I’m Pretty Sure I Have Chicken Pox
Today Donk finally sucked it up and went to get a haircut. It had been about three months, so I figured it was about time (the term hair helmet comes to mind). Anyways, I go to one of those discount places, unlike Mrs. Donk, who seems to have no moral dilemma with spending $100 of our hard-earned money on a seemingly bi-monthly basis to get her hair “styled” (half the time she comes home in tears anyway).
The thing about going to these discount places is that it’s a real gamble. You never know A) What kind of person is going to be cutting your hair, or B) If you’re going to be coming out of there looking like Brad Pitt or Moe from the Three Stooges. It’s all one big crap shoot. Well, today I crapped out. Now, before I get to the funny stuff, let me point out that my female barber was both pleasant to the eyes, and gave me a pretty decent cut. The fun, however, stops there. Here’s the first thing out of her mouth when I sit down:
“Ya know, I woulda cut that little boy’s hair first, but I’m getting over The Chicken Pox and I’m not allowed to be around children yet. Don’t worry though, I’m not contagious to adults.”
Now The Donk is no hypochondriac, but WTF?? By this time the clippers were out and going to town, so it would have been awkward as hell for me to jump up and say “Get your Pox-ridden hands off me foul beast – Donk’s outta here!” so I just grunted something about how I’d had Chicken Pox as a baby and stared forward at myself in the mirror in disbelief. But my nightmare was just beginning. Turns out Mrs. Pox was a “toucher,” and was constantly rubbing her infected phallanges all over Donk’s forehead and skull. She was also A TALKER as well as A SHARER, one of those people who just can’t wait to spill their guts to one and all. Here’s some other Fun Facts I learned about Ms. Pox:
- She just found out she has Cervical Cancer.
- Luckily it hasn’t spread.
- Her boyfriend made her mad this morning.
- He never even called or texted her to apologize.
- She is PMSing big time right now, which makes her even more emotional.
- She wishes he would not be there when she got home tonight because she needs some alone time.
- But then again maybe he should be there to support her. What did I think? (my response to this, and I quote, was “I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole)
I thought the haircut would never end. Worst yet, as she droned on she would stop cutting my hair periodically and just stand there until she was finished with her point. The estrogen levels in the area were heading into the Red Zone, especially since I was the only customer in the place and the only person in the room with us was another young female stylist who kept mentioning how she wanted her boyfriend to get her “a ring.” I could actually feel my breasts growing and my penis morphing into an oversized clitoris.
Finally, my haircut from hell ended. I jumped up, quickly threw some cash down, and ran out of the store like it was on fire. At first I was really worried, but I feel better now. Ol’ Chicken Pox can’t outfox me – when I got home, I immediately jumped into a bath of scalding hot water with a Drano Chaser (TM). Sure, the first three layers of my skin sloughed off, but I now consider myself Pox-free; oh, AND I’ve got some kickass, stylin hair.
Anyone got some great hair-cut disaster stories? Tips on how to treat my oncoming case of the Chicken Pox?
Yes, NINA, this forum is 100% anonymous. Thanks NINA!
Donk, that’s disgusting. You pervert. (Call me later.)
Nina, I mean…anonymous – I seriously considered it for a good 5 minutes. Haircuts are expensive, and really, how long was it gonna take?
TORI – if i’m any indication, probably under a minute
Did you tell her about the blistering herpes on the base of your skull ?
Aw Donk, don’t feel bad. The average (at least according to Erotica) is only 2 minutes, 50 seconds. I bet you could make it that long.
i slept with a hairdresser once.
when i woke up, she braided my pubes.
OMG too funny. Sharers drive me nuts. Hope you have all the kids you want cause Chicken Pox can make you sterile. k
You said Phalanges…that made me giggle.
BUTTERCUP – I didn’t tell her, but I would assume it was pretty obvious, since i’m having a terrible outbreak right now
TORI – I MIGHT be able to make it to the 2 minute mark. MAYBE
KATHY – I have no kids. Thanks for shattering my dreams!
I forgot about the strility thing!!! Wow, maybe you and Mrs. Donk won’t be starting a family on December 30, 2006 at 12:30pm precisely (since it’s already in her calendar and everything)
sterility…damn.
PAGAN – Actually, she has 7:30 PM on her schedule.
Good news:
You can get a test for the antibody to determine if you’re susceptible to chicken pox or not.
Bad news:
You can get the virus from the fucking vaccine the way I did. (My youngest son got it from his immunization too)
STARLESS BLUE – Getting the virus from the vaccine = irony at it’s finest
That was so funny!!
yeah… i stopped going to hair places a long time ago. i have really long hair and no matter what i say they always want to cut it short, or worse- i tell them “take off 3 inches” and they take of seven. i guess they don’t teach measurements in beauty school. or maybe they went to the discount school. fuck it, i just let it grow.
IDLEMUSE – there seems to be no inbetween. They leave it way too long, then when you ask for a little more they lop it all off
Crap like that is why I have been cutting my own hair for years. Next time I chop it though I’m going to have to go in to get it styled, dangit. At least I KNOW I’ve had the pox!
Fuck…cant you sue that place…crap that easily beats when I went for a trim like 3 years back…just to even things out & this asian chick (poor english=engrish) gave me a crue cut!
Um i have not had to many bad hairdresser experiences, but last weekend i was at a dive bar in upstate new york trying to escape a family reunion and was being served by an elderly woman who resembled magda from “something about mary” who had nothing else in the world to talk about but the damn cold sore on her lip that wont go away
ACULA – really? i want to hear more about that cold sore, but that’s just me
I hate when they won’t shut the fuck up so I usually say something horrific like if they drone on about wanting to get married I tell them please, my husband was just murdered or if they start talking about kids I say how I was just in a car accident and lost my baby I was pregnant with. I may be going to hell but at least it shuts them the hell up and I don’t have to live through hell while paying good money for a haircut
Oh, I thought she’d want some end-of-the-year afternoon delight!
LOL poor donk – hair stylist w/ pms alone is bad enough.
Oh man I hate sharers and touchers. Damn I just want them to shut the hell up. And I don’t have any particularly bad hair cut stories but a few months ago I dyed my hair. Turns out I was allergic to that particular brand of dye. I had red chemical like burns on my forehead, huge flakes of dying skin coming off my scalp, and horrible stuff oozing out of my head. It was horrible and the worst part was there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Happy to say that I am now flake and funk free.
Nothing on the pox tips though. I had them twice.
Oh Donk…that sounds like a nightmare! I can’t stop sniggering, but you have my sympathies. If you’ve had chicken pox you should be ok….but you can still get shingles. She shouldn’t have been working. Good luck with the Drano
One time I went cheapie with a haircut and this asian man made me stand up for half of the cut cause my hair was long! WTF?
wow… your stories ALWAYS make me laugh. This one was great. I have had the ‘pox 3 times in my life, and I’m sure I will get again. Something is fucked up in that department if you ask me. But every case is weaker than the last…if that is any comfort to you. Have fun with oven mitts taped to your hands, and wanting to scratch your ass constantly.
VOICES – that is horrific
MAYOR – I drink Drano all the time. Cleans the system out
MISS MAGGIE – I already scratch my ass constantly, so it’s all good
Y’know that’s what happens when you go to those cheap places, half of any service is not having to hear about their problems. I’ll pay plenty extra for quiet time during my haircut/manicure/pap smear
SUPREME – you had me at pap smear
That is so scary. I don’t know how you made it through. I probley would have gotten up and left mid-haircut.
Great Blog Once Again Donk.. In my wilder days of bong hits and beer chasers. I wanted to dye my hair so i went to the same place my girlfriend at the time went I’ll exclude the name but rhymes with bare buttery. Anyways The very attractive young lady suggested we bleach my hair first being that it was so dark and the color would be more brilliant if we did so. So reluctantly i agreed with her i mean she is “A Proffesional” Unbeknown to me at the time this was her first job straight out of Beauty school. Well to make a long story short she over bleached my hair making it very brittle and would tend to just break apart the color wouldn’t take because the hair was to dried out so it came out in diffrent colors. Basically my head looked like those Fucked up Rainbow wiggs with out the nice curls.. I ended up having to shave my head in the dead of winter… Because some newbie fucked up my head…
ERIC – Great story!
i went to get a hair cut recently in the village, to bad for me that the world cup was on and the barber was paying more attention to the game than my do. wso i know find myself wondering if i should just try to fix it myself or wait till it grows out and try a new spot.
if anyone has a good place in nyc to get your haircut thats not to expensive let me know
donk i think youre jesus christ too. i wonder if i have chicken pox
DAVE – that’s some funny shit right there.