Amazon WTFs 2 – DVDs

Final Fantasy VII – Advent Children

This is a phenomenon I just don’t get – Movies based on Videogames that use the same animated graphics as the game. It just freaks me out; I keep waiting for the little “movie clip” to be over so I can just fight the fuckin Boss already.

Pride & Prejudice

Funny Story: Mrs. Donkey thinks this movie is the shit. She’s watched it like 5 times already on DVD. One day she asks me to bring the book home from the library. Now my wife is no reader – her fave books are the ones with monsters and heroic scientists and shit in them. Ya know, Cussler, Preston, Steve Alten, that stuff. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt and got the book for her. It happened to be a version of Jane Austen’s classic that featured pictures from this latest movie on the cover. Mrs. Donk, thouroughly disappointed and disgusted, says to me: “Damnit, you got me the wrong one. This is the version BASED ON THE MOVIE.” hahahahahahahahaha. It took me five minutes to convince her otherwise. Oh, and the next morning the book was waiting on the counter for me to return. When I asked her about it, she said “Oh I skimmed over it last night. The movie’s way better.” Sigh

Aeon Flux

Charlize has obviously been using Angelina’s career as a template. Now that she’s completed the obligatory shitty action film, she’s off to adopt some African kids and steal away Tom Cruise from Katie Holmes.

Jeff Dunham – Arguing With Myself

Uhhhhh, I have no idea what this is, but I’m very, very scared.

Hoodwinked

America, when will your hunger for these shitty CGI films be satiated? They’re ALL INTERCHANGABLE. Watch, I’ll come up with a hit premise in seconds: ANT FARM: a loveable group of Ants are flabbergasted when they find a hole in the tube of the ant farm they’re living in. They escape, led by the adventurous and witty Simon (Tim Allen), his goofy sidekick (Damon Wayans), and his sassy girlfriend Rhoda (Queen Latifah). Along the way to freedom, they encounter friend and foe alike, but learn a valuable lesson: sometimes family is the most important thing of all. FACE, DISNEY, FACE

The Nanny – The Complete Second Season

You gotta be kidding me people.

Kingdom of Heaven

This was the film that finally cured my wife of her Orlando Bloom obsession. It was so horrible, and his performance so flat and by the numbers, that she immediately scratched Bloom off of her list…..and instantly replaced him with Christian Bale.

Last Holiday

Speaking of Queen Latifah, why do we all pretend that

1) She’s Hot, or even mildly attractive?

2) She is even a passable actress?

She’s actually COMPLETELY sexless. It’s like looking at your frumpy 6th grade teacher or something. But she seems to have Hollywood under some kind of spell that makes them all kiss her ass. Maybe she knows some “things” about a few powerbrokers or something? Has some pictures of them in naughty positions?