Q: My cousin is going out with my ex-boyfriend! I’ve never even had the chance to tell her that the reason I broke up with him was because of her. I feel so bad when I see them hugging and kissing, but I can’t tell her what I feel because she’s going to get really mad! What should I do?
–Esperanza, 15, Fort Worth, TX
A: Well Esperanza judging by your name and location I am going to guess that you are Mexican. Also I am going to venture a guess that you probably live in the same house with your cousin, I know that is how you guys roll. Let me take it a step further and guess that you are Catholic. (Sure these are all horrible stereotypes but in order to get a solution we need to take some leaps of faith.)
This is what I advise you to do. While in the fields working with your mother and aunt, again I am just guessing here, mention it to them that you think your cousin is having sex before marriage with your ex boyfriend. By doing so you will have sparked a set of events that will play out as follows:
Your mom and aunt will tell your father and uncle about the pre-marital sex which will upset them. They will begin to binge drink knocking back at least a full bottle of tequila each. After drinking and setting off fireworks to Mariachi Music for no apparent reason they will decide that something needs to be done about the situation. At that point they will set out to find her boyfriend to kill him. Once that is completed they will ditch his body over the border so his death will be blamed on being a failed illegal border crossing.
The problem of the ex boyfriend will be solved! Just hope an anti immigration bill doesn’t go through because it could put a damper on hiding the body.
Q: I’m 15 and am caught in a struggle between my parents. My father is always pressuring me to come live with him, but I am not sure what do to. I have a really good relationship with both my parents, and I don’t want one of them to feel like I love the other one more. How can I make everyone (including myself) happy?
–Rachel, 15, Breese, IL
A: Rachel this is a very good question that comes down to two things. Who has the least amount of rules and provides the least amount of supervision? Whoever the parent is would be the one you want to move in with.
You are at that age when you need to have sex with boys after school before your parents get home. It is the only way to climb the social later. Plus if one of your parents actually dates you can be the cool girl that throws parties because your parent is out whoring around. Think of the social implications of this decision. Love, guidance, and a good household should not be brought into consideration at all.
Q: My stepsister, who is also in eighth grade, used to be my best friend. But now she’s hanging out with people who do drugs and drink, and on New Year’s she got drunk and smoked pot. Should I tell my mom?
–Christina, 13, Minneapolis, MN
A: You don’t say a word. The downward spiral she is about to get into will make you look like the perfect child giving you plenty of room to fuck up.
Think of this when you come home late an hour after curfew they won’t really come down hard on you because you aren’t banging guys, getting drunk and smoking weed. And even if you were their attention will be paid on the problem stepsister and not you. Hell they might even forget that you exist opening the door for you to do ANYTHING.
In Washington they call it political capital, learn to use it now. Let your step sister hang herself with your parents while you come off as the hero.
Q: I hate conflict, but my sister and parents fight constantly! The one thing that helps me escape is singing. When I sing, it’s just the melody and me. I also take voice lessons, but I live in a very small city and there’s really nowhere I can go (on my own), and I want to show the world what I can do. How can I get out of this dead-end town and pursue something I love?
Desperate for a way out,
–Holly*, 14, Davison, MI
A: Holly you are only 14. American Idol isn’t an option and judging by the way your parents are moving to Orlando and appearing on Kids Incorporated is out of the question.
So this is what you need to do. First you need to learn how to apply makeup and do your hair so you look older. Buy some revealing clothes and start telling your parents that you are staying over at a friend’s house every Friday night. Then go to a local bar where bands play and start sleeping with one of the members of the band. Become their number one groupie let them pass you around, whatever it takes to be included in their click.
Now this shitty small town bar band will have aspirations of “making it” and getting out of the small town you reside in. So they will go see larger national acts in order for them to maybe make contacts or see how a good show is put on. Have them drag you along with them to go see the larger national act. When you are there attempt to sneak your way backstage, flirt with the road crew. Remember if they ask you to shit in a kitty litter box don’t do it that is how they separate the desperate from the classy.
Once you make it to the bands dressing room make sure you slip them your demo tape before you have sex with them, because they won’t be keeping you around long after.
You might not get your tape to the right person right away so this might take years of practice. Of course if it doesn’t work out by the time you are 18 you will know how to dress like a skank and suck the shine off a new golf ball. That is enough for you to land you a record contract no matter what you sound like. It worked for her Britney.