Seventeen Magazine Questions Answered

Q: My problem is my guy friend. We had a one-time sexual encounter, and he promised there would be no awkwardness between us, but there is. I see him online, and we don’t even say “hey.” I feel like we ruined a friendship over something so stupid. How can I fix the friendship if he won’t even talk to me? Help!
–Nikki, 18, San Antonio

A: Nikki I have two theories here. One that is based in logic and then one that is just a shot in the dark either could be the answer to your question.

Answer one: He was never really your friend so there is no friendship to repair. He used you for sex and you should ignore him and move on with your life. Whenever a guy promises that there will be no awkwardness they mean it, there will be no awkwardness because they will never speak to you again.

Answer two: You were horrible in bed and that is why he no longer wants to talk to you. In order to fix the friendship, wait fuck repairing the friendship you need to get revenge. Here is what you do. It is a five-point plan:

1) Go to all the parties the next school district over and start randomly sleeping with guys to improve you skills in the bedroom.
2) Once your skills are refined start sleeping with all of his friends.
3) Film a session with one of his friends and make sure it end up in his hands.
4) Start stripping and sleeping with older men, preferably around the age of 29.
5) Bump into him at a party look at him and then point to yourself and say, “You passed up this.”

I think that is morally the best way to handle the situation.

Q: This might sound really selfish, but my parents got separated–they have been for two years now–and I still feel funny about my mom dating other people. I feel very insecure, and it’s weird to be so controlling. Any idea what could help me?
–Alicia, 15, Bothell, Wash.

A: Alicia I think we have the first lesbian Oedipus complex known to mankind. It frankly freaks me out a little bit. The whole mother daughter thing is gross, repugnant, and just plain wrong. I would never condone you sleeping with your mother. Well unless you are these two:

All bets are off at that point.

If you want to have your mother all to yourself just accuse these guys of leering at you and tell her they told you things like, “I’ve already tasted your mom’s vag and now I want to taste what came out of it.”

That actually just made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Q: Recently, I’ve been so upset that I cry sometimes–it just hit me that in two years I will be off to college. I have always said I can’t wait to go, but now it’s like I panic. It’s hard leaving the only place you’ve ever really called home. Help!
–Molly, 15, Boca Raton, Fla.

A: Molly I decided to bring in an expert to answer this question. Someone that knows how hard it is to leave his family. I went down to the local Home Depot and interviewed Juan.

Juan is here from El Salvador illegally.

Kevin: Juan so you left your family to come to the United States for a better life?

Juan: Si.

Kevin: Is it hard to be away from your family?

Juan: Si

Kevin: But it is worth it in the end to improve your life right?

Juan: Si

Kevin: So you think Molly is being a total pussy over nothing?

Juan: Si

Kevin: Can you believe that Jim Carey is sleeping with Jenny McCarthy?

Juan: No

So there you have it a hard-hitting interview with Juan.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. All our passion and romance is gone! I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he won’t listen. What should I do?
–Alanna, 19, Owenton, KY

A: It is a proven fact that once you hit 19 and have been in a two year relationship that everything will go to the dogs. I mean you have done EVERYTHING you are going to do in life. Sure I am sure there was passion and romance that were at levels that most people only dream about. Everyone knows that things go down hill at 18, people become jaded, and romance is lost.

Or maybe it’s you. Is the varsity jacket not enough? The class ring isn’t bling enough for you? I think we see what is going on here. You greedy bitch.