"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


I know the guy that held the dog’s legs

By: Bobby Finstock on 07/14/06 @ 5:58 am

Sometimes you hear phrases from people that just make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Things like:

“We need to audit you.”
“Yes we will need to probe rectally.”
“Honey I’m pregnant.”

Then sometimes you hear something that really puts the fear of god into you. Something so heinous that when you hear it you pause for a second and then curl up into the fetal position and wish that you could scrub your ears with bleach. One day I heard such a phrase and this is what it was:

“I know the guy that held the dog’s legs.”

Let me explain.

About six years ago my friends and I were at the bar after a rousing game of softball aka drink and swing a bat. We were sitting around when someone we hadn’t seen since high school made their way into the bar. Our friend Jef, yes Jef with one f, pulled up next to us and we started to get caught up with us. The beers flowed, the conversation continued for awhile, it was all fun and good times until somebody brought up a name (we will call him Larry to protect his identity).

Once Jef heard Larry’s name he started laughing and said, “Did you guys ever heard what he did at Corey’s party?” None of us had. We had no idea what Jef was talking about. Jef paused for a second and proceeded to tell us that he didn’t feel comfortable telling the story because it was that wrong.

The thing was Jef just got done telling stories with lines like:

“So I fucked her best friend and it was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.”
“I pushed her head down while she was blowing me and she puked in the hot tub.”

If Jef could tell stories with the previous lines what was he holding back? We kept pestering him just to tell it until he relented and this is the story:

“Years ago we at a party at Corey’s house, where there was a ton of alcohol and mostly just a bunch of guy friends hanging out. Towards the end of the night we were screwing around with Corey’s dog who was partially drunk. Someone started making comments about wanting to get laid. Larry pointed out that the only bitch in the room was Corey’s dog, which was followed by someone saying, ‘I would give you a hundred bucks if you fucked the dog.’

People starting busting balls about it and making jokes before Larry said that he would do it. Everyone called him on his bullshit until Larry pulled down his pants right there. Played with his cock for a couple of seconds and proceed to start molesting the dog.”

This should never be a turn on

We totally cut Jef off at this point, my friends and I were almost vomiting hearing this story. We were utterly disgusted and just wanted no part of it. One of my friends started making comments that there is just no way that this could be true. That it was too out there. It was too gross and just wasn’t right. Jef swore up and down that it was true. While he was telling the story Jef kept looking down the bar at another guy that we went to high school with. He wasn’t really friends with us and was there drinking by himself. The argument kept going between all of us over the validity of the story. People had questions if lube was involved, did the dog try to bite him, did he finish? Jef answered these questions and we still thought it was bullshit. However everything changed when the guy at the end of the bar got up off his barstool and walked down to us and said:

“I know the guy that held the dog’s legs.”

I have never wanted to vomit more in my life and that was the most disturbing story I had ever heard. To this day I feel like getting sick when I hear this.

What about you?

Filed in: My Life

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

91 Responses to “I know the guy that held the dog’s legs”

  1. Robyn says:

    I know a guy same situation but a sheep His name is brad and when anyone sees him it’s Braaaaaad!

  2. Kevin says:

    Oh I think the bar has been lowered… Greatly

  3. Carmen says:

    wait, was there lube involved? did the dog try to bite him? did the dude finish? i need more info!!
    oh…i mean…..yeah….

  4. Cherie says:

    Vomit?? That makes me want to cry. Abuse of an innocent animal is right up there with molesting a child in my book. I am not an animal rights freak but there is a line. That is just so disturbing. Poor dog. Too bad the dog didn’t shit all over the twisted motherfucker. A better ending to the story that the dog bit the guys dick off. I hope he got a disease and is sterile, too.

    He is going to have a hard time explaining that to his maker.

    I am actually in a bad mood now. :( I am still glad you shared the story, Kevin. This creep needs some kind of public scorn.

  5. Anonymous says:


    Especially because you don’t really need to hold anything down if you are liberal in the peanut butter application. The dog should just go to town and… never mind.

  6. Denah says:

    Ummm….Kevin, that is totaly disgusting. I was already sick to my stomach and now I want to wretch violently. You know what a verp is, right?? Vomit burp??? Yeah…..just one thing though. It doesn’t speak well for this Larry guy, cause, I mean, a dogs nether parts have to be small, and therefore he wasn’t much of a “man”, in manners or parts, was he????? Must have had a dick the size of one of my daughter’s pencils. (She sharpens them until they are just over an inch long.)

  7. Miss V says:

    Jesus, that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “walk of shame”. From that point forward his entire life has been one loooooooooong walk of shame.



  8. Just me says:

    Great story this so sounds like something the poeple i hung out with in school would have done, hey were bored lets talk someone into smokeing yard grass and telling them its weed. hey we’re bored who wants to sleep with the dog and let us laugh

  9. Trecia says:

    Omfg that is same gross shit. im goin to save it on my blog.

  10. Erin says:

    Hmm….My first visit to Pointless Banter. It’s rather unfortunate that I chose this blog to read. If I actually believed the story, I might be more disturbed. But I am just going to stick to my delusions and believe there are not actually sick fucks out there who rape golden retrievers….and sicker fucks who actually sit around a bar and laugh about it.

  11. voodoo girl says:

    I just threw up a little in my mouth

  12. Island Princess says:

    Man, it’s like a train wreck, I didn’t want to read but I couldn’t help it. That has got to be one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever heard, reminds me of “Van Wilder.”

  13. Marge says:

    Oh. My. God.

    Poor doggie.

  14. SHAMMY says:

    Oh dear dog, I mean God!
    Beastiality is just wrong.

  15. Toby says:

    I can’t believe you never heard that story before. You gotta love growin’ up in the sticks!! “Larry” always bugged the crap out of me anyways. No pun intended. By the way, I think Jef’s back to 2 f’s now.

  16. Toby says:

    Thats just Dag Nasty!

  17. Beau says:

    Good Times! You said you would never tell that story. I am so embarrassed!

  18. Lanette says:

    I have a very similar story but it involved a sheep and a very drunk sailor. I was there, it was horrifying, and I never spoke to anyone about it again….. I even stopped hanging out with the guy, he doesnt remember anything….it all started out with innocent hick jokes and escalated from there….

  19. Tori says:

    I’m with Carmen. I’d actually like to know the answers to those questions. C’mon Kevin, spill. It can’t be much worse than the fact that the guy FUCKED A DOG AT A PARTY! Jesus, what a fucking moron.

    I hate Jef-with-one-f for telling you that so that you could someday pass it along to us.

  20. Lanette says:

    That comment @ 12:11 was not left by the actual Lanette… I have never (thankfully) witnessed something sooo grotesque. Kev, I think your comments thingy is broken..

    -The Real Lanette

  21. Nicole says:

    I agree with Denah. “Larry’s” penis must have been the size of a vienna sausage, which is supported by his remark that screwing a human female was like “throwing a hotdog down a hallway.” His brain is probably the same size too, but what can be expected from induhviduals from that end of the gene pool. These kind of people aren’t really human anyway, I wonder if it can even really qualify as a trans-species infraction…

  22. Ally says:

    You how every talks about vomiting in their mouth.

    This is more like shitting in your mouth a little.
    IF that’s even possible.

  23. Karl Rove says:

    I’ve seen worse. One time I walked in on Donald Rumsfeld…

    Really, that is the worst story I’ve ever heard. And yet it’s not so bad that I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Why? Have I become THAT desensitized?

  24. Animals are not ours for entertainment.

  25. all I have to say is I really hope there was lubrication and jerky treats involved.

  26. Nina says:

    Only you could make such a disgusting story so entertaining.

  27. Nalene says:

    You went to HS in NY right? See I knew that area was fucked up!!! And YES. After living in WNY for 2 years; I believe that Larry, did in fact, fuck the dog, at the party. Because it’s shit like that that drunk rednecks do. *GAG*

  28. ruth says:

    This is very disturbing. I have a beautiful Black lab and I would have to cut the cock of anyone the molested my dog. That is just sick and wrong. Poor puppy….

  29. Amyblue says:

    AHAHAHA!! I love that story. So was he the guy that held the dogs legs? haha! Kevin, your “freaking” amazing!

  30. Danielle says:

    OMG!!! That is the craziest thing I have ever heard!!

  31. Xena says:


    and with a golden!


  32. Hezzy says:

    That is just… gross!

  33. Soooo funny. He needs to look for a doll. Whatever!

  34. dude that is some sick ass shit… LAUGHIN MY ASS OFF… HOnestly i know jokes… But the thought of someone doing that is absolutely gross and detestable… LET”S see people do that gross shit and actually record that… if it was that true it’d been funnier on video since they were callin a bet… i wonder if they triple dog dared him ha ha ha ha… if it was that big of a joke and they were callin bullshit… I’d be like fuck you that some sick shit…

  35. Life is Peachy says:

    I went to high school with a chick on the cheerleading squad that they called peanutbutter girl cause she would stick peanut butter on her pussy and have her dog lick it off. There was another chick that got a hotdog stuck in her pussy cause she stuck it in a hole in her trailer floor and was riding it and the hot dog broke off inside of her. She had to get it removed at the hospital. We heard all kinds of shit in school. I know that the peanut butter one is true cause I asked her!!

  36. Alisha says:

    I really wish I didn’t read that.
    And I thought going to school with “Hot Dog Girls” and Guys with the nickname of “Peanutbutter” was bad enough. I also know a girl who humped a tree and a girl who had the same breaking off inside her problem with a candle.
    It’s sad….I went to a pretty large school You would have thought there was enough People to mess around with.

  37. [...] -I know the guy that held the dog’s legs- (the only story I ever heard about someone having sex with an animal)-The Incident- (it involves shit throwing)-I am left speechless- (a story about someone posting a sign about retards in Utah and I lay out what I think Judge Judy would do) [...]

  38. Atomic says:

    The story about the dog was disturbing, but the story about the dead cow have that beat.

    Some sick teens.

    A friend of mine was telling me the story of the man who effed a horse and died ’cause he couldn’t take it…

    Anyone know the guy who held the horse’s legs?

  39. Atomic says:

    Hmmm… I’m a few months late.

    Delayed reaction.

    My apologies. =/

  40. Know it all says:

    Well actually a golden retriever sized dog could take the average man’s cock and if the dog was drunk it might not remember or could have even enjoyed it. I don’t like the fact that he forced it but it would not have harmed the dog.

  41. Hanjahb says:

    Is this the only kind of b1tch y’all could get?

    Friends went to school with a guy with a huge ego and bad temper. He’d be okay for awhile but then after a few months it was prick city again. And the way to shut him up was to pull out that Polaroid of him with a cow. It’d always surface for a few days, then disappear again once he was humble. Have a nice life, Chris O. Someone’s got a photo.

© 2006 Pointless Banter - All Rights Reserved || Designed: E.Webscapes || Social Media Consulting: Comedy Central Sound