Instead of my usual Monday morning blog where I take questions from various magazines and give the real answers I decided to do something a bit different, mainly because I am too damn lazy to look up the questions.
I get approximately 1.5 trillion messages a day (aka 20 messages) with a lot of them being questions. Over a month I compiled the questions that were asked the most and I figured I would take the time to answer them. Along with the question I will give you the amount of time the question has been asked, just for those of you that are scoring at home. (If you are scoring at home we need to have a long talk about getting out of the house.)
Q: (asked 9 times) Will you father my child?
A: This is probably the most flattering question that someone could ask. I can’t think of a bigger honor than someone volunteering to carry my seed. However, I don’t know if this should really count because it was asked by the same person all nine times:
I have to believe they don’t have the required equipment to bare my child. Although the prison bitch outfit is a slight turn on. I always wanted to walk around with someone holding onto the lining of my pocket. But alas, the answer is no and stop sending me pictures of your inflatable Kevin doll which is just a pillow with a hole poked in it and a picture of me stapled to it. That is contra band in most penitentiaries.
Q: (Asked 16 times) Where do come up with the stuff you write about?
A: I shit, a lot. After I make it through reading all the magazines in my house I am forced to sit there and ponder. Next time I have the runs I may be able to tackle peace in the Middle East.
Once in awhile I encounter writers block when sitting in front of my laptop. This is my cure:
Half a thing of that and I can think of blogs for the next two weeks.
Q: (Asked 42 times) How do I get rid of a dead hooker?
A: I don’t know when I became the expert on dumping the body of a dead hooker. Apparently rumor has it that I have done it a time or two. I guess if I have the knowledge I need to share.
*Be careful when you check her pockets and purse for money of hypodermic needles. We wouldnt want you catching HIV before you carve the body up.
Step one….Wait do I really want to be sharing this information? This is something I should charge for.
In fact, coming next fall to porn shops and fine cutlery stores near you:
Kevins Guide to Carving Dead Hookers
Q: (asked 45 times) If 8 grapefruit, 7 oranges & 3 lemons weigh the same as 3 oranges, 6 grapefruit & 6 lemons, if a grapefruit weighs 2/3 as much as a lemon & if a dozen oranges weighs 3 kilos…. How much does a lemon weigh?
A: 600 kilos …You need to come correct if you are bringing that shit.
Q: (asked 67 times) Kevin, I am so glad to find you on here. It has been close to seven years and I just wanted to let you know about your son/daughter. I was wondering if I could have your address to send you pictures/court papers?
A: Uh, um, I am not really Kevin I use the pictures and the persona of Kevin because I think people will be much more interested in reading what I write coming from the guise of a balding, graying, slovenly male.
I guess it is time to come clean. This is really me:
I just figured nobody would want to read a blog about pointless shit written by a hot girl.
So now you know the truth. Kevin is actually a guy that I have sex with multiple times a day because I think he is super hot and hung like a mule. In fact ladies I am willing to share him. Just send your offers of sex to me and I will make sure he will get them.
I feel so much better now that I have gotten this off my incredibly large chest. I must go shower now and lay out naked for everyone in my neighborhood to see. Before I go spend the day cutting in front of everyone in line, getting what I want for free, and inconveniencing everyone and totally getting away with it. (That is what hot girls do everyday right?)
Tomorrow: The blog that will piss off the most people ever