Not everyone can work a glamour job. We all can’t be rock stars, athletes, or doctors. I have a large family that has people working positions from lobbyists and professors to janitors and retail employees, no matter what their job is though I respect what they do. I know how hard they work and how they grind out their paychecks no matter how large or how small they may be.
However there are some jobs that I don’t have any respect for. Today I would like to talk about people that are in a position of importance that I hate. People that are so vile that whenever I am forced to talk to one I feel not only did I lose IQ points but I want to go give myself Chinese water torture using my mother’s plug in “back massager”. To put this into context let’s look at the bottom four jobs in the respect category from the “Official Kevin’s ˜Freaking’ List of 500 Jobs”
497. Nazi Cult Leader
498. Duke Basketball Assistant Coach
500. School Counselor
At every turn in my life School Counselors or Academic Advisors have screwed me over because they are collectively the dumbest people on the face of the earth. You have all heard the old saying, “Those who can’t do teach.” I think it should be amended to “Those who can’t do teach and those who can’t do either and are utterly worthless piles of rodent feces advise.”
Let’s go through my long history with Academic Advisors:
(begin unfunny bitching)
-Advice: Was given the wrong information when I transferred from CA to NY and was told I couldn’t earn the highest degree available at my high school. Later found out that I could have if I had just taken one more year of Spanish.
Result: Because I didn’t have the higher degree it hurt me getting into my colleges of choice.
-Advice: When looking at schools my advisor kept pushing SUNY Fredonia on me. Even though I wanted to go to a school that had a solid history and political science department, the continued to push a school that was known for their music and theatre programs; also coincidently it had the largest gay male population of all the state schools. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.) Not exactly on my list of schools to go to, but they wouldn’t leave me alone about going there, maybe they were trying to tell me something.
Result: I had to walk out of my advisement meeting because they wouldn’t listen to where I wanted to go.
-Advice: I had some problems getting my father to sign my financial aid papers. Since I was technically under his custody I needed his signature and tax information. Due to the fact I took him to court for child support when I was 18 he really wasn’t for coming with the information. My advisor told me just to sign his name and that I would never get audited. I asked him if I should just go through support and collections and see if they could get the information for me and he told me they would take too long and it wouldn’t be worth the time. Next year the government wanted to audit my financial aid and needed documents from my father that I couldn’t get.
Result: I had to leave school.
-Advice: I have been told 4 different things by 4 different academic advisors in the last two years that basically added an unnecessary year and a half onto my academic career. Today I was told that I might not graduate this year because they think I need a humanities class. Apparently my upper level humanities class I took at Albany doesn’t count towards my general education requirement out here. Even though it was ten times harder than anything they offer. I will have to take like music appreciation because my political film class was too advanced. Outstanding…
Result: I will never finish school.
(finish unfunny bitching)
Besides the shitty advice I get from advisors I have pinned it down to five reasons why I hate these people.
1) Their offices always look like Fallujah
How can I listen to anyone that is trying to put my life in order when they can’t even use a fucking filing cabinet?
2) They always overlook something while reading your transcript. It never fails every time I have met with one it happens. Today was no different.
Advisor: Well you are missing a language class.
Me: Uh I took American Sign Language last year.
Advisor: I don’t see it on here.
Me: Uh look under last spring. It’s right there.
Advisor: Ah ok.
Very trustworthy people, they can’t even read their own transcripts from their place of employment.
3) They have worse teeth than the British.
All counselors will talk to you real close and you can smell the coffee, cigarettes, and failure their breath.
2) They always answer a question with a question.
Me: So if I take this class would this double count so I can graduate in a year?
Advisor: Do you want to graduate in a year?
Me: …… you realize I could be at work getting paid right now right?
Advisor: Oh you work?
1) They have motivational posters up in their office.
I have a personal rule not to trust anyone with motivational posters up in their offices. It is an automatic sign that they have no ability to think for themselves and that they read Ziggy. Neither is tolerable.
Ok I feel better now that I have vented.
What was some of the worst advice a counselor gave you?