicago!
The first week I moved to California I went to my roommate’s Dad’s show in Monterey (he is an Irish Folk singer and makes hella money from it, amazingly). I went to the bathroom after the fifth round of free drinks and a tall big man started talking to me as I was peeing!
I did not think he could actually be talking to me, but when I finished and turned to wash my hands he was there with a creepy look in his eyes and a crooked half-smile!
he tried to grab me and kiss me and I had to push him away, he then wanderered into the stall next to the door. When I tried to leave his hands leapt out of the stall and tried to drag me in, all the smile he had the creepy half-smile-happy-eyes look on his face! I tried to pull away but coulnd’t so I rememebred my Ender’s Game and ran into him instead! He smashed onto the toilet and I ran out to safety by the bar.
My friend Matt then drunkenly turned to me and said, TOUCHING why were you in the bathroom so long, were you being accosted?1 I WAS SHOCKED and said, YES I WAS and I told him what happened. Matt jumped up onto his stool and shouted out over his dad’s show “A gay man just tried to rape my friend here in the bathroom, we have to find him!!”
He was not found, however…
TOUCHING – that story may not be funny, but it is creepy AS HELL
Wow, honestly I’m glad that all of my stories are merely gross stories of what I found cleaning the bathrooms at work. And yes, there were a few times they gave us the chance to double team it and I volunteered to do the mens’ bathroom in a heartbeat because it really is much cleaner than the women’s.
That’s a great suggestion Starless Blue, when I move to Texas next week and feel that I need to save a few bucks I’ll just tote kid and laundry down to the nearest handicap stall and scrub-a-dub.
Good observation, your ideas are right on.