Parade Magazine Questions Answered

Q. What do you think of Clay Aiken’s new hairstyle?
-Chris V., Spokane, Wash.

A: People still care about Clay Aiken?

Q. What do you make of the persistent rumors that the late James Dean was gay or bisexual?
-Mitch W., Wheeling, W. Va.

A: I am not shocked.

As seen from this picture from “Rebel Without a Cause” the dude is totally checking out his ass. James is totally pulling a hot chick move. He knows that the guy is checking out his ass and it playing coy about it. By doing so it makes his ass look hotter.

Plus I heard he used the grease from his hair as lube. But that is just a rumor.

Q. I heard that President Bush’s new chief of staff, Joshua Bolten, had a family secret. So, what was it?
-Sylvia Steinman, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.

A:

Bolten’s family used to give underground mustache rides after they were banned during the McCarthy era. Ashamed of his family’s free wheeling past Joshua refuses to grow facial hair.

We were able to interview his brother Jerry, “I am upset with my brother. During the McCarthy era we were called communist sympathizers because of our love of the mustache ride. I don’t understand why he doesn’t embrace our past. As you can see I am proud of it and I continue on the tradition.”

Q. What did singer Fiona Apple do in the six years before releasing her acclaimed CD Extraordinary Machine last fall?
-Felix J., San Jose, Calif.

A: She spent it trying to figure out why she dated this guy for so long:

I don’t care how ripped he is. He is a fucking magician, one step above a mime on the social scale of dating.

I guess his best trick ever is making his cock disappear into her mouth.

Q. I say Kurt Russell played the boy in Disney’s Old Yeller. My daughter says it was someone else. Who’s right?
-Laurie Kerr, Bowling Green, Ky.

A: You are arguing with your kid about who was in Old Yeller? In fact that argument got so heated that you felt the need to write Parade Magazine to ask them to weigh in on it?

Are you kidding me?

When did parents turn into total pussies?

What happened to the following lines:
-Because I said so.
-Go to your room.
-I put the roof over your head, what I say goes.
-Go mow the fucking lawn.
-Don’t make me cut you.

Q. Now that her ex-cop character was killed off on Lost, what lies ahead for Michelle Rodriguez?
-Tom Cooper, Denver, Colo.

A: Community service.