I was perusing (yes I used the word perusing, a very underrated word) some blogs the other day while waiting for my boring day at work to end and I noticed that some one proclaimed themselves as the best blogger on myspace. Which I thought was rather arrogant considering there about half a million blogs posted a day. Using the word the best is rather presumptuous considering this person probably hasn’t read the other 470,950 blogs published in that day.
To use the phrase “the best” is a rather crazy thing to do. If you think about it there are really only a handful of people that should be able to use it.
Michael Jordan as the best basketball player.
Tom Cruise as the best scientologist.
Keanu Reeves as the best actor of our generation.
I began to think about this whole blogging on myspace thing a little more. I began to compare myself to other popular writers/bloggers/feces throwers (I consider myself a feces thrower) on here and realized I don’t stack up all that well, in fact I kind of feel like a failure.
1) I don’t have people using my name to identify that they read my stuff.
The Ska Brothers are a pair of bloggers/comedians on myspace that have their friends identify their connection to them by having them add Ska to the end of their names. It was an original idea and they deserve credit for thinking of it.
Now though other bloggers/writers/feces throwers have been asking their readers to do the same thing. This made me think that I should ask people to do the same thing. Maybe ask them to put a “freaking” in their name. But then I thought it is my gimmick why the hell would I want someone else to use it? It might lead to confusion. Plus if like a ska fan wanted to use both the names it would be crazy ass long.
So I decided that maybe I should ask people to throw pederast at the end of their name because I thought it would be cool to pay homage to the “Big Lebowski”. After having a few people do a trial run they started receiving a lot of messages from men in their fifties that were members of NAMBLA. Needless to say this got scrapped.
2) I don’t have a fan club
There are probably a couple dozen writers/bloggers/feces throwers that have fan clubs dedicated to them on myspace. Either a profile or a group was created. I do not have a fan club, which gives me fan club envy.
But then I started to think about it. When I was little I was in the Punky Brewester fan club (see I could recognize talent at an early age) and I got a signed postcard from her. Even if ten people (all family members) signed up for a fan club I would have to sign ten things and mail them out. This is just too much effort. You see how much time I put into my spelling and grammar check (none) and creating the extra work would blow. Besides do you think I want to sign that picture of me in a bra over and over with, it would induce vomiting.
There goes the idea of a “fan club”. I am sure though people are hungry for my personal appearance schedule. (Kevin is going to the post office today to mail a CD to friend. Kevin will be shopping at Vons for hemorrhoid cream.)
3) I have never been published.
Some bloggers/writers/feces throwers brag that they have been published. There are those out there that have legitimately gone through the process and have signed on with an agent. That is awesome and kudos to you. Your work and effort have paid off and you deserve all the success in the world.
On the flip side there are those who signed on with a self-publishing company and refer to it as getting a book deal. This is akin to a person that is in amway saying they are a small business owner. There is nothing wrong with self publishing at all, if I ever cobbled together my feces I would probably go that route because I am not a good writer. Entertaining at times yes, Hemmingway no. But I never set out to be that, nor do I proclaim that.
But to be arrogant and rude to people because you have been published…er… I mean self-published is kind of sad. Why is it sad? It’s because anyone can do it. I guess I should brag that I showered this morning.
4) I do not get random offers for sex, boob shots, or salacious messages
Apparently other bloggers/writers/feces throwers have a rotating door on the front of their house/apartment/parent’s basement and are getting laid because people read their blogs. Sadly I am getting no such action; I do not have a harem.
Maybe it is the picture of me shitting on a toilet or the confessions that I trim my ball hair instead of shaving it but the flow of nubile young (hell I want middle age) women has been cut off. Maybe I need to post some blogs auctioning me off or telling people how great I am in bed, possibly using action figures to show a recreation of my sexual trysts. I figure this would make it so the ladies are lining up to bathe me and wipe my backside when I shit.
Sadly though I would have to do a lot of stop motion work and after hearing the directors of “Team America” talk about stop motion I realize that I don’t have the patience, inclination, or ability to pull it off.
To sum it up, I don’t have a fan club, I don’t have four thousand women that want to take turns riding me like a rented mule, I don’t have people taking my name, and I am not published. This is all something I am totally ok with. All that other stuff is too much work. I am happy because I am still me and I wouldn’t pretend that I am not. So back to eating bran to create more feces to toss, so I can do what I do best write pointless banter.
AWWWWWW yeah one long lead up to a plug… Actually I just didn’t have a way to close it out and I wanted to look clever. I’m such a hack.