Welcome to McChurch. Can I Take your Order?

Over the weekend, Mrs. Donk had to do an assignment for the Religion class she’s taking. The assignment was to attend a religious service of any type and write a detailed report about what you observed. Because I am a dutiful husband (ie I wanted to get laid that night) I volunteered to go along with her.

The church we picked to visit is the most popular one in our city. Everywhere you go, you see these annoying stickers on people’s cars advertising it. It’s like some kind of fucking cult or something. Anyway, we thought it’d be a laugh because we’d always heard odd things about it. We should have stayed at home.

It was a Saturday night service, so imagine our surprise when we found ourselves trapped behind a jillion other cars trying to get into the mammoth church campus. They even had OFF DUTY COPS there directing traffic. I felt like I was going to a Phil Collins concert or something (Phil, I love you). Once we were in, finding parking in the massive lot was no easy task. Luckily though, church members dressed as lifeguards with shirts that said something like “Life Savers for the Lord” or some such drivel were there to guide us into a spot.

The Church Campus was so spacious that we couldn’t even tell which building was actually the church. As we waded through a sea of blathering yentas and their khaki-short wearing husbands in our search for the actual church, I noticed:

• They had maybe the biggest playground I’ve ever seen
• An extensive building for Children and Teen “services”
• About 5 other buildings for various other things
• A huge baptismal pool with a waterfall and CHLORINATED WATER (I guess even Jesus can’t protect you from harmful bacteria).
• Fancy Stonework on all buildings
• Plush landscaping
• Up on a hill, a huge cross overlooking the whole deal, with a manmade cave underneath it.
• An expansive covered patio area with expensive-looking seating

It was obvious that this place, and the people that attended it, had some serious dough. And as I saw the increasing signs of opulance, the familiar disdain for organized religion rose in my throat like bile. All of this money, and what do they do with it? They build a bunch of shit FOR THEMSELVES. And none of the hundreds of people around me see the hypocrisy? It was boiling my blood. But it was going to get so much worse.

We finally located the actual Church, and as we entered I couldn’t believe my eyes. To the right, there was a huge foodcourt with restaurants and a Starbucks-esque coffee shop. As I stood there, I shit you not, a chick with Gucci sunglasses on walked past me holding an iced Latte. On the cup was the Church’s logo. It was one of the most surreal moments I’ve experienced. There was also apparently a gift shop in the area, as I saw a few people carrying shopping bags around – again with the logo on them. Was this a Church or The Gap?

Next we entered the actual Church, or should I say Arena? It looked like it seated about 5,000 people at the very least. It was lined with plush, stadium-style seating and had what looked to be expensive masonry work throughout. I looked around – not one cross in the place. What it DID have however was a glossy stage. And on that stage was a full band set-up. Fancy spotlight’s swirled around on the stage, and on the walls to either side of it were huge screens. There was no pulpit. Hmmm, maybe we really had stumbled into a Phil Collins concert?

As I gazed like a zombie at the stage, my wife and I were handed programs that looked like they cost a fortune to make. As I read through it, I noticed that it proudly stated that the Church had raised $20 million in the past 2 years. $20 million. I wondered just how much of it had been sunk into the Lattes and Gift Shop.

Soon, the “service” began. Or, well, I guess you could say concert. The band came out on stage and played four of the most god-awful Christian songs I have ever heard (and that’s saying something). Their instruments and sound equipment were top-notch – hell, they even had a soundboard guy operating equipment at the back of the auditorium. As they sang, the shitty lyrics showed on the big screens so that the people could sing along, which they amazingly did, even clapping to the beat. When they were done shattering my eardrums – and here’s a surprise – collection plates were sent around. Let me tell ya, these hucksters had there shit TOGETHER; they even had little envelopes inside of each program for you to put your money in.

Finally, a minister came on stage and delivered a watered down sermon about being “changed from within” and “not just conforming, but transforming.” My favorite part was when (and I’m not making this up) he talked about how he and his wife were in an expensive part of town the day before and she had bought six outfits. Hmmm, how many meals for the homeless would that buy Mr. Minister? When he told the story, the crowd just laughed and laughed. In fairness to the leaders of this Church, they obviously know their flock aren’t the brightest of sheep, because inside the program was what looked like a Mad Lib. As the minister preached, a Powerpoint would play on the big screens and let the flock know which words went in the blanks. I AM DEAD SERIOUS. I looked around and saw that almost everyone had a pen in hand! I could be wrong here, but isn’t the point to actually absorb what the person is saying and reflect on it, not play some kookie word game with it?

The sermon finally ended, and the Band made its triumphant return to play their Encore, ending the song with the words “You are now dismissed.” As my wife and I walked back out into the heat of the night I marveled at human beings’ capacity to take the message of good men and women and twist it into whatever they want it to be.

I looked up at the cross on the mountain-top, the sunset red behind it. To me anyway, it seemed to be gazing down on us all in disdain. Or maybe Jesus just wanted a Latte.

How do you all feel about this type of Church, or organized religion in general? Do you think Donk is way off base here?