So in the past we have covered frequently asked questions that I have received, my hate mail, and today I want to tackle the nice messages I get from people.
(turn heavy sarcasm on)
Actually before I do that I want to announce that my climb up the Hollywood ladder has started. Between my blogs and my new hit television show on musicplustv.com I have become swamped with messages and had to go out and hire an assistant to handle all of my correspondence. Because I live in Southern California and work in the “business” I am allowed to hire from a shared pool that that Hollywood elite use.
The candidate you get is based off of your fame and importance, every month the Hollywood Reporter releases the rankings for this. I eagerly checked the report so I knew the level of assistant I could hire. Here is my official ranking and the people ranked above and below me:
1,000,976- Steve Guttenberg
1,000,977- Kevin’s “Freaking”….
1,000,978- Tia and Tamara
Going by these rankings I called up the industry assistant service. I figured I would be getting a young, nubile, struggling actress that would do anything to get ahead. Apparently you have to be in the top 500,000 to get that. Instead I got Fannie:
So Fannie went through and checked out my e-mail. To show how important and loved I am Fannie copied down some of the messages I get at my Kevin@pointlessbanter.net e-mail address.
So here is Fannie’s review of my e-mail:
Hi everyone I am Fannie, Mr. Kevin’s new assistant!
Mr. Kevin is very important when I check his mail he gets a lot of different types of messages. One thing he gets all the time are great business deals:
Subject: Need Help with a great mortgage?
Need a Mortgage?
1.Don’t miss the Great Chance
2. Find What you are looking for
3. Welcome all credit
Go get free quote now!! Click Here!!
I guess being a mover and a shaker gets Mr. Kevin all the best mortgage offers! I hope some of it trickles down to me so I can buy my retirement dream home!
Mr. Kevin also gets just an insane amount of job offers. I guess when you are nipping on the heals of Steve Guttenberg people really want you to work for their company. Also because of his high moral character, (I never have read his work I just assume he has high moral character because he doesn’t hit on me the way my former boss of 40 years Aaron Spelling did.) Mr. Kevin gets offers from companies that only work on a high moral ground.
Subject: Christian Work For Kevin
Christianwork available now.
Keep your family values.
Work with a Highly Ethical company.
Click here (link removed)
Being the personal secretary of Mr. Kevin he gets a lot of personal mail that I am privy too. I don’t really want to repost it but Mr. Kevin seems to have a lot of sexual performance issues. He gets offers for Viagra all the time. But being such an important person maybe he needs to keep up with all the wonderful women he meets. After all he is bigger than Tia and Tamara!
Finally Mr. Kevin gets a TON of messages from women just hitting on him. In fact he just got a message a few minutes ago that just shows how important he must be with the ladies.
From: Beth and Jill firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Were cute, shy and 18, see our pics
Were 18 and cute, new in town,
chat with us, check out our pics,
Want to chat with 2 cute 18 year olds?
Search for jill18f
Jill & Beth
P.S. We are new in town and looking for friends.
So as you can see Mr. Kevin is such a big mover and shaker. I am really happy to be employed by him. He gets the best financial deals, job offers, discount pharmaceuticals, and offers from women to check out their pictures. I bet nobody out there gets mail like that!
Well thanks everyone for reading my message to you all!
So there you have it everyone. Now when I am too lazy to write a blog I can just have Fannie do it!
As a matter of fact Fannie is going to be doing one Monday column a month called Ask Fannie! She will tackle any questions you want to ask… If you want some personal details about me, about the Hollywood establishment, or about her time working for Aaron Spelling just ask!
If you want to send her some questions just mail it to email@example.com with the subject line: Ask Fannie
So everyone welcome Fannie aboard. I hope she doesn’t get too pissed when she finds out I can only afford to pay her $3.25 an hour.