An Open Letter to Parents
I have found my new ultimate annoyance in life. Finally after years of searching I have found the one thing that annoys me so much that it makes my head explode. It drives me so insane that I want to take an ice pick and jam it into my cerebral cortex over, and over, and over again. In fact it has inspired me to form my own non-profit organization and create my own cause to rally behind. In fact I already have a slogan for my group:
“Hire a fucking babysitter”
When did it become socially acceptable to bring your kids, specifically toddlers and babies to totally inappropriate places? Did I miss the memo on this? Was there a broadcast that made it ok, maybe a political speech by the President. If there hasn’t been then why are people doing this?
Perhaps I should take a second to help people out. Let me give people a nice handy dandy list that they can print out and put on their refrigerator:
Places you can bring your toddler or infant
-Disneyland
-Shopping
-Daily Errands
-Fast Food and Pizza Places
Places you shouldn’t bring your toddler or infant
-R rated movies at 9 pm
-High-end restaurants
-Business meetings
-Loud enclosed concerts
-Donkey show in Mexico
-Las Vegas
I have actually seen toddlers or babies at all of the places listed on the second list. Okay maybe not the donkey show in Mexico but I was going by what Trista told me. It boggles my mind that people think it is okay to bring their kids to any of those places.
In the last three months I have been at movies that were rated PG-13 or higher and people had their toddler or baby with them. All of these movies were later at night and of course the kids were cranky. One of those occasions the mother felt the need to silence her child by breastfeeding him right in her seat. Classy. I am sure junior was hungry; it wasn’t the eardrum shattering speakers in the theatre. Of course nothing is better than watching hardcore violence while hearing a child slobbering away on his mother’s teat behind you. Next time hire a fucking babysitter.
I just loved how I was in Vegas this weekend and saw people totting their newborns through the casino. Or showing their two year old the Pirate ship at 11 pm at night. Even hanging out by the pool where it was 110 degrees out and people are running around smashed off their ass. They can install all the arcades they want but Vegas is not a family vacation. What’s next, people going cliff diving with their baby attached? Maybe we’ll see a father taking his kid to newborn to a baseball fantasy camp in a backpack like Yoda in Empire Strikes Back.
I know people want to continue to lead their lives but that is why you leave kids with family and in-laws, or hire a fucking babysitter.
The best part about this is that the people don’t give a shit that they are destroying the quality of life of people around them let alone bringing their child to a totally inappropriate place. Their thinking is because they have a kid we should let them slide. If a baby breaks down and cries in the supermarket, most people don’t get upset, they know you can’t control it and we just go on about our day. Now if a baby cries during a movie that is something totally different. The worst part about it is that people try to justify it with some of the following excuses:
Reason 1- I’m trying to teach my child culture.
Used- When bringing a child to a high-end restaurant, concert, or art gallery.
My response- Unless you kid is reading the New Yorker while taking a dump on his training toilet he doesn’t care. Don’t subject us to torture because you think you are giving your child a head start on a college education. If he was just scooping crap out of his diaper and playing with it that is probably a pretty good sign that he has no interest in the Guggenheim.
Reason 2- Just because I have a child doesn’t mean I should change my lifestyle.
Used- When bringing a child to a movie, rock concert, or party.
My response- You shouldn’t have had a child or you should have had your uterus removed before you did. Sure I would like to sleep into noon, drink heavily every night, and bang 19 year olds but I am no longer 20. Events, maturity, and certain things cause change in life. Having a kid is one of them.
Reason 3- We can’t afford a babysitter.
Used- When bringing a child out to eat or the movies.
My response- Guess you shouldn’t be dropping that nine bucks on large popcorn and a drink bitch.
Every single one of these reasons is lame which pisses me off even more. Instead of just bitching about it I decided to come up with a solution for the problem, because that is what I do.
How do we correct this problem?
Usually people feel that if they make a social cause known change will come about. But since we live in a culture of fear I have decided that we need to take the next step with things. These are the two driving forces behind my solution:
People are protective of their children.
When faced with fear it changes your life.
How do we use these two points to overcome this issue? I propose that when you see people bringing toddlers or newborn children into inappropriate places you have legal recourse to immediately abduct the children and sell them to work in sweatshops in the Far East.
Just think of all the problems we would be able to cure in one shot if people continued to drag their kids with them. We could help alleviate the child labor situation in the Orient, we could remove kids from their crappy parents, and we all could line our pockets.
Of course parents could avoid all of this just by hiring a fucking babysitter.
On 07/12/06 at 2:39 am
pope john iii said:
i was with you, up until the fantasy baseball camp crack. that’s just not cool. my dad threw his back out two months ago, carrying me around in a gunny sack on his back. but you know what, we bonded that moment.
seriously, the when his back cracked, his lower vertebrae punctured clear through his back into my abdomen, and we are “bonded” until corrective surgery, which should be sometime in october.
On 07/13/06 at 9:10 pm
Tori said:
I’m printing this out and taking it with me to show people when they’re exhibiting any of these behaviors. Better yet, I’ll just carve it into a large rock and bludgeon them with it.
Also, Pope John is a liar. It wasn’t a gunny sack. It was a Snugli.
On 07/14/06 at 9:31 am
Cherie said:
I am glad I can leave a response without having to be visually assaulted by that scantily clad mother of 12 in an SandM costume who was rude to you.
At the risk of sounding like a kiss ass, I really didn’t like the way she talked to you and thought you handled it well. I would have obliterated her comments completely just to get rid of the photo. I am not a bathing beauty at the moment but you don’t see me more than half nekkid on myspace.
On 07/14/06 at 12:42 pm
Kevin said:
I thought about deleting all her shit but I figured I would leave it and let people see how what that psycho bitch (not to be confused with the cool psycho bitch) is like.
On 07/22/08 at 12:11 pm
timethief said:
I’m with you all the way. I’m sick to death of the excuses and lies. Hire a sitter and stop bringing your kids where they do not belong and where they are not welcome. If you really do love your kids then provide for their needs or give them up for adoption to someone who does have a brain in their head.
On 07/22/08 at 12:25 pm
Mark Stoneman said:
Give me a society that believes it has enough of a stake in the future generation to give parents a little support for their efforts and I’ll hire a babysitter. Till then you’ll just have to suffer. (Okay, my kid is way past that age, and he was always a perfect angel, but childless people who think having children is merely a lifestyle choice with lots of options get on my nerves.)
On 07/22/08 at 1:35 pm
timethief said:
Having a child has been optional for the last 40 years and we all know that it takes no brain power whatsoever to breed and deliver one. We also know that there is an abundance of human beings on the planet, who are consuming non-renewable resources at such an alarming rate that the health of the planet is in question. So, if you are of the opinion that you are doing humanity and/or the planet a service by producing a little image of yourself - get over it!
Common sense dictates that you do not take your child to a public place if they are feeling hungry, tired or obstreperous. Common sense dictates that you do not take your child to adult activities where children are neither expected nor welcomed.
There are effective ways of dealing with defiant children in public places. The first requirement is that the parent must be prepared to take the responsibility to act by removing the child. This is important because the child, who is pulling off the bad behavior is frequently doing so because they think they can get away with it in a public place. Therefore, the parent(s) have to demonstrate that this is not the case. In other words, the kid has to lose the power struggle.
On 07/22/08 at 5:03 pm
renalfailure said:
The only good thing about parents bringing their toddlers to see The Dark Knight is that now you can put the fear of God into those kids just by saying “Why so serious?”
On 07/23/08 at 11:42 pm
Taylor Blue said:
I am a parent and I have been trying to sneak out alone to see The Dark Knight. No way am I going to let my kids see that shit! I would never let my kids go in there…for any reason…unless it was for Horton Hears A Who…and we did go to that as a family. Some people are dumb…you are smart…