I know the guy that held the dog’s legs
Sometimes you hear phrases from people that just make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Things like:
“We need to audit you.â€
“Yes we will need to probe rectally.â€
“Honey I’m pregnant.â€
Then sometimes you hear something that really puts the fear of god into you. Something so heinous that when you hear it you pause for a second and then curl up into the fetal position and wish that you could scrub your ears with bleach. One day I heard such a phrase and this is what it was:
“I know the guy that held the dog’s legs.â€
Let me explain.
About six years ago my friends and I were at the bar after a rousing game of softball aka drink and swing a bat. We were sitting around when someone we hadn’t seen since high school made their way into the bar. Our friend Jef, yes Jef with one f, pulled up next to us and we started to get caught up with us. The beers flowed, the conversation continued for awhile, it was all fun and good times until somebody brought up a name (we will call him Larry to protect his identity).
Once Jef heard Larry’s name he started laughing and said, “Did you guys ever heard what he did at Corey’s party?†None of us had. We had no idea what Jef was talking about. Jef paused for a second and proceeded to tell us that he didn’t feel comfortable telling the story because it was that wrong.
The thing was Jef just got done telling stories with lines like:
“So I fucked her best friend and it was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.â€
“I pushed her head down while she was blowing me and she puked in the hot tub.â€
If Jef could tell stories with the previous lines what was he holding back? We kept pestering him just to tell it until he relented and this is the story:
“Years ago we at a party at Corey’s house, where there was a ton of alcohol and mostly just a bunch of guy friends hanging out. Towards the end of the night we were screwing around with Corey’s dog who was partially drunk. Someone started making comments about wanting to get laid. Larry pointed out that the only bitch in the room was Corey’s dog, which was followed by someone saying, ‘I would give you a hundred bucks if you fucked the dog.’
People starting busting balls about it and making jokes before Larry said that he would do it. Everyone called him on his bullshit until Larry pulled down his pants right there. Played with his cock for a couple of seconds and proceed to start molesting the dog.â€
This should never be a turn on
We totally cut Jef off at this point, my friends and I were almost vomiting hearing this story. We were utterly disgusted and just wanted no part of it. One of my friends started making comments that there is just no way that this could be true. That it was too out there. It was too gross and just wasn’t right. Jef swore up and down that it was true. While he was telling the story Jef kept looking down the bar at another guy that we went to high school with. He wasn’t really friends with us and was there drinking by himself. The argument kept going between all of us over the validity of the story. People had questions if lube was involved, did the dog try to bite him, did he finish? Jef answered these questions and we still thought it was bullshit. However everything changed when the guy at the end of the bar got up off his barstool and walked down to us and said:
“I know the guy that held the dog’s legs.â€
I have never wanted to vomit more in my life and that was the most disturbing story I had ever heard. To this day I feel like getting sick when I hear this.
What about you?
On 07/14/06 at 6:10 am
ckay said:
man you went to one fucked up highschool
On 07/14/06 at 6:11 am
Neo said:
That was a tragic example of what some mens lack of pussy will drive them to.
On 07/14/06 at 6:12 am
adam said:
first
On 07/14/06 at 6:12 am
Fiona said:
Wow.
So who did hold the dogs legs?
I know some people who used a dead cow as a trampoline and then it popped.
On 07/14/06 at 6:12 am
Kevin said:
Oh you don’t even know the half of it.
On 07/14/06 at 6:13 am
Zach said:
Nice work.
Reminds of the Lewis Black routine. “If it wasn’t for my horse, I never would have made it through that year at college.”
*Shivers*
Best of luck with the new gig here.
On 07/14/06 at 6:14 am
Kevin said:
A dead cow… I think you just topped anything I ever talked about.
On 07/14/06 at 6:16 am
KeMari said:
Gives new meaning to “Doggie Style”.
I knew this guy in high school who had a pet snake with it’s teeth removed. He swore it gave great head.
On 07/14/06 at 6:17 am
Fiona said:
Maybe I’ll tell that story one day. There was a chicken involved later on that night when people got cleaned up.
On 07/14/06 at 6:19 am
Goodness Gracie said:
I wonder if fucking a dog is better or worse than fucking a sheep.
On 07/14/06 at 6:19 am
Beaker said:
That is wrong on so many levels I dont know how to reply.
On 07/14/06 at 6:22 am
Kevin said:
Sheep versus dog…. sounds like an experiment blog
On 07/14/06 at 6:22 am
Beds said:
that’s one bitching story Kev. I thought us Welsh were bad. At least we stick to sheep, which are unmeasurably fluffier than golden retrievers. What we do over here is put their hind legs in our Wellingtons, that way you cut out the middle man, in this case ‘The Dog Handler’.
On 07/14/06 at 6:23 am
Wonder Bitch! said:
I’m glad the bitch was drunk too. Hopefully she didn’t remember much the next morning.
On 07/14/06 at 6:30 am
Lanette said:
What the hell is WRONG with people?
My pregnant co worker saw my face and asked what I was reading.. and I told her and she excused herself to vomit.
On 07/14/06 at 6:34 am
Metal_Penguin said:
O_o
Man I shouldn’t have ate breakfast and read this…
On 07/14/06 at 6:34 am
Jesi said:
That is the worst thing I’ve ever read. I watched Dead and Breakfast last night and I didn’t get as queasy as when I read this blog. The comment about the dead cow was the icing on the vomit cake.
On 07/14/06 at 6:44 am
Jimmy said:
lol Thats funny and sick.
On 07/14/06 at 6:45 am
Samaria said:
that is absolutely horrifying.
On 07/14/06 at 6:45 am
that Mufucka Jayremy said:
That is just sickening. I once saw a guy playing around and stradle a dogs face in boxers and that was enough for me.
ps. “jef” I hate when people spell my name (which is Jeremy) Jermey. That shit pisses me off.
On 07/14/06 at 6:49 am
just plain me said:
Holy shit. I want to vomit, but then again I want to laugh. Is that bad??? Damn, I can’t believe this. A guy I went to school with had a rumor flying about him and a goat at a field party. Don’t know what truth there is to it, though. This is just unbelieveable, much like that story!
On 07/14/06 at 6:52 am
Ady said:
That is so sick and gross and disgusting!! LOL. but makes for a great blog, thats for sure….
On 07/14/06 at 6:55 am
Radio Vixen said:
Oh my…just one more reason I wish I had an Etch-A-Sketch for a brain.
On 07/14/06 at 6:57 am
MelissaKC said:
That poor puppy! I am shocked and sickened! I should have known better with a title like that one. Thanks for waking me up!!!
On 07/14/06 at 6:58 am
PRican Cutie said:
that is sick. poor lil doggy - at least she was drunk that is the only way you can enjoy sex with a drunk man you don’t know.
On 07/14/06 at 6:58 am
Trista said:
I cannot believe you actually posted this. I think every time I look at a golden retriever now I will throw up a little…couldn’t you have use a pic of a more obscure breed??
On 07/14/06 at 7:02 am
Holly said:
That makes me want to cry for the dog.
On 07/14/06 at 7:02 am
Lanette said:
I know right..
On 07/14/06 at 7:11 am
Katie said:
I wish I had just posted “first” and not read that like everyone else. That was disturbing.
On 07/14/06 at 7:20 am
RANDOM said:
I thought shaving cats in high school was crazy. But that was down right disgusting!!
So who held the legs??
On 07/14/06 at 7:28 am
John III said:
when i get out to the bars tonight, i am going to use that story as an ice-breaker.
i’ll be like “i know a guy that once met some guy who knew the guy who held the legs.”
with that story, i’m certain to score, of course i think i’ll shoot for a deaf woman.
On 07/14/06 at 8:09 am
Kevin said:
Yeah that story is rather sick… sorry for the people that just ate breakfast.
I didn’t mean to ruin golden retreivers for everyone.
I am sure the dog recovered. I didn’t hear any stories of injuries.
On 07/14/06 at 8:15 am
Ally said:
I just about threw up on m keyboard! Thank for the early morning gag-fest Kevin!!!
:-)~
On 07/14/06 at 8:16 am
longonmj said:
This is just sick and wrong. I think I will skip breakfast after reading this. YUCK
On 07/14/06 at 8:19 am
Dez said:
I just puked a llittle in my mouth… What do you bet, some girl is now married or dating the “Dog-fukr”
On 07/14/06 at 8:22 am
Anywhere But Here said:
Man, I WAS eating lunch too. That’s just awful. I can’t even find the words. Thank-you so much for sharing this little tid-bit with the world Kevin.
On 07/14/06 at 8:23 am
Shavon said:
That is so nasty an sick i can’t beleive someone would violate a poor animal like that is one of the most nasty things i have ever heard.
On 07/14/06 at 8:26 am
Randy said:
um yeah who’s sicker the guy who holds the leg or the guy doing the deed? I’m not sure I want that answer.
On 07/14/06 at 8:28 am
jade said:
i did research in college about slaves doin cows. at least the cows didn’t feel it. poor dog. what the hell kinda perv holds the legs?
On 07/14/06 at 8:33 am
Jeremy said:
That is seriously disturbing. Someone needs an ass whoopin’.
On 07/14/06 at 8:35 am
Your Mom Goes to College said:
This isn’t even funny. It made me want to cry. You should’ve punched Jef for being there and not stopping it, and then punched the guy who said he knew the guy who held the dog’s legs. I don’t even know if I can handle your blogs anymore. This is just gut wrenching and terrible. That poor dog. It’s amazing he didn’t kill it.
On 07/14/06 at 8:36 am
Toni said:
God, that was just wrong. I’m gonna think about that every time I see a dog for the rest of my life… or at least the rest of my day.
Once again, you have raped my mind without lube. Please use a condom next time.
GERIATRICIDE!!!!
On 07/14/06 at 8:40 am
Brian said:
Hahahaha. Oh my fucking god. That’s so gross. I feel bad for the dog.
On 07/14/06 at 8:41 am
Chrissa said:
I loved this!! Moreso, I loved the video clip…I always fall asleep when it comes on so I miss it. Do more!
On 07/14/06 at 8:42 am
Chris said:
WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?
The only way this could have been any more disgusting (and i stress the ONLY) was if the bitch was on the rag.
But that alone is foul and illegal in 15 states.
On 07/14/06 at 8:49 am
Jen said:
Oh my Lord Kevin that is the single most disturbing story I have ever heard. NOTHING will ever top that.
On 07/14/06 at 8:53 am
Aaaaaaron said:
I wish I had not read that.
On 07/14/06 at 8:59 am
Lisa said:
are you fuckin kidding me right now? I will kill this guy. A. for being a goddamn pig. B. that poor dog. Worst story ever.
On 07/14/06 at 9:06 am
Kevin said:
Believe me I don’t share this story with pride about what happened. Screwing animals is not a hobby I condone.
I said it was the grossest story ever and for a week after hearing it I felt the need to scrub myself to get the disgust off of me… it was wrong… so wrong.
On 07/14/06 at 9:12 am
Howard Roark said:
Wow, Kev…you upped the bar on this one. Or lowered it…I can’t tell.
On 07/14/06 at 9:17 am
Robyn said:
I know a guy same situation but a sheep His name is brad and when anyone sees him it’s Braaaaaad!
On 07/14/06 at 9:23 am
Kevin said:
Oh I think the bar has been lowered… Greatly
On 07/14/06 at 9:27 am
Carmen said:
wait, was there lube involved? did the dog try to bite him? did the dude finish? i need more info!!
oh…i mean…..yeah….
On 07/14/06 at 9:28 am
Cherie said:
Vomit?? That makes me want to cry. Abuse of an innocent animal is right up there with molesting a child in my book. I am not an animal rights freak but there is a line. That is just so disturbing. Poor dog. Too bad the dog didn’t shit all over the twisted motherfucker. A better ending to the story that the dog bit the guys dick off. I hope he got a disease and is sterile, too.
He is going to have a hard time explaining that to his maker.
I am actually in a bad mood now.
I am still glad you shared the story, Kevin. This creep needs some kind of public scorn.
On 07/14/06 at 9:57 am
Anonymous said:
Disturbing.
Especially because you don’t really need to hold anything down if you are liberal in the peanut butter application. The dog should just go to town and… never mind.
On 07/14/06 at 10:01 am
Denah said:
Ummm….Kevin, that is totaly disgusting. I was already sick to my stomach and now I want to wretch violently. You know what a verp is, right?? Vomit burp??? Yeah…..just one thing though. It doesn’t speak well for this Larry guy, cause, I mean, a dogs nether parts have to be small, and therefore he wasn’t much of a “man”, in manners or parts, was he????? Must have had a dick the size of one of my daughter’s pencils. (She sharpens them until they are just over an inch long.)
On 07/14/06 at 10:09 am
Miss V said:
Jesus, that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “walk of shame”. From that point forward his entire life has been one loooooooooong walk of shame.
Yucky.
~V
On 07/14/06 at 10:10 am
Just me said:
Great story this so sounds like something the poeple i hung out with in school would have done, hey were bored lets talk someone into smokeing yard grass and telling them its weed. hey we’re bored who wants to sleep with the dog and let us laugh
On 07/14/06 at 10:12 am
Trecia said:
Omfg that is same gross shit. im goin to save it on my blog.
On 07/14/06 at 10:19 am
Erin said:
Hmm….My first visit to Pointless Banter. It’s rather unfortunate that I chose this blog to read. If I actually believed the story, I might be more disturbed. But I am just going to stick to my delusions and believe there are not actually sick fucks out there who rape golden retrievers….and sicker fucks who actually sit around a bar and laugh about it.
On 07/14/06 at 10:32 am
voodoo girl said:
I just threw up a little in my mouth
On 07/14/06 at 10:33 am
Island Princess said:
Man, it’s like a train wreck, I didn’t want to read but I couldn’t help it. That has got to be one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever heard, reminds me of “Van Wilder.”
On 07/14/06 at 10:51 am
Marge said:
Oh. My. God.
Poor doggie.
On 07/14/06 at 11:01 am
SHAMMY said:
Oh dear dog, I mean God!
Beastiality is just wrong.
On 07/14/06 at 11:52 am
Toby said:
I can’t believe you never heard that story before. You gotta love growin’ up in the sticks!! “Larry” always bugged the crap out of me anyways. No pun intended. By the way, I think Jef’s back to 2 f’s now.
On 07/14/06 at 12:05 pm
Toby said:
Thats just Dag Nasty!
On 07/14/06 at 12:06 pm
Beau said:
Good Times! You said you would never tell that story. I am so embarrassed!
On 07/14/06 at 12:11 pm
Lanette said:
I have a very similar story but it involved a sheep and a very drunk sailor. I was there, it was horrifying, and I never spoke to anyone about it again….. I even stopped hanging out with the guy, he doesnt remember anything….it all started out with innocent hick jokes and escalated from there….
On 07/14/06 at 12:15 pm
Tori said:
I’m with Carmen. I’d actually like to know the answers to those questions. C’mon Kevin, spill. It can’t be much worse than the fact that the guy FUCKED A DOG AT A PARTY! Jesus, what a fucking moron.
I hate Jef-with-one-f for telling you that so that you could someday pass it along to us.
On 07/14/06 at 12:17 pm
Lanette said:
That comment @ 12:11 was not left by the actual Lanette… I have never (thankfully) witnessed something sooo grotesque. Kev, I think your comments thingy is broken..
-The Real Lanette
On 07/14/06 at 12:44 pm
Nicole said:
I agree with Denah. “Larry’s” penis must have been the size of a vienna sausage, which is supported by his remark that screwing a human female was like “throwing a hotdog down a hallway.” His brain is probably the same size too, but what can be expected from induhviduals from that end of the gene pool. These kind of people aren’t really human anyway, I wonder if it can even really qualify as a trans-species infraction…
On 07/14/06 at 1:18 pm
Ally said:
You how every talks about vomiting in their mouth.
This is more like shitting in your mouth a little.
IF that’s even possible.
On 07/14/06 at 6:26 pm
Karl Rove said:
I’ve seen worse. One time I walked in on Donald Rumsfeld…
Really, that is the worst story I’ve ever heard. And yet it’s not so bad that I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Why? Have I become THAT desensitized?
On 07/14/06 at 10:52 pm
damned liberal said:
Animals are not ours for entertainment.
On 07/14/06 at 11:55 pm
theladyvernotico said:
all I have to say is I really hope there was lubrication and jerky treats involved.
On 07/15/06 at 3:41 am
Nina said:
Only you could make such a disgusting story so entertaining.
On 07/15/06 at 3:56 am
Nalene said:
You went to HS in NY right? See I knew that area was fucked up!!! And YES. After living in WNY for 2 years; I believe that Larry, did in fact, fuck the dog, at the party. Because it’s shit like that that drunk rednecks do. *GAG*
On 07/15/06 at 8:12 am
ruth said:
This is very disturbing. I have a beautiful Black lab and I would have to cut the cock of anyone the molested my dog. That is just sick and wrong. Poor puppy….